Painfully lonely, but all of my desperate attempts at connection are met with silence

justagirl

I've never posted on here before - sorry if this is too long. I'm lonely. I live on a very isolated property with my partner. We moved here 6+ hours away from anyone we knew a few years ago. The small community around us are quite a lot older than me (40-50 years older) or very young with children. I don't have children and have found that my friendships with these people fizzle out or there is less time for me in their lives because they involve themselves with other parents etc. which makes total sense. My partner works out of the house for 12+ hours a day. I am alone all day and rarely see friends and family in person. I was able to socialise with a small group of people at work but I lost my job and those people ("friends") never contacted me again. I've been working very hard on making myself available and communicating strongly though social media etc. to be able to keep connections alive with people in my life - however, I'm finding that everyone (including my partner) are too busy to reply to me. My family is narcissistic and will only speak to me to complain about their lives, I've tried to foster a meaningful connection but they have their own problems. My partner is busy at work and I often won't hear from them all day until 5/6pm. My texts or an interesting video that I'll send go unanswered even though I can see they're active. My friends all have other friends that are physically part of their daily lives so it makes sense that I'm the last one they get back to but all the same, I'm very very very lonely. All I've ever wanted was connection after a childhood of neglect. A lot of advice says to look into myself and be better friends with myself, find hobbies etc but I've done that - it's all I do - what I'm craving is connection with other people and it can't be filled with a substitute hobby. I feel so tired and heavy all the time and just thinking about how lonely I am and how I can't seem to be able to fix it puts a weight on my chest.

Has anyone been in this situation and found a solution?

michiru_maeda

Hey I'm in similar boat and can relate with the isolation. I haven't found a solution yet. As you have said connection with other people can't be substituted with hobbies. My passion for hobbies have fizzled out.

I spent 10 years of my life here to get my paperwork sorted. I took any jobs to survive. I tried to network with people from my industry. But it's hard to connect when I have been out of the industry for so long. On top of that, I experience impostor syndrome and low self-esteem at the event. I have stopped coming there.

I recently lost my job too. I had been working as a casual worker for 5 years. The hours were inconsistent but I was always given hours. I managed to save regularly at least. But a new staff was given preferential treatment. I hunted for jobs relentlessly. Got a job, I think I did well at the job, but I didn't get rostered on for the following week. Back to job hunting now.

melodica

I relate to a lot of what you’ve written. For different reasons, there have been long stretches in my life where I felt very alone as well. I’ve done the “look within” work people often suggest—therapy, reflection, changing patterns, building routines, and learning how to sit with myself. In many ways, it helped. I made significant life changes as a result of that inner work.

But one thing I’ve learned is that the advice to “just be comfortable with yourself” can miss something important. Humans aren’t designed to thrive in isolation. We are wired for connection. Even the most self-aware, independent person still needs other people in their life. Wanting that doesn’t mean you’re failing at self-growth.

Reading your post, it sounds less like you’re doing something wrong and more like you’re caught in a situation where connection is genuinely difficult to access. Living far away from others, losing a workplace community, having family who aren’t emotionally available, and a partner who is working long hours — that’s a lot of structural isolation. Anyone in that position would feel the weight of loneliness.

Something else you wrote really stood out to me: you’ve been putting effort into maintaining connections, reaching out, sending messages, and keeping relationships alive. That shows you haven’t given up on connection. It also shows that loneliness isn’t a result of a lack of trying.

Sometimes loneliness isn’t about personal growth, hobbies, or mindset. Sometimes it’s about being in environments where the available connections don’t meet our needs. Age gaps in the community, friends whose lives revolve around parenting, people busy with their own circles — these can create a mismatch even when everyone involved is a decent person.

I’ve learned that connection often comes from finding the right spaces rather than trying to force it within the ones already around us. Sometimes those spaces aren’t geographical anymore. They can be online communities, shared-interest groups, study groups, forums, or small circles built around something meaningful.

Your longing for connection makes sense. After a childhood of neglect, that need can be even stronger because it’s something that was missing for so long. Feeling the weight of that doesn’t mean you’re weak or doing life wrong. It means you’re human.

You’re not the only person living with this kind of loneliness, even though it can feel that way. And the fact you wrote this tells me a part of you still believes connection is possible.

ViolettaZ

Hi,

Thank you for sharing this so honestly. What you’re feeling sounds heavy, and it makes a lot of sense that you would feel lonely in that situation. Living somewhere isolated and not having regular contact with people can be really difficult for anyone.

It sounds like you’ve already been trying very hard to stay connected with people and make an effort to reach out, which says a lot about you. Sometimes loneliness isn’t about not trying enough, it’s simply that our environment or circumstances make connection harder.

You mentioned that what you really crave is genuine connection with others, and that’s completely valid. Humans are social beings, and hobbies or “being okay alone” can’t fully replace meaningful relationships.

I don’t have a perfect solution, but I wonder if finding some form of regular community (e.g., volunteering, classes, or interest groups where people meet consistently) might slowly help create new connections over time. Sometimes repeated interaction with the same people can gradually turn into friendships.

But most importantly, please know that your feelings are valid and you’re not strange or weak for feeling this way.

I'm glad that you shared this here.

Warm regards🤗

ViolettaZ

Doors24

Dear justagirl,

I joined this forum for similar reasons to yourself. I just want human connection and communication. I have read your post and can understand the feelings connected to alot of what you are saying.

I feel sometimes I can be a people pleaser to make people like me and it still doesn’t work out anyway. And I also feel like if someone is nice or kind to me, I have to be more nice or kinder back to them as a thank you or I am afraid they will leave too. I always feel that if it doesn’t work out, then it is my fault.

I understand the avenues that are proposed to make friends, and how they don’t work out either.

But I do agree with the other posters on this thread. You are trying. And more than once and then giving up. You are getting creative at your approach to connecting with others. And you have identified that others around you aren’t really falling into the mold where you can make strong connections. You are actually doing a really good job. I agree a hobby can’t fill the loneliness. It can just be a great source of distraction.

I am lonely too. I would like to give you a answer of how I have fixed it, but I haven’t yet. But I know from being on this forum, a lot of people including myself, feel the same as you. And especially after a childhood of disconnection, craving connection and not getting it, is harder. But please remember, it isn’t you. It can definitely be situational. And also that other people you have in your life, have their own lives, but you can still be important to them. They just might have a list of things to do, before they can sit down and have a moment to contact you.

Perhaps an answer maybe, to start making one acquaintance/ friend here and there at a time. And not try to be friends with everyone in a group. One friend or person can lead you into the path of other people. And the reality is, that not everybody is going to like everybody. It can’t be like school or work, where you are forced to be in the same environment and connect with each other to survive that time easier.

Through your post you sound like a nice and approachable person.

You have posted here, and I am more than happy to keep chatting if you want to. I am more then happy to talk more about anything you have already posted,instead of anything new.

Doors24