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[Pete81]

Hi Im a 33 year old fella recently split from my wife and 2 boys all who i cherish. I have suffered from depression as long as I can remember as a kid always had low thought of yself as not good enough. Was always put down and always made work under stupid threats against me and my cattle ( mad over Santa Gertrudis cattle probably the only thng that has got me through many of tough times) . I then got together with a long time school friend and married. My father passed away suddenly at home shortly after our marriage. After that we planned to move home and run the family farm together and bring our two sons up on my family farm making them the 5th generation to grow up in the house we currently live in. Then it all started to fall to bits the farm went to **** and the banks have been putting us under a lot of pressure to move on. I have not coped well since the death of my father we had a bit of a love hate relationship but still i miss him dearly. We decided we needed to expand the farm and borrowed a heap to start a dairy went well for the first 2 months and just couldnt get a start. Also we live in a very petty area and no one like to see people have a go so they start to talk and spread gossip before it has even happened and spread nasty stories just to get off on what they spread and see how far it gets. My wife and I had major troubles dealing with such gossip and i found it increasingly difficult to talk to her or explain things and had to talk to strangers about things going on anything for a vent i even resorted to chat lines to someone to vent to and just to talk to someone non judgmental. During this time I fell ill a lot and relied on my wife to help out more and more and then she felt i was doijng nothing around the place and then started to resent me and our relationship went downhill from there and will never be the same again she has told me on a number of ocassions that she is a wife not a carer like she ahs had to care for me while i have been sick so offen.

 For the last 20 odd years I have thought I'm not worth the air I breath and wished something would happen that i no longer be a burden to anyone. I still have a plan in place that I will carry out I feel the time is right to end it all. While i was away my wife annouced she was leaving me and just shattered me I was so tempted to just walk off the bridge in brisbane and never be seen or heard from again but I just had to see my boys again and see there smiles and hear there laugh one more time I have come close so many times but just cant follow through .

 We are now at the stage of auctioning our farm tuesday and moving on. I have been offered a job at Rolleston 7 hours away i love the country and the work but cant be that far from my boys and now my ex tells me she wont be able to bring the kids up that far cause she cant afford such a big trip just for them to see me which just gutted me the longest i spent a way is 3 night and i cry everytime i think of them at night don't think I can manage only seeing them a couple times a year. Just cant do it and basicaly dont wont try and live anymore i just have no fight left in me and it kills me for my boys to see me so weak and not caring. My ex tells me that many of husband has been through the same and doesnt see there kids all the time and i will get over it, but they are the only thing I live for if they were not here i would have been in a pine box long ago. Just feel very lost and afraid im going to end it shortly. My family has never meant so much to me Most if not all my close friends are too busy to try and talk to and I just cant tell them about me spliting because I break down when i try to tell them. So when i move all i will have is a ute and me swag , blue dog and me clothes to start a again. Something I never dreamed of doing and just dont think Im strong enough to do either.

Thanks for the vent I'm sure I should have added more but that is the basic story.

[beyondblue_Online_Communi]

Hi there Pete,

We are sorry to hear that things are really tough for you at the moment. We are so glad though that you are reaching out and talking about how you are feeling on here. You have a huge amount of stress and pressure on you at the moment, therefore it is no wonder that you are having some seriously distressing thoughts. Suicidal thoughts too are a symptom of depression and being overwhelmed and therefore it's no wonder you are experiencing these at the moment. Do you have any support for your mental health? Have you ever seen a counsellor or a professional about your mental health? We would recommend going to your GP to discuss things and talk with them about your suicidal thoughts. You can also call the beyondblue helpline to disucss things. They can help with directing you to support. At this stage your symptoms are serious and we would recommend that you get some professional support. It's time to reach out to friends and family for help too. That is why they are there and they will want to help you.
Your sons' sound so important to you and it's great that you are thinking about their future. Remember that no matter what no one can ever take away your relationship with them. You will ALWAYS be their Dad and they will always need you.
Please call the helpline on 1300 224636
keep in touch and let us know when you have some support. We are all here to support you

[Mares73]

