Over sensitive to criticism from people I know

Annabel · ‎22-09-2016

I decided to post how I feel because I know that my Anxiety is much worse then ever at the moment and I know it's been triggered by my work place. I work in a Government department and I've noticed the gradual decline of Staff levels over the last 10 years and we are working much harder now then ever. I have always been a reliable worker and never complain about my busy days and I work part time, 3 days a week. At work, I just kept on doing the harder Client service jobs but over the last month, I've noticed that I have not as much energy at work and when I get home I haven't got any energy left at all and my husband then just gets the dinner ready and thinks that I'm being lazy. Last Wednesday, I burst into tears to my Manager and said "I've had enough of this place, I can't stand that there are slackers here and I do their work for them when they ignore the counter and they don't give much support back." I told her this place is making me depressed and sad and then I realised that explains why I'm so tired all the time too! I already suffer from Anxiety and not only do I get the buttleflies in my stomach but also now for work related depression! I feel more sensitive then ever to other people's comments or criticism. I especially feel hurt from someone I know, eg. A Teacher shrugged me off with a comment about how she is busy and can't think right now while I was telling her something quickly about my boy. Another eg. Last night my brother in law made a comment"Just go to the car!" as I was telling him something while walking out. I always feel when people I know do this to me, that it's unjust and unfair as I would never talk to them like that and I'm not rude. I see a Pyschologist and I have meditation breaks. I do Yoga 3-4 times a week which has helped my breathing. I know that it takes practice and consistency but I hope that when I do get off guard by People, I won't feel the butterflies and hurt and I'll stop dwelling on those conversations! Fortunately, my Manager understands that I have anxiety and mild depression now and will put me less at the client service counter. I know that as I'm doing it all naturally without medication it's tough navigating through life with other people and their criticism and shrugging off rude attitudes but I will have times to myself where I will do my yoga or see a movie which is a great diversion from these people that are in my life! Thankyou. I hope there's other similar stories out there maybe?

Annabel

Starwolf · ‎06-10-2016

Hi Annabel,

Not responding while under unjust attack is difficult. Depending on circumstances, it can sometimes be necessary...though I'm still proud of you for standing up for yourself. It sounds like your husband feels threatened by your show of confidence and perhaps also by other people's interest in your ideas. Perhaps he'd rather be in charge and the center of attention ?

This negative experience has shed light on something you may be up against. So it does have a positive side. You gave it a good shot but he may not be prepared to admit (even to himself) that you had a strong point. In which case, avoiding provocation may be a good idea. You can't make people admit whatever they're not prepared to acknowledge. When involved in a losing battle, timely withdrawal is a courageous and wise move. Was his response a one off ? (May be he was just having a bad day and lashed out). If his domineering attitude is a habit, if peace only depends on you assuming a submissive role, the nature of the relationship may have to be reconsidered. Food for thought ?

If face to face communication is difficult and will only result in emotional outbursts, expressing your feelings in a thoughtful letter may help. It can be written, edited, read and re read at leisure and minus confrontation. Problems naturally arise in every relationship but they can only be resolved if both sides are heard and if both take responsibility for healing the rift. I hope you can both get to the bottom of this in a calm and loving manner.

Annabel · ‎07-10-2016

Thank you Starwolf, Depression took over me yesterday all day because of that sudden upsetting incident. I get so depressed when I'm caught off guard with other people! It's usually I'm stuck in a room or somewhere I have to be due to my life obligations. My husband, his brother and their Mother have the same personality, they get moody and cranky with me if they're tired or not entirely agree with me and all I'm doing is giving my oppinion on a subject we're talking about! On Wednesday nights, we're all tired but I'm also tired and I have a long journey to work into the city. Yesterday, when my husband came home I had my ear plugs in my ear with classical music playing as this was a strategy I used so I could cook dinner in peace and give me a distraction from the depression. I was breathless all day long even when I was sitting still, I felt drained so I did easier tasks with my children and just did the jobs I needed to do. I decided I'm not going to be submissive with my husband and will just ignore him because I'd just be living a lie and he would keep doing it. I know I can't change people's personalities and I just have to use strategies like what you've told me to do, breathing and meditation on my good days to prepare me for when I'm with these types of personalities and it is like preparing and practicing for a sports game! Thankyou for that advice! Starwolf you mentioned that you had crippling Anxiety and did your Anxiety go away or calm down because of the Breathing and meditation? did you do anything additional? I think to myself I may need medication but I've had Anti-depressants in the past and I had awful side effects. I have a Pyschologist appointment next week so I will give her my update as well and I Thank Beyond Blue again! The symptoms of my depression is I will feel it horribly for 1 or 2 days in a row and I'm absolutely breathless! My husband offered an apology for upsetting me and this was late yesterday afternoon, a day late but it gave me a lot of relief! I feel like I'm wearing a Mask today and it's still there and then that Mask can fall off when I've been hit out of the blue by someone's unkind or critical remark. I need to sort it out now as having both Depression and Anxiety is physically draining and emotionally painful together! I just have trickles of butterflies in my stomach today which are my normal thing so I'll do a class at the Gym today to get the endorphins going! I'll try anything that's healthy! Annabel xx

Starwolf · ‎07-10-2016

Hi Annabel,

You are right, anxiety is tough on your heart rate and blood pressure. So you are doing the right thing by focusing on a healthy lifestyle to compensate.

