I’m 24 years old. I’m in the final months of my degree at uni. And for a long time I’ve felt like I’ve been running out of time.
There was a letter I read by Hunter S. Thompson 4 years ago where he said that a man has to BE something; he has to matter. I’ve thought about that letter for years trying to figure myself out, trying to figure out why I’ve been unhappy for as long as I can remember.
He was writing to a friend of his who seemed to be going through something like what I am now. Thompson told him that people make the decision to either float with the tide or swim for a goal. At that time I felt like I was in the ocean with no land in any direction, just trying to keep my head above water. I spent year floating with the tide after I finished school. I figured that was ok, I was only 20 or so and had time to figure it all out. So I travelled, I worked, hoping I would find something.
When I was 21 I started studying my degree. I decided to start swimming for a goal. And now here I am at the end of my degree and still feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean. It’s hard to be happy.
I feel like something went wrong in my development as well, because I can’t form bonds with people. I’m lonely. And I never seem to find people who really fit with me, and of the few people are are interested in me I have no interest in. I’ve lacked emotional intimacy my whole life. Even when I was a kid my parents were distant with me. So now I don’t feel capable of crossing those lines to open up to people in any way. Physical, emotional. I just don’t have it in me.
I don’t know what I’ll do next year. I have no idea how I can start to live life. To go to work every day, a constant inescapable routine of work. Days blending together. The things people do then use alcohol each weekend to cope with it. None of this is right.
Honestly at some point I’m concerned that trying to keep my head up in this ocean will just be too much. I’ll get too tired and eventually stop kicking.
I don’t feel like I’m the right person to be living my life. I don’t have the ability to do what everyone else does. I haven’t been happy in at least 7 years. I lost something along the way.
I don’t see what the point of any of this was. Guess I don’t have anyone in my life I could say this to.
