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pain limit
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Hello!
Just looking for any advice or success stories. I'm really at my limit with 10 years of depression. I just don't believe there's any coming back from this. It would take years for me to get anywhere near back to normal. Brief summary. 23yr old male, I have a panic disorder and depression. I had a full blown mental breakdown in 2017(19 years old) after years of depression/suicide from pornography problems/sexual dysfunction. As well as abusive parents and an anxiety disorder. Woke up 2017 one day at uni thought I was having a heart attack. kept happening everyday for months. Still get constant chest pain all day. Got told I have a panic disorder. Avoiding work, eating, showering because I thought it would trigger panic attack and kill me. 2019, managed to recover after months of exercise pushing through chest pain. Then I got a chest infection and had problems for 6 months. Chest pain came back, back to zero. Stuck inside 80% of the time since 2019 with headaches, chest pain. Muscle wasting, weight loss. Burned out on internet, tv, games. Insane. Had a suicide attempt, somehow survived. Done psychology, psychiatry, mental wards. I'm waiting for NDIS. Was homeless for a year. I've lost 10 years of my life effectively, massive depression separate of panic. 23 years old now. I can't see anyway out of this. I'm seeing a pscyhologist currently but I don't believe them, nothing works. My biggest mistake was not telling anyone 10 years ago.
I know that might be a lot but any help would be appreciated
Thanks
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Hey Sentient,
Thanks for joining us here on the Beyond blue forums,
We're sorry to hear of your long history of battling depression. We hope some of our members reach out to you tonight and over the next couple of days to share their stories and experiences. We know many of our members will be able to relate to your story and will have words of wisdom to help support you.
It sounds as though you have already been through so much hardship in your life and this must be a massive weight to carry. If you feel that it would be beneficial to you to talk through your feelings with a counsellor, please, contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some short-term support but also provide you with advice for more ongoing care.
If you don't have much support where you're at, we'd suggest joining some local support groups. You can find information on support groups is available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/
We hope to hear more from you Sentient.
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Hi, welcome
It might seem no one can help you, but you are helping yourself right now by reaching out so, I'll post what I think has the potential to get you back into a fruitful stable life. I must say, it takes some work, study, watching some youtube videos and exercises. Run with that and it can help. I'm 65yo and ventured into my own mix of remedies from 1987 onwards after panic attacks, anxiety, constant depression (dysthymia) and diagnosed in 2009 with bipolar.
A mix of things does help. Here it is
- Every night before sleeping muscle tensioning exercises while in bed. Tension up one muscle at a time starting at the feet for 15 seconds then all your muscles at once for 30 seconds. Slows the heart rate and relaxes you.
- Positive thinking pursuits. Attend lectures, read up on how to change your way of thinking. (not saying you dont but any boost in positive thinking is good).
- Rid your life of negative or toxic people even relatives.
- Find a passion be it stamps, jigsaws, models, hobbies.
- Find a sport even as a supporter
- Watch youtube videos on motivation. I follow - Prem Rawat Maharaji. Google him on youtube. My fav's are - Sunset, the perfect instrument and Appreciate. Seriously, he has changed my life.
- Dont be afraid of changing therapists. It's your health.
- Diet, a good balanced one, no alcohol
- 1,2,5 and 10 year goals
- Read the following threads - you only need to read the first post of each. We have an enormous library here starting with key words on search bar.
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/meditation---words-of-wisdom---it-helped-me-for-25-years
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/depression/depression-a-ship-on-the-high-seas
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/negatives-to-positives
Reply anytime in those threads or here. Feel free here, Im here nearly daily and others might post.
TonyWK
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HI Sentient
I read your post and I can see that you have had some great support from both Sophie_M as well as TonyWK but I could not help but to respond also as even though your post is heartbreaking to read with your struggle and pain, there is also some hope and some great things you said, so I wanted to ensure you could see that too.
Oh and welcome to the forum!
I wanted to acknowledge first about what you said about not telling anyone 10 years ago about how you were feeling and what was going on for you. This is a huge positive in that you can see hope, that you do consider speaking and sharing a path to wellness and that is so very true and I am so proud you have done that here today. Even if one thing that someone says here gives you some direction or some light to see that there is a path that leads to a better you. It may not be the "normal" you that you referred to at the start of your post, but you know what, that is totally fine. As even those who don't have mental health issue to battle are rarely the same person they were 10 years ago, we go through life experiences and through growth so it may be just fine that the "sentient" of 10 years ago is a different person now too. Someone who wants to reach out and to get some support and to address these daily issues you face.
