confused and scared

confussed · ‎07-10-2013

My husband has been diagnosed with Depression in the last week.. he apparently hasn't been happy at home for a few years, but instead of talking about it he kept pushing his feelings away... So as a wife, i really didn't see this coming,

thought our relationship was in a really good place.. So now am on a roller coaster of emotions and feeling, feel guilty for not seeing that there was an issue and that he wasn't well, feel guilty for getting upset with not having any intimacy or affection in our relationship over the last month, feel guilty for crying, feel at a loss and am scared of whats to come..

He is talking to Councilor and is starting to tell friends and family, which i know is a good thing and is a relief to know that there is people here to support us

vip · ‎08-10-2013

Hi confussed depression does that to you instead of speaking about it with love ones you push everyone away. I have been a depression sufferer for 22 yrs and have had so much counselling with my issues like intimacy communication ect ect . Just give him some space and when he is ready to speak about it he will open up slowely. I dont speak about my depression with my husband i much prefer speaking to my psych because i find at times it can be too much for my husband to absorb and he truly doesnt get it. He is on the right path to recovery so just hang in there bear with it and you will get over the hurdle patience is the key here. And honestly sometimes its not something you see coming . I came home from work a few years ago my husband was home told him i didnt love him anymore and wanted him to move out i was really in a depressed messed up state so i was speaking through the depression when i was put back on medication i couldnt believe what i had did anyway let us know how everything goes. Goodluck

Chris_B · ‎08-10-2013

Hi confussed, it sounds like you need some support yourself with all the guilt that's running through you at the moment. Men can be very good at hiding depression, so the fact that you didn't spot anything is not your fault - none of it is your fault. You're allowed to feel upset because your husband's depression has robbed you of your own emotional needs.

I would suggest talking to a counsellor yourself at this time to help you talk through these feelings that you aren't able to talk about with others. Please have a look at this section of our website as well, it has some useful information, tips, and links: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/resources/family-and-friends/looking-after-yourself

Please remember the forum is here for everyone affected by anxiety and depression, partners, friends, family included. You need to be able to talk about your feelings too.

best
CB

___________________________________________________________________
Online Community Manager

confussed · ‎08-10-2013

yeah i've told a few of my very close friends today and had really good chats with them, which has lift a bit of pressure off my shoulders.. have been thinking of going to councilor myself will look into it more..

Hubby has moved out for a bit to start sorting out the depression and to have some space.. He also has a specialist appointment this week which is good...

I know i have to be patient,

i feel like i'm on a roller coaster of emotions and its really hard not having him home.

Steve_ster · ‎08-10-2013

Hi Confussed

I can talk from a husband's perspective - the husband with depression - actually ex-husband. Years later my ex and I are still very close and I think if we knew what was going on then things might be different.

Anyway, yes at first I withdrew. Then I withdrew more. I was seeing a phychologist also. In retrospect, there were things I never told her (until after), I felt that even though married, there were things I could not tell her. Some basic recent things, but more things from childhood or some period of disturbance in earlier life.

Disclaimer: no situation is the same and this is not my field, I only joined this site today as a sufferer, so this is not professional advice.

In the modern era (our era), even the laid back guy if he has underlying anxiety, could not get married without putting up some level of front. To get the girl 🙂 This is a positive in how much he cares that he wouldn't be totally open! yes we are weird.

Since divorce I did open up to my ex-wife. It is amazing how stupid men can be. As for councelling, well I kept up the inner front also there.

I don't know your situation but if he is not mean, I would suggest not just riding it out but the following;

1. Stay positive - things will get better for both of you

2. You are human and have no doubt your own issues also, share them with him, it might help him open up to you. It is a weird thing but by helping you he may open up more - in order to help you he may help himself.

3. Seek help for yourself, you are a sufferer by relation also of his condition

4. Counselling can be something that makes things worse before they get better

5. In no way feel guilty and filter opinions from family and friends.

6. Always remember, like cancer or something, it is a condition. Unless you have some cure for cancer you are not the owner of his problem either

I hope this helps, I am still suffering but feel better if I helped someone.

Take Care Steve

geoff · ‎09-10-2013

dear Confused, it's not your fault one bit that your husband has been either in denial or too scared to talk to you about his depression.

It's a shock and how often does this happen, well a heap of times, especially with men, who feel as though a man should be tough on the inner and external sides of their life.

If he has been able to hide this from you, then it's so hard for you or anyone to be able to know that he has this illness, and most of us have been able to put on a fake exterior, making sure that nobody knows, we don't want to be the weak link.

It's totally understandable that you could not have ' any intimacy or affection in our relationship over the last month', because we are humans and our mood depends on what is going on in our life.

So we have 2 people that need to be helped, your husband and yourself, so I wonder whether or not your husband will reply to this site, probably not if he knows that you have posted, but don't let that put you off, because your the one who contacted us, and you need to go through the usual steps, which is to see your doctor and have a chat with him/her, but also to keep in touch with us.

It's imperative that you stay with someone who can help you, and one of these are the people here. Hope to get a reply. L Geoff. x

confussed · ‎09-10-2013

Thanks Steve for your reply, was good reading what you wrote..

we had good talk this morning and sure him tonight were we talked about how we were going and feeling.....

he is doing good and sounds and looks happier, which caused me to get upset.. Felt very selfish afterward, cause he's happier when not at home... I know at the moment its the depression causing this..

his state of mind and happiness is number 1 at the moment and its going to take time for us to heal.. Just got to ride my roller coaster of emotions at the moment and take care of our girls and our home...

And i hope you are doing well yourself Steve

Lassi · ‎10-10-2013

You and I seem to be on the same journey right now. Your post could have been my own. It is so hard, scary, depressing. I wish I had some advice but am actually clueless right now - still right in the middle of the whitewash at the moment. I wish you all the best. Following your post replies xx

confussed · ‎10-10-2013

Hi Lassi,

It is very scary and a roller coaster of emotions going on.. I'm finding taking each day as it comes and not trying to think to far a head is helping.. And letting the tears flow when ever they need to helps alot...

And have found it good writing down my feelings on here and knowing i'm not the only one going though this... just seems to take some of the pressure away..

Hope you are doing ok and wish you all the best to xx

Lassi · ‎12-10-2013

Yes totally agree, finding this forum has been great for me too. There is so much insight to gain with all the amazing sharing that goes on. I have learned heaps and have a much better understanding of what might be going on for my husband.

Yes, writing definitely helps too - writing daily. Keeping busy also helps - living "as if" all will eventually be OK helps to keep my will and spirits up.

I have been taking the kids out every Sunday (as this was our family ritual) and I find myself gravitating towards the places where I feel a strong connection to my husband - I often find some comfort in that. Other days I feel the need to completely avoid those places and try to discover something new.

Yes, just taking each day as it comes x