One Year

[hannalogy]

Tomorrow is one year since I decided to end my life. Obviously that didn't happen... I feel this weird mixture of really sad but also really thankful and... and something. I don't really know how to feel. I want to talk about it. I have hope now, I believe things are heading in a direction that is good. I feel thankful for that. I feel thankful for those friends who were with me when I wanted to end it. I feel embarrassed when I think of talking to my fiancee about it.. Like I could never explain it well enough. I feel like I'm not supposed to or allowed to talk about it with those close to me - what would I be trying to gain from talking to them about it anyway? Attention? I just want to not feel alone in it.. I want to say to someone 'Hey, this happened. I actually feel really sad about it today. This is what happened.. This is what happened next. Now I'm here.' and to feel heard and loved in that.

Sorry.. uhh.. How have other people gotten through these kinds of days? Was it a time of reflection? How did you feel?

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.  

[Billy66]

Hi Hannalogy

I understand what you are saying. I felt the same way after I made the same decision. Unfortunately at the time I had no support and spent a long time in hospital. I have tried to talk to people about it but the overwhelming feelings are hard ti describe especially to people you love. telling them why you wanted to leave them forever could cause them to be angry with you and confused. you said you have a fiancé- has he been supportive. I dont think those people closest to you would see your attempt as attention seeking and if you explained it to them they might see it a call for help. Its good that you are now seeing positive things in life and moving forward. Sharing yor feelings on here I have found to be very helpful as so many people have been through and felt the same way. I would like to explain further how I feel like you but my post probably wouldn't be allowed. 

Just know you aren't alone

Bill66

[PatT]

Hi Hannalogy,

I tried to end my life about 10 months ago. Fortunately for me there were a number of people who were present and I didn't go through with it but the burning desire to talk about it is always a theme. So few people know and I would assume many wouldn't believe me if I told them. I feel it's completely necessary to be able to share such stories with the right people because they simply need to know how low we can sink/have sunk. 

Unfortunately there still exists a degree of stigma around suicide talk and most mental health topics for that matter. Many people don't know how to react to something they've never experienced themselves yet most will still be able to empathise. Yet you should also tell the same people how positive your life is now in comparison. We need to get things like this off our chest but we don't want to make others worry or come off in a negative light so I'd advise speaking to some people about it but choosing your audience pretty selectively.

Hope you can find some relief in sharing and good stuff for coming to beyondblue,

all the best,

Pat.

[Narniakid]

Hey there hannalogy!

I hear where you're coming from - just this week was my one year anniversary since I last self harmed. I used to be ashamed of my illness and my addiction to self harm, however after overcoming it, I have decided that there is absolutely nothing wrong with talking about it - to mark the one year clean, I got a tattoo, and openly shared my story for the first time on Facebook to my 1500 friends. The positive response was overwhelming, and I was flooded with messages of support. I think the talking about the topic of suicide and depression, and those kinds of really heavy things, take practice - opening up is scary, but almost 95% of the time, people will be supportive of you, and those that aren't, aren't even worth having around anyway.

Coming onto these forums is an excellent resource for you to share your achievements knowing that we have all experienced similar journeys. However, I also think it's important for you to open up about it to your fiancée in exactly the way you've described "this is what happened, this is how I feel about it, but I've managed to bounce back and here I am stronger than ever!" 

Remember that as long as you are feeling them, your feelings are ALWAYS valid. Don't be afraid to speak up.

Crystal

[geoff]

dear Hannalogy, hello and thanks for joining the forum.

For any of us to lose a person we know or related to, is questionable not what we would ever want, but what it does is that it's something we never forget, and it's up to you to decide on whether or not to tell your finance.

There are two sides for this, 1. is that we are not being completely honest or open about what has gone on, and to be prepared in case a friend may open their mouth especially when they have been drinking, which will cause your finance/wife to be very upset for you not telling her, 2. and that it is a serious event that she should know about, and believe me it's not for seeking attention.

