Hi Rob71
My heart goes out to you as you desperately seek a constructive way forward, a way that works for you and those around you.
I can relate to the drinking aspect. As a 55yo gal who partially drank my way through my late teens, 20s and early 30s, I get it. Alcohol is something that turns the dial down on challenging emotions and turns it up, in some cases, on the more desired emotions. I found this definitely had a down side on a couple of counts. 1)It stopped me from feeling the emotions that were actually trying to drive me to work things out and 2)it led me to face the depressing and stressful aftermath of what I'd do in my 'happy place' (aka 'drinking state' or 'altered state of reality').
Speak to just about any ex drinker, myself included, and they'll tell you pretty much the same thing. All the skills and abilities that certain emotions are driving you to develop don't get developed while you're drinking. So, when you stop drinking, it's like BAMM in your face, you gotta finally develop them as a sober person (otherwise you're going to suffer through a lack of them). Another factor can involve all those emotions that have been trying to tell you something all along. You're now forced to listen while making greater sense of them. Btw, a whole other challenge on it's own can involve mastering inner dialogue. And, yes, some of that inner dialogue is absolute BS. Taking some of this into account, I'll throw a scenario out there...
Imagine you've got this little 'voice' in your head telling you 'You're the man of the house. It's your responsibility to make sure the money's coming in, all the maintenance work around the house gets done, everyone's looked after etc etc and if you fail to do this, you're a failure'. Rob, that's absolute BS. Truth is...it's partly your responsibility to make sure the money's being managed, everyone who is capable of maintaining the house should maintain it and everyone is responsible for looking after everyone else in different ways and on different levels'. Developing the skill of 'delegation' may be what's required or the skill of 'redefining roles and responsibilities in the household'. Yes, there'll be some angry people in the house that may say 'That's not my job' or 'I shouldn't have to do that' but, hey, some things are worth fighting for (including taking the weight of the world off your shoulders). Or if you're used to paying out everything you earn to cover all the kids' extra circular activities and the bills, the skill of 'being constructively self serving' may sound like your cup of tea. That may sound like 'I can't keep doing this, pleasing everyone except myself. Let's see what can be sacrificed so that I can afford to pay for a well earned massage at least once a month (something to look forward to)'. Our muscular system can store so much stress. Better out than in. If some little 'voice' in your head says 'You can't do that', challenge it with 'Why not? I'm fully entitled to some stress relief'.
Rob, it sounds like you have a massive amount of pressure on you. Everyone has their tipping point. It sounds like you can feel yours. From my own experience with that tipping point, there's no choice but to address it and find a sense of balance, so as to tip things back a little and feel the relief. Is this something you can speak to your partner about?
