People tell me I'm doing things wrong, but won't explain to me exactly what and how

[Earth Girl]

People from school keep indirectly telling me to do better, but they never directly explained to me exactly what it is that I am doing wrong. I want to be a nice person, and I try to be, but it's really hard figuring out what the problem is when people are very vague about it.

They indirectly tell me...

That I'm vain, superficial and socially fake, but don't explain how/what it is that I'm doing that makes me so.

That I'm stubborn, but don't explain how.

That I'm unforgiving 

That I only want what's best for me

That I lack warmth and humility

That I'm materialistic

That I'm pretentious

That I believe in stereotypes 

That I'm manipulative (I've looked this word up many times, but still don't get it, but it's definitely something that I wouldn't want to be because apparently, it's sort of like controlling people in a really mean way?) I also don't know how exactly I am doing this though or what it means.

That I'm heartless - If you're going to call someone this especially, PLEASE explain what exactly they are doing that makes them this because nobody wants to be like this.

That I don't say please and thank you - I use to not do this a lot for a stage when I was a teenager when I was using another forum, but I realized I was being rude and it probably didn't make people feel good even though they were helping me so I started doing it again so I don't see how I am still doing this? There have been times other than when I used that site when it didn't occur to me to say thank you, but it wasn't because I didn't appreciate them. I struggle a lot socially so sometimes I will think "that was nice what that person did for me" and then think "Oh, I probably should have said thank you." I say it when it occurs to me though, because I want people to know that I appreciate what they've done for me.

That I don't let others have opinions - again, no examples given.

That I'm jealous of others instead of just being envious and using that to get better - I don't know how I'm still acting jealous?

That I'm unfriendly

Selfish

Hypocritical

Etc... 

If you're going to tell someone these things, but don't explain to them how they are doing these things/acting this way, it kind of defeats the purpose.

And when I politely ask them if they could please explain how I am only caring about material things or what stereotypes I believe in for example, they just get mad at me.

It's really hard to stop doing something wrong when you don't know exactly what it is that you are doing wrong. 

[Earth Girl]

Hi Psychdiaries2! Thanks for your reply! I'm sorry for taking a long time to get back to you. I'm pretty sure I have ADHD and it's driving me crazy. 

I could ask my doctor if I could get an x-ray done. A lot of doctors tell me that I have it without even having to do any tests because my back and the way I walk and stand even make it really obvious. I often hear people say I have it. I'll remind my parents that it can get worse and hopefully they'll eventually take it seriously. 

An endocrinologist sounds good. I've been told that I could also get a full thyroid panel blood test because that will check every part of my thyroid. I'm actually kind of hoping that I do have a thyroid problem (depending on how it is fixed) because I have a lot of medical symptoms and have had them for a long time and I don't know why I have them, but if I have a thyroid problem, at least it will all make sense and hopefully I can get help for it and I won't have all these unexplainable symptoms anymore. I even get body odor easily despite washing myself well every day - sometimes twice a day. 

I'm actually 31, but I act very young for my age, and I am also very dependent for my age because of my disability and lack of experience. I can't drive either because I have an eye condition. I'm trying to get more independent. 

I'll try to talk to my parents more about how it is impacting my life - that should give them more of an idea of how important it is. I've heard people say that I'm "going to end up like the hunchback of Notre Dam." It's funny because I can sometimes stand and walk fairly normally and feel confident and other times I walk really strangely and I can't figure out why.

[Earth Girl]

"Lousia" and I were talking about people who we didn't get along with (a and b). I thought that if I explained more of the story to "Janet" that she would be able to see it through L's pov because she sided so much with a and b. I told her not to tell anyone and she said okay so I told her something that Louisa told me that happened and I thought Janet would think, okay, I can see why Louisa would be annoyed, but instead she just went "So what?!" She seemed kind of like she wanted to talk to people who were connected to me, Louisa and her about it because she brought them up, but I thought, surely she won't, she even said she wouldn't. 

A few months later, I messaged Louisa on Facebook and she left me on read and logged out. I wasn't sure what to think because I didn't know what that meant back then so I wasn't sure if things were okay or not. Later on, I saw on a site where people talk about me that she said that I betrayed her and I was thinking, what? How did I betray her?? I read some more things that she said about me on there and then I realized she must have meant what I said to Janet and Janet obviously told the people or one of the people about it and they then told Louisa. She also said a lot of things about how ugly I look and those were the mild things she said. Her Dad who is at least 70 now also said lots of mean things on there about me (mature). They also talked about how I judge people based on star signs (I was one of those cringey "I'm a cancer" people, but I stopped doing it one day when I was 26 because I realized how dumb it was). He says a lot of just as stupid things at his age that I don't talk about, but anyway...

I asked Janet if she told anyone about what I told her and she got really mad and said she didn't, but she has a horrible memory and she talks about me to other people all the time and quickly forgets all about it so I'm certain she did. 