I have no idea how it would feel to go through what you have, with panic attacks as well as daily depression and mostly to have made an attempt on your life. Can I say though that these events do not define you and are not who you are. I am so proud you have got some help from a psychologist and I hope that you have found a connection with that person, if not it is perfectly fine to keep trying until you do find that golden connection that will start you on your path to finding you.
You have a very clear understanding of what has been going on for you and can communicate it so very well, I think this too is a huge positive in that you can identify the hurdles, the feelings, the things you have done and what has made a small difference or maybe no difference at all.
There is a way out of this Sentient, there is hope and there is brighter tomorrow, it takes time and this is frustrating but with a team on your side, with talking and trying new things that your Doctors recommend there is hope.
I am wondering if even just dumping all this here has made you feel somewhat different today?
I hope to chat some more to you.
I am really proud of you.
Hugs
Sarah
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Thank you for sharing what you have here Sentient. I can hear how hard this is for you and I am hoping you continue to share here.
I will try as best as I can to support you through this time, I am no expert but a person who cares, so I will do my best.
You are right, 10 years is a long time to be battling this and I can see how you would feel ripped off even, that you have perhaps missed your high school years and good times had amongst those years, that is a lot to carry.
I can also understand at how hard it would be to bring up issues around porn and around sex as a teen and perhaps even more so being in a Catholic School environment. I am just so sorry that the false and hugely inaccurate world of porn has impacted your life and your mental health to a point it took you to consider and trying to end your life, that is devastating to me to read so I can only imagine how hard it is for you.
I hope you can find the strength and the healing you so deserve to be able to have a healthy relationship with both yourself sexually and with a partner. It will take time but with work and with being kind to yourself and knowing you are worthy of love and you deserve love and one day you will be capable of being able to share yourself with another.
I hear you say that you are expecting it to take 5 years for you to be “normal” or to be in a space where you can feel better about you. I am wondering if this is something your doctor has suggested or if it is a number that you feel sounds about right for your journey. The reason I ask that is sometimes time lines and expectations of time create more limitations than they do healing. What is to say you cannot be hugely improved by this time next year even? How do we know how well you may respond to the right treatment for you. Timelines can also create pressure to be making improvements that will actually take as long as they take.. both longer and shorter.
I was so beyond happy to read that you are still trying each day to work and to get through each day and this is awesome. Your determination to try is wonderful and I think you are stronger than you know.
I am not sure what to say about your feelings on your“failed suicide attempt”. That you feel stupid. I can say one thing though and that is”thank God you are still here”. On behalf of your loved ones.. thank God.
Right now things seems so much and like they can never get better. For every moment you are trying that is one step forward. There is brightness.
hugs
Sarah
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The very good part about this site is its 24/7/365, open everysecond of every day apart from maintenance. That means no waiting for psych appointments weeks away. The boundaries of this site however is that you are chatting to fellow sufferers of some form of mental illness. Their experiences give us a great platform by which we can draw from to help at least guide you based on such history. It is limited but it can be extremely comforting.
We have champions and non champions alike that have gone through the most extreme set of circumstances to come out the other side very confident and they in turn pass onto troubled members their successful techniques.
As I eluded in my first post the answer might lay in a mix of techniques that others suggest so you'll find your own list of remedies. "The prime of your life" ...well for me my prime is my 60's, I'm having a ball as I've finally got my illnesses under some level of control. That meaning I have many good days and a few unannounced bad days. It used to be the other way around.
So, no promises but stick with us and guarantee you will at least pick up some tips.
In terms of sexual difficulties and treatment I'd say it best to continue on with professional persons that know that hardship. It's pleasing you are so honest about it too.
I look back on my one and only attempt in 1996 one week before I left my then narcissistic first wife. I was looking at leaving her and therefore my two young daughters. What a difficult thing to do. But here I am 25 years later and my daughter is 32yo now and a delight. She is visiting here today from Melbourne (with permit) and we havent seen her for over one year. Anyway, life can be fantastic most days once you have endured the effort to read and connect with us and slowly go through those bad days in conversation to make the slightest improvement in mood/depression/anxiety.
