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[Pete81]

Hi Im a 33 year old fella recently split from my wife and 2 boys all who i cherish. I have suffered from depression as long as I can remember as a kid always had low thought of yself as not good enough. Was always put down and always made work under stupid threats against me and my cattle ( mad over Santa Gertrudis cattle probably the only thng that has got me through many of tough times) . I then got together with a long time school friend and married. My father passed away suddenly at home shortly after our marriage. After that we planned to move home and run the family farm together and bring our two sons up on my family farm making them the 5th generation to grow up in the house we currently live in. Then it all started to fall to bits the farm went to **** and the banks have been putting us under a lot of pressure to move on. I have not coped well since the death of my father we had a bit of a love hate relationship but still i miss him dearly. We decided we needed to expand the farm and borrowed a heap to start a dairy went well for the first 2 months and just couldnt get a start. Also we live in a very petty area and no one like to see people have a go so they start to talk and spread gossip before it has even happened and spread nasty stories just to get off on what they spread and see how far it gets. My wife and I had major troubles dealing with such gossip and i found it increasingly difficult to talk to her or explain things and had to talk to strangers about things going on anything for a vent i even resorted to chat lines to someone to vent to and just to talk to someone non judgmental. During this time I fell ill a lot and relied on my wife to help out more and more and then she felt i was doijng nothing around the place and then started to resent me and our relationship went downhill from there and will never be the same again she has told me on a number of ocassions that she is a wife not a carer like she ahs had to care for me while i have been sick so offen.

 For the last 20 odd years I have thought I'm not worth the air I breath and wished something would happen that i no longer be a burden to anyone. I still have a plan in place that I will carry out I feel the time is right to end it all. While i was away my wife annouced she was leaving me and just shattered me I was so tempted to just walk off the bridge in brisbane and never be seen or heard from again but I just had to see my boys again and see there smiles and hear there laugh one more time I have come close so many times but just cant follow through .

 We are now at the stage of auctioning our farm tuesday and moving on. I have been offered a job at Rolleston 7 hours away i love the country and the work but cant be that far from my boys and now my ex tells me she wont be able to bring the kids up that far cause she cant afford such a big trip just for them to see me which just gutted me the longest i spent a way is 3 night and i cry everytime i think of them at night don't think I can manage only seeing them a couple times a year. Just cant do it and basicaly dont wont try and live anymore i just have no fight left in me and it kills me for my boys to see me so weak and not caring. My ex tells me that many of husband has been through the same and doesnt see there kids all the time and i will get over it, but they are the only thing I live for if they were not here i would have been in a pine box long ago. Just feel very lost and afraid im going to end it shortly. My family has never meant so much to me Most if not all my close friends are too busy to try and talk to and I just cant tell them about me spliting because I break down when i try to tell them. So when i move all i will have is a ute and me swag , blue dog and me clothes to start a again. Something I never dreamed of doing and just dont think Im strong enough to do either.

Thanks for the vent I'm sure I should have added more but that is the basic story.

[Jo3]

Hi Pete

I am so sorry to read about what you're going through.  I feel for you.  But do you know what - you have your boys.  They are your life, your love.  As Suz, Mares and Neil say - you can get through this and you will.  Please give beyond blue a call - even if you just say a few words and you end up crying - it doesn't matter.  They will be there for you, they will listen and support you.

And if you find that too distressing, then stay with us here, we will listen and support you.  Stay strong for you and your boys.

Please take care, let us know how you go.

Thinking of you

Jo