I don't know what to do about this. All this happened several years ago, but they are still talking about it on that site (both her and her parents). I also deleted Facebook several years ago so I can't reach out to her on there. She's telling everyone that I betrayed her when I wasn't meaning to do that. I know it wasn't a wise idea now anyway and I shouldn't have said anything because even if Janet could see it from her pov, it could still get messy and Louisa wouldn't have wanted me to tell her anyway, but I wasn't meaning any harm. I don't know what J said or what others said to L. 

[Croix]

Dear Earth Girl~

I guess like most of us wisdom is earned at a price. It's quite clear from your closing remarks you now feel it was an unfortunate mistake to talk about others, no matter how well intentioned, the chances of things working out as you meant them to are only average.

It is only natural to wish for harmony in the people you know however it might be best to let them sort themselves out by themselves.

The other thing was you said you had stopped using Facebook.  Really it is a breading ground for untruths and malice and you are well out of it. I only use Facebook where I have to for official organizations' pages and never for any form of social interaction.

If a person is a friend, not a Facebook "friend" which is another thing entirely, and you have hurt or offended them then friendship would mean they talked to you about it, gave you a chance to explain, not cut you off dead and badmouth you from then on.

It did happen several years ago and although there can be a natural tendency to go over ones past mistakes  (I'm guilty too:( after a while it might be better to make a conscious effort to think of other things. I try comedy on YouTube.

It is better to have good intentions and kindness anyway.

Croix

[Earth Girl]

Hi Croix, thanks for your response.

Yeah, it wasn't a good idea either way. Louisa, Janet and I are actually family which is what makes this really messy. Louisa was really nice to me until I did this, now she and her Dad say really mean things about me online and I don't think they will ever move on. It's also going to be really awkward if our whole family have to have some type of gathering for some reason. 

I go over mistakes like this a lot, but it doesn't help and even if I could talk to Louisa about it, I don't know if that would help or not either. 

At least now I know why it's best not to do this sort of thing even if you're trying to help unless it's necessary (e.g. someone is in danger). 

[Croix]

Dear Earth Girl~

It may have been the fact family was involved made you feel obliged to try to start this whole thing - for the best of motives.

Actually if there was a family gathering with all face to face and you did not start to apologize or refer to the matter thus bringing it to the surface  it may all seem less important to them with the chance of it being side-stepped and amicable relations (relations? - that's a pun, sorry) start to build up. If they don't want to be friendly again I'd think that is a reflection on them and their limitations rather than you.

I'm sure this cannot be the only unhappy thing in the past that you feel responsible for and keep coming back to.  Planning for this so you become diverted away would seem sensible, that's what I try to do, if YouTube does not work I use Smiling Mind, which works surprisingly well  after some practice. It has umpteen exercise for just about anybody -even me who has to be reminded all the time:(

Smiling mind does take some practice, you cannot just log on for the first time and expect the first exercise to leave you a in a calm state. I started with children's anxiety exercises and worked up from there. As I have the attention span of a goldfish I have an exercise where I'm gently reminded OFTEN to bring my mind back and not let it wander.

Croix

[Earth Girl]

A lot of people don't seem to understand that some parents have.. extreme layers. When I try to talk to people about my parents, they say things like "It may just seem that way" "They seem really nice", but they have only seen them when they are being nice. This morning, I feel really mad at them (more so than usual). I can feel the anger in my heart and I'm doing deep breathing right now because I am pissed. My sisters sometimes can see that they are bad and other times they tell me that they are nice, but my parents are a lot nicer to them than they are to me. Even when they aren't nice to them, they still aren't as mean to them as they are towards me. Last year, my younger sister got treated the same way they treat me over the phone (my Dad saying "hi" then saying "I have another phone call so bye" - that's literally all he said) and my Mum talking AT her instead of TO her. She talked to me about it and was crying. I felt really bad, but at least she could temporarily see it through my perspective because they have treated me like that since I was in Primary school. They ignore me and obviously I don't mean that they don't say things like good morning to me or they bump into me without noticing, they do, but that's it, that's pretty much all they do unless other people are around. When they are mean to me, I very nicely explain the problem to them and they usually get pissed, I remain nice, they still continue being mean and after a while I can not take it anymore and then they say "Well, just be nice and I will listen" I was nice to you for ages!

My Mum:

* Gets furious when someone doesn't listen or interrupts her even though she is the worst listener and most interruptive person.

* Lies without realizing she's lying.

* Forgets mean things she did and when I bring it up nicely, she gets mad.

* Has to say practically everything out loud.

* Tells everyone everything even when I specifically ask her not to.

* Gives the silent treatment when you haven't even done anything wrong.

Etc

Dad:

* Tells Mum and I that we need to be more tolerant even though he gets mad so easily. 

* Was kind of violent when I was younger and I'm scared to speak up because I am worried he might slap me (I'm serious).

* Tries to make my Mum think she hates woman even though he hates woman.

Etc.

They put words into my mouth and break my trust all the time (not that I trust them anymore).

They are VERY temperamental. They literally talk about how they "deserve" better children. I keep my mouth shut.

