pain limit

[Sentient]

Hello!

Just looking for any advice or success stories. I'm really at my limit with 10 years of depression. I just don't believe there's any coming back from this. It would take years for me to get anywhere near back to normal. Brief summary. 23yr old male, I have a panic disorder and depression. I had a full blown mental breakdown in 2017(19 years old) after years of depression/suicide from pornography problems/sexual dysfunction. As well as abusive parents and an anxiety disorder. Woke up 2017 one day at uni thought I was having a heart attack. kept happening everyday for months. Still get constant chest pain all day. Got told I have a panic disorder. Avoiding work, eating, showering because I thought it would trigger panic attack and kill me. 2019, managed to recover after months of exercise pushing through chest pain. Then I got a chest infection and had problems for 6 months. Chest pain came back, back to zero. Stuck inside 80% of the time since 2019 with headaches, chest pain. Muscle wasting, weight loss. Burned out on internet, tv, games. Insane. Had a suicide attempt, somehow survived. Done psychology, psychiatry, mental wards. I'm waiting for NDIS. Was homeless for a year. I've lost 10 years of my life effectively, massive depression separate of panic. 23 years old now. I can't see anyway out of this. I'm seeing a pscyhologist currently but I don't believe them, nothing works. My biggest mistake was not telling anyone 10 years ago.

I know that might be a lot but any help would be appreciated

Thanks

[Petal22]

Hi Sentient,

So sorry for everything that has happened to you……. I understand it must be so difficult……. I think it’s great that you are still trying 💪 keep it up…….

It takes a lot of courage to push through hard times

Never Give Up

Good things are coming your way

We are all here on this forum to chat to you…… please pop in for a chat anytime 😊

[therising]

Hi Sentient

You've definitely been through a lot. My heart goes out to you on so many levels.

I'm a firm believer in the fact that we all need guides, no matter our age. Much of what we navigate through in life is stuff we faced for the 1st time. There's the obvious stuff and then there's the less obvious 1st time stuff. It's like you could have dealt with depression for years but face it at it's worst for the 1st time 5 or 10 years in. You could have been in a relationship for 20 years, with highs and lows, but be facing the worst low ever for the 1st time.

When I think of all the 1sts you've experienced, based on what you've mentioned, I feel for you so deeply. As a young 12 year old, exploring feelings not a lot of people openly talk about, it was your 1st time seriously exploring. Throw a religious upbringing, a lack of self understanding and abusive parents into the mix and it becomes the perfect storm for stress, low self esteem, guilt and confusion. Your 1st time living on the streets must have been stressful and terrifying. Ending up in that ward a few months back, I imagine for the 1st time under such circumstances, must have been shocking on a whole new level.

Here you are, having largely guided yourself through so many 1st time situations. Do you ever consider how such a lack of constructive guidance from others has been questionable? Were they too closed minded to guide you constructively? Were certain people too desensitised in the way of constructively guiding you, as an individual? Did you feel like just another person they had to deal with? I hate that feeling, it's a horrible feeling. It's something you can actually feel or sense in another. Sometimes it feels like you're adding them to the list of desensitised or insensitive people you've met in your life.

I'm glad you came here, where there are so many open minded and open hearted people. I hope you feel this on some level. Open minded and open hearted people are what you should have started life with and met with the whole way through up 'til now.

Waking up to discover you're someone who's deserved better, someone who's a survivor, someone who's felt the depths of despair and someone who's always worked so hard to find a difference beyond hopelessness is like waking up to find the truth of who you are. Perhaps the added truth is...you're someone outside the square who cannot tolerate the pain that comes with settling inside of it. It's amazing how so many try so hard to settle.