REady to give up

[feelingblue87]

I've lived my whole life with mental illness and lack of joy.  Lately I've been feeling so bummed out and miserable I wish I were dead.  I am a long term heavy smoker and I keep waiting for the day I get lung cancer so I could let it kill me and escape from this miserable existence.  I'm 52 and I'm fed up.  I don't want to feel this way as I would like to have some feeling of purpose and few periods of happiness here and there.  I am under the care of a mental health proff. but I"m already taking medication. Maybe it's not working anymore. It seems like I'm feeling worse and I don't know if any other meds could help.  I havent wanted to talk to my practitioner because all she'll do is send me to a psych ward where I'll be locked up and unable to smoke or do anything.  I'm heavily addicted to smoking and don't intend to quit.  I feel awful as I've been feeling pretty lousy over the past year.  I'm open to advice and shared experiences.  

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[AGrace]

Hi feelingblue,

Welcome to the forums, and thanks for choosing to reach out to us.

I understand that you already have a treatment team, I'd definitely get them to review your medications. I'm not sure how long you've been on them for but there are newer varieties coming out all the time. You may even just need a change in dose. Have you found the medication helpful at all while you've been taking them?

You mentioned that your Dr would lock you up in a Psych ward where you wouldn't be able to smoke. Have you been in hospital before? Have you had this experience in the past? I'm yet to find a facility that hasn't let me smoke, so I'm a bit shocked by this. Hospital can be very useful in terms of keeping you safe, given the thoughts you are having at the moment. It can also be a good place if you are going to make changes to your medications. I'm just about to be admitted for this reason.

You are only 52, so you've still got a good innings ahead of you. It would be a shame to waste it on wishing your life away.

You mentioned wanting to feel a sense of purpose. What do you currently do with your time? Are you still working? Do you have any particular hobbies? Have you done any volunteer work in the past? Have you thought about joining a support group via your local community mental health service? Are there any Outpatient programs your Psychiatrist could refer you to? Do you have family/friend around to support you?

I know you also said that you'd like a few happy days here and there. What sorts of things make you happy? What do you think you could do to bring some happiness into your life?

I've suffered with a mental illness for nearly 20 years, which might not be as long as you. What I've come to know is that what ever I want, I'm responsible for making it happen. Even in my darkest hours, I have had to ask for help. When my mood has caused me to feel so low I didn't think I could get out of bed, I've been the one who has had to find some small amount of strength and motivation. This is just my experience.

I hope we'll hear back from you.

AGrace