Personally I have no fear in telling some specific people only, of what I tried to do, and remember years ago if someone did this it was kept quiet, as this was an absolute taboo, no one was to know.

Beyond Blue and those of us involved are trying our best to talk about depression and what may happen or could happen, and sometimes it maybe embarrassing to start talking about it, but by keeping it locked up inside yourself, is taking it all back to when it was classified as taboo.

The most difficult part is to answer their questions, 'why did you do it', so then suddenly you feel blank, your heart is thumping away, and just want to leave the room, sweating profusely, yes we know all too well, but you don't have to talk about it there and then, so you can briefly say 'it was a bad time in life, and can we talk about it when the time is right', and at some time you both can, but only when you are ready. Geoff.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Hannalogy, thanks for your post.

Others may not know how to respond or understand fully, but most likely, they will be happy they can be there for you. Talking about suicide can feel like the big heavy elephant in the room - taking up all this space in our minds - and when we don't talk about it, it won't go away, and we will wonder what others are thinking. Once we bring it up though, questions can be asked, and ideas to solve the issues found. Sometimes people won't know what to say or do, but helping them get information at the same time can be a good start. In the end, everyone just wants that safety for you - talking about it isn't attention seeking or wrong, it's a part of the healing process for most people.

We hope that you are past the point of still contemplating suicide, and anniversary dates of events can be hard. Know that you are not alone no matter what, and if you feel something in this is causing you to be at risk, you can speak with your mental health team 24/7 (1800 011 511) or Suicide Callback for information and support (they also have a 24hr webchat), or 1300 659 467.

We hope that the online community here provides you with helpful support that also empowers you to continue moving forward.

Take care and don't hesitate to contact our Support Service if you would like any information, referrals, or brief support to do with depression and anxiety. They can be reached 24/7 at 1300 224 636 or online via webchat daily from 3pm-midnight.

[Dagget]

Hi Hannaology

Exactly one year ago for me (19th July 2014) is also one of my anniversary dates. I only released recently just how close it really was in terms of timing and response.  Not a day goes by without thoughts about it and it has taken alot of therapy to put it into the background for a while. Now, a year on, and living in a perpetual state of fear/anxiety/depression and other things is certainly a challenge. I have also been diagnosed with dissociative disorder which is interesting from a psycological point of view but hardly helpful as it created even more conflicting thoughts and emotions. 

[hannalogy]

Thanks for your responses everybody, I really appreciated reading them. It was a bit of an emotional day, I did feel really anxious and sad.. But also just grateful. It's sad to think about how close I did come to ending things based on a headspace that didn't actually line up with reality (that I was trapped, there was no hope and no point etc).  But I tried to focus on being thankful for not being in that place any more, and for the people who have helped me so much. 

I talked to my fiancee.. He was very lovely about it and just hugged me for ages, which was what I felt I needed. After talking to him in the morning I went and spent most of the rest of the day by myself. . I felt too anxious around people. I did go to visit my friend who helped me most during that time and thanked her for what she did for me. 

 Anyway, I mostly wanted to say thank you for your responses and thanks beyond blue for having these forums..

[Carmen_Lisa]

I'm glad you are sharing. I realised reading this that many of us, when we reflect on how we felt, feel a shame or embarrassment. It is good to talk about it, even after it has passed...months, years after. I think that the emotions that come when thinking about an anniversary or something can be dangerous. For me anyway. I think I do feel shame and embarrassment, and then I start thinking about how I felt as if for someI reason I need to convince myself of the intensity and the seriousness of how I felt and responded. I think that is why talking is good, even in the crisis. It is grounding. It helps shine a light on reality. Someone who is thinking more clearly about the situation can help guide you through the pain. Talking about it (to the right person) when I reflect is important to prevent me from getting lost or stuck in that place again.

I hope tomorrow feels fresh and bright

[Carmen_Lisa]

PS. Is an hannalogy like and analogy? The same story, but told as if it were like something that happened to Hannah? 😊