People tell me I'm doing things wrong, but won't explain to me exactly what and how

[Earth Girl]

People from school keep indirectly telling me to do better, but they never directly explained to me exactly what it is that I am doing wrong. I want to be a nice person, and I try to be, but it's really hard figuring out what the problem is when people are very vague about it.

They indirectly tell me...

That I'm vain, superficial and socially fake, but don't explain how/what it is that I'm doing that makes me so.

That I'm stubborn, but don't explain how.

That I'm unforgiving 

That I only want what's best for me

That I lack warmth and humility

That I'm materialistic

That I'm pretentious

That I believe in stereotypes 

That I'm manipulative (I've looked this word up many times, but still don't get it, but it's definitely something that I wouldn't want to be because apparently, it's sort of like controlling people in a really mean way?) I also don't know how exactly I am doing this though or what it means.

That I'm heartless - If you're going to call someone this especially, PLEASE explain what exactly they are doing that makes them this because nobody wants to be like this.

That I don't say please and thank you - I use to not do this a lot for a stage when I was a teenager when I was using another forum, but I realized I was being rude and it probably didn't make people feel good even though they were helping me so I started doing it again so I don't see how I am still doing this? There have been times other than when I used that site when it didn't occur to me to say thank you, but it wasn't because I didn't appreciate them. I struggle a lot socially so sometimes I will think "that was nice what that person did for me" and then think "Oh, I probably should have said thank you." I say it when it occurs to me though, because I want people to know that I appreciate what they've done for me.

That I don't let others have opinions - again, no examples given.

That I'm jealous of others instead of just being envious and using that to get better - I don't know how I'm still acting jealous?

That I'm unfriendly

Selfish

Hypocritical

Etc... 

If you're going to tell someone these things, but don't explain to them how they are doing these things/acting this way, it kind of defeats the purpose.

And when I politely ask them if they could please explain how I am only caring about material things or what stereotypes I believe in for example, they just get mad at me.

It's really hard to stop doing something wrong when you don't know exactly what it is that you are doing wrong. 

[Jessica_Cloud]

Hi Earth Girl, well done for seeing the opportunity for growth and reaching out for help. That takes courage. I wonder if you might be neurodiverse. A touch of the ‘tism? I have a strong family history of neurodivergent people, so know that you’re not alone. You’re at the beginning of a journey of growth and discovery which can be exciting, rewarding, painful and plain tough. You have taken the first step and I stand with you. Stay strong, keep going until you get your answers. You got this. 

[Earth Girl]

Hi Jessica_Cloud, thanks for your reply. 🙂

Yes, my family and I are all a bit autistic so I think that might make it harder for us to learn this sort of thing.

I agree that the growth journey is both rewarding and painful because I believe I have a problem with vulnerable narcissism and every time I get a bit better with it, it hurts because I start thinking really deeply about pain I have caused other people, but it makes me feel better about myself and life in other ways.

I was wondering if you know what a manipulator/a manipulative person is? And if you do, could you please try to explain it to me? I find this one especially confusing. 

Thanks for your support! 

[Jessica_Cloud]

Some people will manipulate you because they are trying to get their needs met, but they can’t ask you directly because they have learnt (in childhood , probably) that their needs are not important. For example, they might say things to make you feel so guilty that you do something for them, but they could have just asked you straight out.

Manipulation is difficult to detect because the manipulator is usually calm and seems reasonable.

It is difficult for people on the spectrum to understand the subtext and ulterior motives of manipulators.

You like people to be direct, but some people are not able to be direct.

Instead of asking you “can you do my washing?” They might say, “you’re such an awful person, you never do anything for me.” Does that help? 

[Earth Girl]

Thanks, that was a helpful way for me to understand it better.

I was wondering, if you get into an argument with someone and you're annoyed with them and so try to make them feel bad about something they did (even though it was a long time ago, didn't affect you specifically and didn't have anything to do with what the argument was about), is that a form of manipulation? Someone who I was friends with said I was a manipulator. I wasn't trying to make her to things for me in an indirect way, but we got into an argument, and I ended up trying to make her feel bad about something which didn't even involve me (which I know was really wrong now). So maybe that's what she was referring to. 

