The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly challenging time in your life ❤️
You have to give yourself credit for making 2 significant steps, 1)becoming fully conscious of what you wish to change and 2)taking action to change it. Both steps can definitely be challenging in a lot of ways. I'm wondering whether the next step could involve redefining how you feel guilt. Personally, I used to suffer horribly through a sense of guilt. At times it could become deeply depressing, leading to an intolerable amount of self hatred. Then one day what came to mind was 'What is guilt asking you?'. Fair question. I found the answer to be 'Who do I want to be?'. You could say guilt is a signpost (of greater consciousness), at a fork in the road. It asks 'Do you want to be the person who continues to take this path or the person who takes that new path?'. I find when I take a new/different path, one that is constructive, the guilt diminishes. While some may say 'But what about the things you've done? Don't you feel guilty?', my response to that is 'That was my old self. My new self (the one that now takes this path) provides me with greater sense of self understanding, apologises for wrong doings, is upstanding in regard to responsibility and so on. I could take guilt with me on that new path but it will do nothing but weigh me down and lead me to suffer'. While all this sounds simple, it has been far from simple for me to have reached this point. While good in theory perhaps, being able to actually manage guilt can take a lot of practice. At times I will still feel guilt but I have come to accept it as an incredibly important part of my compass. Guilt helps me establish direction, especially with those forks in the road.
I can relate to how alcohol changes things. Alcohol tends to drown out the sage in me, the analyst in me, the logician, the highly responsible part of me and so much more. As a gal who used to drink a fair bit, one of the reasons I don't drink that much these days is based on me relying on my inner sage, inner analyst etc and especially the intuitive part of me. When it comes to gut feelings and all those other feelings that relate to intuition, if I'm drinking I can't feel a damn thing. While alcohol can be an exciting substance, for sure, I've found it can also be numbing in certain ways.
You are not a bad person, you are someone who's facing an incredible challenge which also holds highly addictive aspects. While pokies and online gambling have all those coulourful things flashing or coming up, all the bells and whistles and everything else that stimulates the brain and body, the dopamine hits that provide such highs can be incredibly addictive for someone who feels so low. I completely understand the absolute desperation of wanting and needing to feel highs when depression's a factor, I really do (based on experience). As you take this new path, which will challenge you to develop in so many new and incredible ways, be proud of yourself for having stepped onto it.