Dear Pete I wish I could explain how I feel reading your message. Firstly you are an incredibly strong person for what you have endured. Secondly you say you miss your Dad and then you are thinking of suicide-your boys would never get over that. My Dad committed suicide a few years back and I've never gotten over it-always felt guilty wondering what I could of done to stop it. But like you Pete, I don't think it's about suicide-I think it may be about wanting the pain, suffering and constant stress and pressure to end. I know it's impossible to see a future when you feel this low-but there are ways some of your problems could be eased with support. I may be saying all the wrong things-if I am I'm so sorry. I just could feel your pain and desperation. I beg you-please don't wait any longer-please call Beyond Blue -the number is above and talk about how to get through this time. If you feel so bad that you can't make a phone call then please let us know here and I'm sure someone would contact you. All I can say is today you will be in my thoughts and I hope you can stay with us on this forum. You are not a bad person Pete-you have very low self esteem at moment and many of the typical symtoms of depression. Please hang in there. I'm thinking of you x mares 

[Neil_1]

Hi Pete

That is such a horrible situation that you are experiencing and have experienced for so long now and as the Community Moderator wrote it is great that you are reaching out and telling your story.

That's a very positive move and also a huge positive is your boys and I understand what you're saying about how they mean the world to you.  I have two kids also and they mean everything to me.  But please please, do sit and think that if something tragic were to happen to you, how would they feel?  This is what's stopping me from doing something terrible ... so please try (and I know this is easier said than done), but try to get these feelings/thoughts out of your mind.  Try and get rid of 'your plan'.

Now is probably the tipping point for you, in that it's just got to the stage where you've come on here and posted and all I can say is that takes a lot of courage to do that.  I don't know how much you know about this site or the forums and people who post on here, but this is a community (or even a family) and it's a place where you can air your thoughts, vent your frustrations and basically unload whatever you want.  And you know what, the people who are here do not judge, they are here to support, try to understand and to offer assistance in whatever way we can.

From what you've said, after the auction, will that mean that your ex will stay where you are currently?  Is there no way she and the boys can move closer or even to where you're going to be?

Also, is it totally over with your ex?   I mean, does she now know that you're in the process of trying to seek help and to try and get professional help?  Would that make a difference if you were to say that you've contacted Beyond Blue, you are hoping to see a GP and to try and get professional help and counselling?  Pete, just thought I'd offer this last para, as I don't know how absolutely final your relationship is.

Please get back to us,

Neil

ps:  nothing wrong with the old Santa Gertrudis cattle either ... a damn tough breed.

pss:  I also loved the fact that you mentioned your 'blue dog'.  What's his name?

[Pete81]

Thanks for for all your support!  I have tried meds and visits to the doc and counselling none have really helped. I have no real family to talk too my eldest brother and i hardly talk as all is is worried about is money and what he can inherit and the other so call brother is a drug and alcohol addict that has told me on many of ocassion that he is going to harm me and that i can not hide when I sell the farm. mean while my mother sits back and doesnt care what he does or says he going to do to me saying he doesnt mean it and he wont do it yet I'm so scared of what he could do and dont trust him one bit.

Neil1 me blue dog is called Dottie I bred her but sadly lost her mother to a snake bite 3 years ago she was the best and smartest dog we have ever had on the property . I cried for days when I brought her home from the vet after they put her to sleep .I been involved with Santa Gertrudis for 20 years now and love them going to be hard not having a big herd of cherry reds to look after once we sell up.

I would love to chat to someone about but just choke up as soon as i start to talk and just shut down and cant go on. My counselling i would feel so ashamed because i would cry most of the way through it. Even when dealing with the banks and solictors They found me to be very unstable and need help now. I just feel that there is no point to this life at the moment.

I'm probably more scared about leaving my kids they keep me going and not seeing them everyday just hurts so bad. At this stage we are all still living in the same house until it sells which is good but I do feel like a stranger here at times. I pretty much know there is no hope of getting back together just have to live with it i suppose. I will keep writing on here as i find it is helping if all of you dont mind.

Cheers

Pete

[Neil_1]

Pete

Awesome of you to get back to us and PLEASE continue to write here and send updates … or even reply to other people’s posts;   I feel that there are so many excellent qualities within each of us where we can at times shed some (hopefully) positive light onto other people’s posts, due to the different experiences that we’ve all been through (or are going through).