[Earth Girl]

Thanks Croix. 🙂

It's going to be awkward if we have a gathering or something, but I can't really do anything about it and yes, there's a lot of regrets that I have, but I'll just try to distract myself. Youtube has a lot of funny videos and I will try Smiling Mind as well, it sounds interesting. 

[Earth Girl]

Does anyone else have parents who seem so lovely, but are actually really temperamental behind closed doors (like at home and in the car) and have to deal with people trying to get you to realize how "nice" they are even though they have only seen their nice side and would hate them more than you do if they really knew them? 

[Earth Girl]

They keep saying really mean things to me and our fights usually go like this:

Mum: Hurts my feelings. Me: Mum, that's not nice. Mum: Aughhh! I didn't mean it in a bad way! I just... I just meant... It was a joke! Me: It wasn't a nice "joke." Mum: I wouldn't have said it if I knew it would cause this reaction! Me: Do not put this on me! Starts getting more upset Mum: I just don't want to get in trouble! Me: Stop saying that! That's not what I'm doing! You're the one doing the wrong thing! Mum: Either angrily walks off and gives me the silent treatment or angrily says "I don't want to talk about this right now! Lets leave it for now!" Me: Just say it nicely! Mum: Let's just leave it for now!!!! Me: Why can't you just say it nicely?! You're so rude! Goes to my room to cry. Mum a few hours later: Do you want to have a talk about it? Me: Explains to her why I'm upset. Mum: Oh, I see. Okay, I am sorry... about um... what I said that made you... um upset. Me: I'm upset because you... So could you please say why you are sorry. Mum: Oh okay. *Gives another bad apology* Is it okay now? I hope I am forgiven. 🙂 Me: Knows she'll eventually get mad if I say that was a bad apology, but as far as her apologies go, it could be worse. Yeah... Mum: That's good. *Usually walks off or occasionally asks me if we can hug* Me: No thanks. Mum: Gets offended and starts talking about how she feels rejected and how it's like when I was a newborn, I didn't look at her in the eyes and it reminds her of that and she "knows it sounds silly because I was just a newborn, but it does hurt her feelings"

Dad: Hurts my feelings. Me: That's not nice. Dad: I didn't mean to say it, it just came out before I thought about it haha. Me: *Thinks about how he did mean to say it because I usually let him get away with it and regrets it not because he hurt my feelings, but because I called him out* Dad: Okay, I'm sorry. Me: You keep saying things like that and it's not nice. I may look in the mirror a lot, but when I was in school, I got called ugly everyday so now I want to look nice all the time. People would shout out "She's so ugly!" when I walked past them. Dad: Well, people at school called me big head haha. Me: *Thinks about how he does have a big head, but not in that way and wonders why he thinks that is worse than being called ugly*. Me: There are so many bad things I could say about you, but I keep them to myself, even when you put me down. Dad: Okay, that's very good of you. *Said in uncaring way* Me: It hurt my feelings because:... Dad: Shrugs I take it back!?

And often when I fight with my Mum, she'll give me the silent treatment when I tell her why it hurt my feelings so I'll say it again and she goes "Stop repeating yourself!" I'll tell her it's because she doesn't listen and she goes "I listened to everything you said!" I tell her she doesn't understand though, then she goes "I do, stop repeating yourself! I cry a lot and act really stressed and she'll tell me to "calm down!" I tell her I just need some time to calm down because I'm stressed and then she waits about 20 seconds and then goes "Okay, you can stop now!" And I usually don't defend myself when it comes to my Dad because he can get SO angry that I'm literally worried that he will slap me if I defend myself too much.

They "apologize" and in just about 2 weeks (or sometimes even about 2 hours) they do the exact same thing again even if they say they won't. Then I get upset with them again and then they go "Oh, not again! We're not perfect! Other families are much worse!"

[Earth Girl]

I recently finished working at an office as a re-stocking person (things like coffee and paper) and light cleaning (cleaning things like the tables and benches) and it was a great job where I could work at my own pace, but I had been working there for 3 years and I wanted to try something new. 

I am planning to try to get into something like Woolworths (if they have places for people with the type of disabilities that I have), retail (a clothing store or something like that) or maybe a cleaner in a hairdressers which someone at my previous job told me they think I'd be good at and I had done work experience before at a hairdressers and the people there were pleased and I got offered a job there, but I had something wrong with my tummy at the time.

I'm just a bit worried because I have:

* Sleep problems and no matter what I do - Exercise regularly, eat a lot healthier, use good sleep-hygiene, etc. I often still have problems with it, and I don't want to be extremely tired at work. Lately I've had good sleep, but I don't know how long it will last because it changes.

* This is embarrassing, but my bladder is not as good as it was when I was 13. At the previous jobs I've had, I could go to the bathroom whenever I needed to, but I don't know if I will be able to go whenever at my new job. It would also be kind of embarrassing to tell my manager/boss about this problem.

* Late last year, I started getting a lot of mucus in my throat about once a week that I have to cough a lot to get out (sorry). So far it has luckily only happened when I'm at home.

I've gone to doctors about these problems and am still trying to figure them out.