Pushing Away Friends & Family - Dealing With Guilt

[EP87]

I'm completely new to this. I only started seeing the doctor/psychiatrist in the last 3 months for a combination of anxiety and depression after suffering in silence for the last two and a half years.

Recently I have been very unkind towards some very good friends of mine, as well as my immediate family. I push them away. I get off the phone as soon as I can. I don't answer texts/invites or brush people off with excuses. I set a ridiculously high expectation on them and when they don't meet it I conclude that they're not "true" friends or they don't really love me. I think I have become quite paranoid and distrustful. And I was beginning to feel as though no-one understood me and that I was fundamentally different from everyone else and there was no-one out there I could ever connect with properly.

 My therapist challenges me. She told me to get new friends. This has forced me to realise that I am being dramatic and unfair towards those around me. I am not the centre of the universe and everyone has their own lives to deal with.

 But the guilt of treating them so unfairly makes me cry. I feel like a terrible human being for having such horrible thoughts about my loved ones.

 Does anyone have any coping strategies to push those feelings away? I want to stop devaluing the people who care about me. They do love me and they show it in so many ways but when I'm down I can be so irrational and I just need ways to calm down.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear E,

Friends that get pushed away quickly come to realise that there must be something going on.      When you front up with honest stuff like "Yeah, I've had depression for 3 years - wasn't really coping then, mate" they usually tell you "no worries" and move on.     You wouldn't do that.  Your depression would get out a little notebook and write down all the friends misdemeanours and list each friend in alphabetical order with a scoring system as to least or most painful.  Maybe even red tick for the real trouble makers.   Do you see the difference ?   Now put depression as the difference.   You're just looking to over control.  So what ? 

Even normal people do that now and again.   Ever see a person police how a sandwich is made in a fast food outlet ?  A driver that must park in the closest spot ?   A guy buying the newspaper that must draw from the bottom of the pile because the top paper is too creased ?    That kind of left brain control is everywhere.

The secret is out.  Stop being "dramatic and unfair towards those around me" and start being "dramatic and FAIR towards those around me".    Save the negative comments for parking inspectors, cold callers and politicians.   I'm not sure your therapist is only saying to "get new friends".   I'm sure, with a bit of coaxing and understanding, your old friends would grow to like you again.  It's a long shot but if you're prepared to make the effort and buy enough chocolate cake..........

Adios, David.