Realised tonight - there is no point in trying.

[WolvesHaveNoKings]

I don't really know what I'm even doing here. I don't think I have depression. Tonight a physical health issue has gotten worse after months of improving and it hit me that everything I have strived to improve over the past 10 years has gotten me absolutely nowhere and has been completely pointless. I'm 30, I live alone in community housing, I clean schools at night, I have no kids or family. My mum died 7 years ago and my dad wants to spend all his time with his awful girlfriend. I'm poor with no good career prospects, I have a frustrating health issue and I see no point in trying to improve my life anymore. 10 years of failure is enough for me. What has hurt me so much tonight is that (Christian theme ahead) through all of these years I've tried to keep my spirits up by saying that at least I have God to love and talk to. Tonight I've realised I don't. I've been fooling myself, too afraid to admit I really do have nothing. God doesn't love me, he doesn't help, guide or encourage me. I don't feel his love or support. I doubt he even knows I exist. Maybe he doesn't exist himself. I've let go of the lie that was keeping me going. Now I see I have no real reason to live for any happiness. There is no point, there is no purpose, there is no reason. From now on I live only for the sake of the two cats beside me.

[Sophie_M]

Hey WolvesHaveNoKings,

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our wonderful community. We're so sorry to hear what you've been going through. We can hear how frustrated and upset you must be feeling right now, but please know that you don't have to go through this alone. These forums are a safe space, free of judgement, and our wonderful community are here to help support you through this. We are also currently getting in touch with you through email as we are worried about you.

It sounds like you're in a really tough space right now, but please know that support is always available to you. Our Beyond Blue Support Service is always available, 24/7, by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals to help you through this.

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.

[WolvesHaveNoKings]

It's ok Sophie. I don't think I'm sad. I don't think I feel anything at all. No motivation to keep trying to better my life, no purpose, no goal to reach for. Even to get up in the morning and drink tea seems pointless. Why bother? It won't bring the happiness I've strived for. I have tried, really tried. I'm sorry I posted here. I realise this is now just me whinging and wasting people's time. I wonder if my purpose was only to better the lives of others in small ways and not have happiness for myself.

But it's ok. I don't want to talk on the phone, I'm going to go to sleep instead.

[golden82]

Hi there.

You will be okay; you are only 30yo and have opportunities ahead. It is hard for you to see this right now i understand, but believe me you do. I am nearly 10yrs older and wish someone would have told me this back then. Reach out on here, people will support you; perhaps book a few sessions with a psychologist to discuss how you feel and map things out. You have a home, a job, pets. You are doing well and contributing. I hope you can start to value yourself, make some friends and have some better days ahead. Hang in there 🙂