There is no shame at all in crying … it’s actually a brilliant release mechanism of constricted emotions and tension and if you can cry, DO SO.  I only wish I could cry … I feel sad and want to cry almost all of the time, but the tears won’t come.  Could it be time to get back to your GP to see if a new type of medication could be used?  And perhaps as the first counsellor didn’t work (and more often than not, they don’t) maybe a new counsellor could be referred for you?

It sure does sound like you’re now willing to seek help and with this strong and encouraging attitude, I really think you should try and do all you can to try and address some of the issues.  I mean, even the issue with your ‘bad’ brother is something that should definitely be covered.  It’s amazing ain’t it … you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your rellies.  I had 3 brothers;  now I have one.  My best mate and closest brother, drowned 22 years ago in a river (I was with him and unable to save him);  and my eldest brother now is the only brother that I have (we are close, but unfortunately we don’t live that close to each other – and with my depressive state, I can’t really talk with him on the phone because I get so worked up and tense,anxious, nervous if I have to use a telephone, so I only email him).  The other brother is what you would call an ‘a-whole’ together he and his ‘a-whole’ wife;  they’ve got off all ties to the family after our Dad passed away in 2007.  Some of the stuff they’ve done in the earlier years is really not worth repeating.  Sorry for going off on a different path then.  But just saying that family members can be great … but they can also be totally the opposite to great.

Please keep up your posts here and give Dottie a really good scratch behind the ears and a good pat … she sounds like a ripper of a dog.

Cheers

Neil  

[Pete81]

Thanks everyone for your knid support and advice.

In the last couple of days it has hit me like a ton of bricks I cant do it I cant leave me kids i cant live alone in the middle of nowhere just dont know what to do. I really couldnt care if christmas didnt happen at all this year. In other words it feels like ive gone into shut down mode.

I woke up so good Wednesday after our property auction as bright as and full of life which lasted an hour and has got increasingly difficult to function ever since, I'm to the stage all i do is want to sleep and cry all the time. Wednesday afternoon I went and seen someone from the Salvos to work through my depression just felt i wasted there time and mine?

Just dont know if im strong enough to be able to get through the next few months. I have thought about ringing the beyondblue phone line but I just cant talk and choke up and sit there in silience unable to speak or move.

[Suzbj]

Hey Pete, I really feel for you. Please don’t even consider ending it. Your children need you no matter what. Look, you’re being answered by a city woman here but I do know that people on the land have really had it tough. Too many droughts and bad seasons. Too many people losing their land. It’s not just a job, but a life of many generations. I don’t know how to make you believe this but you do matter so much. Especially to your children. No matter what has gone on with you and your wife, your children need you. You have rights. I’m so sorry that the fifth generation property is being auctioned but please understand that that is happening to many people on the land right now and is not a reflection on you. If I had only won the 70 million lotto, maybe I could have put some resources back in primary industry. But I didn’t. I know this is not what you probably want to hear right now, but given that it is what it is, is there any way you can start a new legacy for your children? You can do it! You are not alone. We have your back. There are really great people on this site. You are not alone. Please hang in there. Life is worth living. Cheers Suz

[Suzbj]

Also, I there is a great organisation for men who have broken up with their partners and have issues with their children. I actually interviewed to founder of this organisation about five years ago for an assignment re studies. They sound really genuine and really supportive. What have you you got to lose? Give it a go! Dads in Distress - online contact if you google it or  1300 853 437 or the office number,  02 6652 8113. 

Please stay in touch!

Thinking of you

Cheers

Susan

[Suzbj]

Reading your response here Pete! You are tough! You are strong! You belong to the land and have done the hard yards! You know that!!! Most of us can't even imagine how tough it is being on the land, so you can do this too!! You CAN and WILL get help and ring the beyond blue line. And if you cry all the way through, so what?? That is little in what you have done on the land. 

I know. I get it. People on the land don't cry etc etc. But they really do. They just do it in secret. And you know what? The people on the land that don't stick to the old view of tough equals don't cry are actually the tough ones. It takes a tough person to shed tears. Be proud. You have more strengths than most of us can imagine.:) 🙂 You WILL be okay 🙂 🙂