TonyWK
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Hi Sentient,
It sounds like you're at a place where you're letting everything off of your chest and want to move forward, which is incredible. No one should be expected to suffer in silence. Your depression and panic disorder has clearly affected and is still affecting every facet of your life - it's so critical to reach out and it's amazing that you are.
I think if you're losing faith in your psychologist or don't necessarily believe in it, please let them know. As hard as it may seem, you aren't the only one to feel this, and it'll do neither you or your psychologist any benefit if you don't be honest with how you're feeling about it - their job is to help you, and as hard as it is, we often have to help them to do that - you're working as a team here. If the advice they're giving you isn't working, you don't feel like they understand you well enough, whatever it may be, you shouldn't have to feel like it should be brushed to the side. If you think that you're losing faith in therapy because of the specific one you're seeing, it would be worth considering finding a new one - this is often part of the process to find someone you're more compatible with.
I really hope that you don't completely give up on therapy or the idea of helping yourself.. I know that you feel like a lot of your life has been wasted, and a lot of this is from things that are out of your control. I think it's important for you in your life right now to realise that all you have is the present moment and the future, and you do have control. The 'social clock', milestones and life points don't matter - school will always be there, you will meet the right person, there will always be a job out there, but your mental health comes first. After 10 years of enduring it, it's time for you to start feeling better, and I think everyone here can agree with that.
I hope you come to understand and accept that your described 'failures' are from mental health challenges that have been pushed aside for 10 years.. you weren't lazy, you didn't choose to 'fail', your health wasn't at a level that could allow you to perform academically, create and maintain relationships, and so on. You should feel no shame.
I hope I was of help in some way, I'm wishing you the best. We'd love to hear from you.
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Hi Sentient,
Wellcome to our forums!
Sorry you are feeling this way it must be difficult for you…..
You CAN come back from this! You CAN! Please know you aren't alone ….. many people suffer with mental health conditions…….
I had severe anxiety OCD I had this condition severely…… I felt like I was living in an internal hell…… I wouldn’t have wished my condition on anyone! I have now recovered from this condition 4 years going strong…. My recovery started from seeing my gp through to a clinical psychologist, psychiatrist this then led me to a OCD clinic that specialised in OCD…. I did an 8 week group therapy there…. This is were I learned to master my OCD….. I was taught many tools at this clinic ….. it took time and perseverance to practice the skills I was taught but I’m now free of the condition……. I feel re born again……
I understand our conditions are different but if I can recover then there is HOPE that you can aswell! You just need to find the correct help for you, if you feel the health professionals you are seeing don’t seem to suit you then find some new ones…… there is the correct help out there for you, you just need to be put on the right path…….
Would you go back to your gp to discuss your options for other health professionals?
We are all here on these forum to help you and support you….. please keep in touch and ask me any questions 😊
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It hit's so hard, I'll be in the middle of something, work/shops and the thought and feeling of the amount of time passed smacks. Takes you breathe away, like I want to end right then and there. spiraled into so much crazy stuff. My body is really damaged from being so sedentary, eating food is hard now, walking is hard. Being homeless messed up my sleep so bad I still don't feel the same, migraines so severe feel like I was never going back to normal. Mosquito's give me like ptsd now. Migraines felt like if I didn't breathe through it, I would snap and start hallucinating. Even a loud noise and I would be gone. I just don't believe there's a comeback. You can't fix everything, I don't think this is one of those things. I'm still trying, I made some progress a few years ago and got back to work. Then a chest infection. I'm by myself all the time, have to try and do all of this by myself outside of seeing psychologist once a fortnight for 30min. I ended up in a mental ward a few months ago after a police helicopter after me, they said it's gonna be great it's free. They just lock you in a unit for days, not very helpful. It doesn't end there still more crazy stories. I nearly died one time in hospital. I'm still trying but there's been no relief for so long. You can't fix everything. 10 years just feels crushing long, that's a death sentence I don't believe it. No one has good answers. All very vague, I still appreciate the gesture though. I'm still trying. Thanks for your responses.
I really hope people realise pornography is really not good for your 12 year old to sit on everyday after school.