Can it also mean that you try to cause problems with people and their friends?

[Earth Girl]

My parents say really racist things. My Mum often says things like "Those Asian people" "A police officer was chasing an Asian man because... and then the Asian man..." "There's this Asian woman on this show who I don't really trust... I think it might partly be because she is Asian" "I don't like saying certain sayings like you're welcome because it's very American" "I don't like annoying American accents." (She once also impersonated the way Asian people speak, and she was mumbling when she did it and not even saying any words). 

When I was little, since my parents kept talking about how evil Americans are, I thought they must have been really mean people. My Mum was reading us a picture book, and she said, "Typical Americans, they don't know how to draw."

About 5 years ago I think it was, I asked her why she didn't like Americans and she said, "Because they think they are better than us!" I said most of them probably don't think that and she went "Oh yes they do!"

She also says things like "There was a very nice black man at... today" and the other day she said, "Dad and I went for a walk, and there were two men there and one of them was black." When she finished the story, I asked what him being black had to do with anything and she said that she was just talking about his appearance (even though there was no need to). I mean, if I was asking what someone looked like because I was trying to find them then it would be okay to say, "They are tall, have dark skin, etc.", but she'll say that people are black or Asian when there's literally no need to.

My Dad was watching a show and he said "Wow, she's dark haha." Why do they feel the need to say these things!? 

I've tried to explain to them that there's no need to say these things and that every culture has nice and not nice people in them and that I've known lots of really nice people who are Asian. But they just get annoyed with me and my Mum says "Fine, I just won't talk to you about this sort of thing then" and I said Well, I've told you before that I don't want to hear it!

My Mum has also told me that she doesn't think that I should worry about being politically correct because it's a waste of time.

I can't cut my parents out for many reasons, but even if I could, they would make me feel bad and say, "We may not be perfect." 

Everyone thinks they are so nice, but they have no idea how temperamental they are, and they act very differently outside than they often do inside the house. 

[Sadie-Eve]

Hi Earth Girl,

Sending kind thoughts and best wishes your way.💖

I just wanted to share that I have experienced what you have, in my own family. In my view it can be a generational issue. It is positive and to be celebrated that you yourself don't interpret the world with race at the forefront of your interactions. However, unfortunately this is not often the case for particularly older generations. In my home there is an older family member who also comments on how dark someone's skin is and thinks it is fine to always comment on womens appearances.

I think you should have confidence in your approach and in your views. 

As a daughter or son it can be hard to realise that the parents you love have their own issues, biases, problems and unresolved pain. We are used to them being the ones who are always right (particularly when we were younger).

Surround yourself with good friends who are kind and respectful people, continue to educate yourself. 

It is hard when people we love hold small-minded views. 

All the very best. 

[Earth Girl]

Hi Sadie-Eve, thanks for your support and well wishes. 💓

Yeah, it sounds like it might be sort of like a generational thing and my parents definitely have unresolved pain along with me and my sisters and probably my Grandparents and so on. My parents say some things that are really great, it's just that they also do a lot of hurtful stuff to me and I don't like the way they talk about some races, but it's hard for them to understand since they were brought up when this sort of thing may not have had these things talked about as much as now. I try to get them to understand sometimes while remaining polite, but it might be better to not say anything since after a while, it turns into a bit of an argument. 

Thanks so much. 🙂

[Psychdiaries2]

Hey there,

I understand and relate to your frustration over your family’s prejudices. I also have noticed similar biases that older generations have and often times when I have called my family out on it, they don’t seem to understand. I agree with you that these are racist statements and they are not ok. 

I always try to call them out on it, even if they won’t listen. I guess that’s all that you can really do. Explain why that was not ok to say and hope that they’ll question it and change their behaviour. After a while it gets exhausting trying to argue your point across people who don’t care to understand, so I guess there comes a point where it doesn’t seem worth it to keep arguing. It is heartbreaking though to see people have views that are purely racist, but I hope you have friends and other family members who are kinder and more respectful of everyone.

Thanks for sharing. Hope you have a nice new years! 

[Sadie-Eve]

💖You are wise and compassionate!