Over myself

[jenms]

I have only just joined BB online. Talking face to face with absolutely anybody...professional, friend, family just makes me cry non stop and not feel any better in fact i feel worse. Thought i could try this to 'vent' without being readily judged (which happens all the time). People don't get it and i understand why they don't get it but that doesn't help. I have been in what i call 'robot mode' for years to be honest. Get up, work, finish, eat, bed, occasionally go out, keep the 'actress' face on. I am getting lower and lower and lower. Logically i know some of the things that i need to do to feel better but it is so hard to push myself to do them. Ironically in the past i have felt better when i have gone for a walk or done some yoga or similar but i just can't seem to even force myself out of the house at the moment. Sooooooooo over myself.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi jenms

We're glad you're here to share. I imagine a lot of people can relate to the difficulty of finding people in our lives that truly understand. For me personally, that's why I like to come here. I can give and get support, find people that are having a similar experience, and give and get tips on things that help.

I did read something this morning that said that motivation comes after action. So that's like you describe - feeling better once you're doing it or have done it. The suggestion was to then come home and immediately journal about it. This helps "set it" in our mind. I haven't tried the journalling bit, having only read it this morning, but like you I struggle with motivation, but always feel good once I do something, so I'm going to give it a go.

Anyway, I'm really sorry you're struggling. Keep chatting here, it's a great community with plenty of wonderful people.

Katy

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear jenm,

Welcome to our forums...

Motivation is so hard when depression finds us..and it takes a lot of hard work for us to go against what depression is doing to us...

I can relate to your robot mode...I have their before when I worked....and now I’m not working I feel again I’m in robot mode...Get up...snot knowing what to do..and counting the hours until bedtime....it’s a vicious circle..

What helped me when I was working and if I got home before my husband...I would make a cup of coffee and sit outside to try to connect to nature ..listening to the birds, feeling the sun on me...I feel that we should get outside on our own to download ourselves from the constant hassle and bustle of every day living and to help us fight depression...because it’s our everyday routines that I feel adds to our depression....

I agree with Katey...once we can start to do something for ourselves..ie walking, yoga, or exercise..it does help our motivation some....

I hope you are okay and please know that you can talk here anytime you feel up to it...Many people with depression find motivation a very hard thing to overcome..

!y kindest thoughts dear jenm, with my care..

Grandy...

[jenms]

Hi Katy, Thanks for acknowledging my existence because so often i just feel invisible. i am good at my job and ironically the feedback from my clients is what gets me through the day. Normally people who work in customer service say the opposite but that is how it is for me. I have a best friend visiting from interstate in a few weeks and a small group of us are meant to be going out for lunch. I had already started working on an excuse to not go. Maybe i can make that my 'one thing' (at a time!) to try and get me out of the house. Thanks again for listening and understanding.

[therising]

Hi jenms

I feel for you so much as you face the challenge of finding yourself. You mention acting in all the ways others prefer you do but have you ever wondered how you could naturally act as yourself? A strange question perhaps but do you know who you naturally are?

This may sound a little questionable but, at 50, it wasn't until the last couple of years that I discovered the natural 'intolerant b**ch' in myself. I had no idea 'til then that I had this in me, having been a people pleaser most of my life. During my years in depression, if someone said to me 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up' it would really bring me down, leaving me feeling incredibly low and defective. If someone says to me nowadays 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up', my response 'Damn right I'm sensitive. Actually, I'm sensitive enough to feel your insensitivity. What the heck is wrong with you?' The challenge in discovering the natural B in you involves developing a filter 🙂 By the way, being yourself will inevitably trigger people. You gotta be prepared to trigger people.

I'm wondering if you can pick what other people label as your 'faults' and actually see them as abilities:

• 'You're too sensitive'. Do you hold the ability to sense degradation, being shut down, the right kind of inspiration, a lack of a motive to get you moving and so on? The ability to sense these things gives you a compass, direction toward or away from people or things
• 'You over analyse/question too much'. Do you hold the ability to question everything that should be questioned? Do you ever question why others are so insensitive? Do you wonder why they are? Have you reached a conclusion? Have you ever thought 'Why is no one paying more attention to this or questioning that? Why am I the only one who sees something wrong here?'
• 'You're so detached'. Do you hold the ability to detach from what brings you down? While I've found this to be an incredibly helpful ability at times, it's positive impact is only felt when I attach myself to what raises me. Example: My husband likes to spend a lot of the time sitting in front of tv outside of work. He's not big on adventure or romance. While I used to let this bring me down, now I detach from this unfulfilling pastime. What I grab onto, in the process, may involve coming here or watching the kind of YouTube that feeds the mind and soul. In detaching I'm gaining something, a productive or loving channel in life

I imagine you have many abilities 🙂

[jenms]

OMG! You people actually 'get it'. I have spent 60 years not talking...when i was a kid i had parents that should never have been parents so i just held everything in. For the last 40 years talking face to face to people has just been a disaster for many many reasons. Being able to do this 'safely hidden' away is a huge thing but to get replies that clearly understand, i can tell you hand on heart, i have NEVER had before. I am still a basket case. Okay(ish) one minute, bawling my head off the next but thank you thank you THANK YOU for listening.

[therising]

Hi jenms

I'm so glad you feel the freedom to be you here. I believe one of the most liberating things in life involves re-membering your self, putting yourself back together after what feels like forever being dismembered by people.

• When you amaze yourself, based on the number of abilities you actually have, you have no choice but to realise you're amazing
• When you wonder so much about so many things in life, you have no choice but to realise you are full of wonder. You are wonderful
• When you begin to long for a difference, when you begin to imagine your potential, there is no choice but to see yourself as an imaginative adventurer. As a natural born adventurer, you begin to long for adding ventures to life, not repeating the same ones over and over. Repeating the same ventures can perhaps become intolerable. If you are sensitive enough you may feel the intolerance
• When you come to feel a numbness from all the people who have drained you over time or have 'sucked the life out of you', sometimes to the point where it's depressing, you come closer to the realisation - you long for excitement. You long to feel a lack of numbness. You long to feel the energy it takes to reconnect and you would do just about anything to find it. You begin to choose to become an excitement seeker, even if it's in small ways, with the occasional big excitements thrown into the mix perhaps

It can take so long to re-member our self, to put our self back together like a complex puzzle just waiting to be solved. When all the pieces come together, when the picture starts to become clearer, there is that moment where we have no choice but to say 'I had no idea this is who I am. I am incredible'.

Jenms, my wish for you is that you begin to see clearly how incredible you truly are.

🙂

[jenms]

Bad bad day today. I am working but just so flat and 'nothing'. I need to work for the distraction but struggling today.

[therising]

Hi Jenms

I feel for you. Anytime you want to talk, even if it involves a much needed vent, give yourself the freedom to come back here and do just that.

Anything in particular you can pick that might be bringing you down?

🙂

[jenms]

Most of the time it is nothing in particular and everything in general. I have an expression "it is what it is" but some days just seem waaaaay harder than others. Thanks for replying!