It is a relief that your husband has decided to apologize. Good on him for acknowledging he made a mistake.

We're all different so need a different approach to recovery. Some of us go it medication free but others will do best with it. Sometimes a tendency towards mental illness can be inherited but it can also be triggered by specific events or experiences in our life. No amount of soul searching can fix chemical imbalance...but it can pinpoint a cause and its effects and so unravel mental/emotional knots and tangles. There's no one size fits all therapy.

These days, anxiety is just another bad memory (how could we forget ?). I have found the practice of mindfulness in everyday life to be an excellent tool. So is getting the mind involved in games to change its focus. Like for example setting it in search of beauty in direct surroundings. With persistent practice, the mind becomes aware of its own activity and will pick up and delete a negative thought as it arises...not after an emotional reaction has been triggered. Anxiety is an emotional over reaction. Generally speaking, it is all about regaining control of what is supposed to be OUR mind, instead of letting it run loose in unwanted directions and being dragged along. Being a meditator yourself, you can understand what I am getting at...

As mentioned before, this can only work by gradually exercising control over it when all is well. The same process as building strength in seldom used muscles. Where the mind is concerned, habit will help create a new pattern, to the point where a learned response (as opposed to involuntary reaction) can in time become automatic. Being stubborn as a Spanish mule does help 🙂

Wishing you a peaceful day.

Annabel · ‎26-12-2016

Hello again, I need to share with you a little emotional struggle I'm still dealing with and always have painful feelings and reactions from close famiy members and it's always one of my inlaws! This time it's my Mother in law who always makes a comment about my parenting skills or about my children's needs that she doesn't agree with. I know straight away, the reason she's like this. It's a different generation with different ideas! I won't go into the full details but the other night she made 1 of her coments which I believe is inappropriate and instead of "biting my tongue" which I always do with her, I felt the Anxiety pains in my stomach and immediately explained to her my reason. I then made the massive mistake of quietly calling her a name, only because I was hurt and sick of hearing these disaproving comments and I had tears in my eyes as I said it, Anyway my sister in law was looking straight at me across the noisy lounge room, she overheard it and pulled me aside and said I don't like you calling her names as she is my Mother! I immediately apologised and told her I have touble with my emotions and I don't think she's what I said at all but my sister in law was hurt and I immediately went from victim to Perpretrator in a split second! I then felt more hurt and had pins and needles sensations all over my body and my typical shallow breathing came back! I think with all my mindfulness meditation, my healthy eating, my yoga and exercise, Gosh it can all be wasted on that incorrect reaction and word I called her! I feel that I need to just "bite my tongue" with the Mother in law and it's sure hard to do! "Keeping my radar up" will be the way to go for now on because my Anxiety did not go away for 2 days and I'm now at the stage of just thinking about it and I was the one who got hurt in the first place! I‘m always polite, well-mannered, fun to be around and careful not to offend people but it happens to me and then I end up offending them when I "don't bite my tongue"! Thankyou again Beyond Blue! xo Annabel

pipsy · ‎26-12-2016

Hi Annabel. It might perhaps be an idea to start trying to ease off with visiting in-laws for the time being. Trying to keep the peace and be the 'yes' girl can be tiresome and emotionally draining. I had similar problems with my ex and his parents. I think you should maybe start telling your hubby you are tired, or working on a project that needs some focus. To constantly be 'told off' in front of anyone is inappropriate and after a while, you will start questioning everything. My ex MIL questioned everything and my ex stood back and allowed her and his father to abuse me freely. I eventually left my ex last year, after 25 years of emotional abuse. I also had my ex sister in-law berating me for asserting my right to defend myself. No-one has the right to abuse, berate or put another person down. If you wish to remain with your hubby, I suggest you get in touch with relationships Australia and ask for guidance on communicating your rights as an individual. You have the right to defend yourself without being berated. Perhaps BB can put you in touch with a counselor who will also guide and support you in this. Your MIL should respect your rights as a mother and wait till she's asked for guidance.

Lynda

Starwolf · ‎26-12-2016

Hi Annabel,

It is true that feeling hurt can trigger an unguarded moment we regret later. It happens to all of us. However, there is a difference between calmly standing for yourself and calling an offender names. The first will help people figure they've passed boundaries, the other makes you appear "bad" and automatically turns the tables against you.

There's a need to stand up to those who are trespassing on our territory and ask them to leave our "ill-managed" life to us. This life wasn't given to you to be lived by proxy, according to someone else's expectations. The more calmly but firmly it is done, the more efficient it will be. It is true that some people will not take no for an answer. Some are immune to embracing a different perspective and to change. They're best ignored, which is always preferable to bashing one's head against someone else's brick wall !

Biting your tongue is repression and in the long term, repression doesn't work. It often results in unexpected lashing out. Allowing yourself to stick to your guns with cold, unflappable politeness is the way to go. It will command more respect than being seen as "losing it". And you will find it way more satisfying than repressing justified feelings.

Best wishes for a peaceful festive season.