Online friend is pushing everyone away and believes that his problems make him unworthy. I worry

[Branx]

Yo! I'm a young ~20 yo adult with little experience looking after others. Lemme explain my situation:

I met this guy (around 22 yrs old) through a video game. He has...lost family members...is struggling to make any money at all and has been used and betrayed by a girl before.

Me and another friend of mine (let's say person B) have been keeping him (person A) company...but recently person A confessed to having a crush on person B, who explained she already had a bf. He didn't...take it well, saying she was just using her like how another person had used him and thrown him aside in the past despite person B only being friendly and checking up on her. He then blocked her on everything before she could even talk it out with him.

When I asked him about it he said he's "seen 100s of girls ... [he knows] girl behaviour, her mindset, all things ... even [if] they are pretty, control your emotions, beauty will gone with time". He also says things like "she is good friend, I am not, that's all" and "I already ruin enough".

He has a job he hates, ever worsening physical condition (which...isn't being helped by all his thoughts), and thinks about suicide as an option more often than not.........
He leaves me on read a lot which I don't mind, but my main way of being there for others is talking things out. The times I do leave a msg it's usually something I've worked on for a bit like a song I sang or a drawing of a hug. In the past person A has been much more open to talking with person B, likely due to the crush he had on her, and often dismisses any other source of comfort or presence as if he doesn't deserve it...until the thing I mentioned above happened.
It's...hard when I've heard so many different things like "asking someone to live when you don't understand their suffering is selfish of you" (social media) "you should just leave him" (friend's mum) "if he doesn't want help don't offer it" (friend)...the thing is that even if I understand all these to some extent, I fear leaving him alone for too long will cause him to spiral again, I don't want to stop checking in because I want him to know he's not alone, I don't want to leave him because I...know if I was hurt I'd want people to stay.

I recognise this is all my own personal thoughts and opinions and that they can be flawed or biased. I was just...needing some place to talk about this (and I haven't given all the context either), and to ask about what I should and shouldn't do if anyone knows. Cheers Beyond Blue 🩵

[therising]

Hi Branx

It's almost impossible for such a deeply feeling thoughtful person to leave someone alone to suffer, especially when the sufferance is so great. This says a lot about you. For a sensitive person, they can sense someone else's needs and desperation for change or ease.

I think that sometimes it's easier to gradually open a person's mind rather than trying to force a change in the way they think. For example, we might say to someone 'Not all attractive females are the same', which is trying to change their mind. On the other hand, we could say 'When you consider this person and that person who are incredibly attractive (appearance wise), what do you think makes them more compassionate, conscious and caring, compared to a lot of other attractive girls? Do you think it's perhaps based on them being more mature or maybe it's the way they're raised or maybe they're just more sensitive?' etc etc. When the mind begins to open, it can naturally change without being forced. In opening a person's mind, you could then say 'What kind of person do you really feel person B is, now that you have a greater sense of different natures?'. Sometimes if we're unable to open a person's mind, it becomes about directing them toward people who are able to, such as a counselor, therapist, some of the folk on the forums here (who are coming from personal experience), a person who's proven to have been a good guide in their life in the past and so on. Whether it involves physical wellbeing and challenges, mental wellbeing and challenges or even the more soulful stuff, there's someone for everything. Whether it's professional guidance and support that's needed or guidance and support coming from those who've found what works and what doesn't through personal experience, again there's someone for everything. 

When it comes to other people's non responsiveness in us trying to help, I believe the most important thing involves letting them know that the lines of communication are always open. While they may not choose to communicate now, they're free to connect any time they need to. How we let someone know that can sometimes depend on them. If they're the kind of person who only communicates their upset when feeling desperate, we could say 'If you ever find yourself feeling desperate to speak to someone, remember I'm here'. If they only communicate their upset when they're feeling everything so intensely, that could sound more like 'If ever you have the need to vent how you're feeling everything, remember I'm here'. Maybe it's only when they're feeling completely lost in life: 'If you're ever feeling completely lost in life, I'm here. We'll somehow find the way forward together'. Sometimes it can help to remind a person 'You have got to be more patient, kind and compassionate toward yourself as you face one of the hardest times in your life'. A person can be so lacking in feeling for themself what we feel for them...patience, kindness and compassion.

[Scared]

Caring is such a wonderful quality to have and you are Gold.

But while caring for another is Golden it it loses value when you stop caring for yourself.  What I am trying to say is when caring for someone starts to affect you negatively then you must stop and weigh up if the person is worth my health or not.  Having Empathy for someone is such a healthy quality but it comes with self care guidelines.  In short caring for someone ( empathy ) does not mean giving all of your emotions to it that it sucks you dry. Empathy means keeping a safe emotional distance so you are not dragged into their same turmoil.

For eg you sound like such a lovely person and I want to help keep you safe so I write to you.  But I keep distance from you because I know you have a adult in your life and I dont need to worry about you.

Or if online friend was bringing me down I would say something like " All this is getting too heavy for me and I need to take a break for a little while and gather my thoughts and will be back soon ".

You are not responsible for your online friend.  He is responsible for himself.

Sometimes we need to let go of people we want to help and that is not failure.

Failure is going beyond empathy and allowing yourself to get sick due to someones problems.

The world needs to protect good people like you and good people need to take care themselves so you can stay helping those in your life.