One Year

[hannalogy]

Tomorrow is one year since I decided to end my life. Obviously that didn't happen... I feel this weird mixture of really sad but also really thankful and... and something. I don't really know how to feel. I want to talk about it. I have hope now, I believe things are heading in a direction that is good. I feel thankful for that. I feel thankful for those friends who were with me when I wanted to end it. I feel embarrassed when I think of talking to my fiancee about it.. Like I could never explain it well enough. I feel like I'm not supposed to or allowed to talk about it with those close to me - what would I be trying to gain from talking to them about it anyway? Attention? I just want to not feel alone in it.. I want to say to someone 'Hey, this happened. I actually feel really sad about it today. This is what happened.. This is what happened next. Now I'm here.' and to feel heard and loved in that.

Sorry.. uhh.. How have other people gotten through these kinds of days? Was it a time of reflection? How did you feel?

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[HelenM]

Hi,

For me the 1st anniversary of my suiccide attempt loomed scarily. Although I was a lot better I was scared. My support worker suggested I go away for the day which I did and it helped a great deal. For a number of years I found the anniversary difficult but most years I handle it okay now.

I hope yours passed by ok. It becomes another part of your life eventually.

Helen

[hannalogy]

Hey  Carmen Lisa - "I think I do feel shame and embarrassment, and then I start thinking about how I felt as if for someI reason I need to convince myself of the intensity and the seriousness of how I felt and responded."

Yeah I can relate to that thing of needing to convince yourself.. .

This is a different thing but you've got me thinking..  for me it's like I feel as though my pain is illegitimate/not real/not actually happening or something.. and I have this little unconscious checklist in my mind as to the things that 'prove' that it's real.  And some of the things on that checklist are not the most helpful.

Anyway.. Yes heh it's like analogy.. I was just thinking about how often I (and other people) rely on analogy and metaphor when they talk about their experiences of depression and etc.. It seemed a fitting name for a place to talk about such things.   

 I'm glad to hear you're handling the anniversary better Helen