On Birthdays, Expectations, and the General Imperfections of Life: A light-hearted rant.

[Asche]

Allow me to begin by saying that, I'm not writing this to garner sympathy. In fact, the main reason why I'm writing this at all is because I unexpectedly stumbled across a spare few hours on a Sunday night, when I just happened to have a point in mind. It's certainly not the most dramatic or egregious of grievances, but perhaps it'll resonate with a few of you. So with no further ado:

 Stuff birthdays. Don't get me wrong, I like the concept in principle. Having one day out of the year when you get cake and people pamper you like a god is a nice little tradition, and it's a good excuse to have friends over and reconnect after being preoccupied with work the other 364 days of the year. It's a perfectly pleasant concept in theory. Where things begin to go a bit awry, is when expectations creep into the process.

For some reason that I've never been able to understand, you're expected to be particularly happy about being alive on this ONE particular day of the year, like it's some spectacular achievement that should innately drive you to tears of happiness. Except it's not really much of an achievement, is it? Barring some truly poor decision making, it's not all that difficult to stay alive in the earlier decades of life when your body hasn't started ageing and falling to bits of its own accord. As a result, I've never particularly bothered with my birthday (particularly when it commemorates the beginning of a life that's been marred by depression for approximately half of its current lifespan), preferring to let it go unremarked and save my limited capacity for joy for times more deserving of celebrating. Yet, for one reason or another, people don't appear to be able to just let it go. They'll throw surprises, turning up unannounced proffering cakes, cards and candles expecting a WIDE grin and a tearful hug thanking them for the gifts and their thoughtfulness.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful. I'm gratified that my friends and my family care enough to spend their hard-earned cash, and even more valuable time celebrating the birth of a soul as prickly and curmudgeonly as myself. Were it possible for me to actually feel much of anything, I'd probably be touched. But what these silly buggers don't seem to realize, with your bright, expectant smiles, is that the closest thing I've felt to proper happiness in the past decade is the relief I felt relieving an overburdened bladder following 3 hours of Sunday Mass after having 2 litres of water beforehand.

[White_Rose]

So what are you going to do about it?

Mary

[Asche]

...and now I feel terrible (or at least, somewhat downhearted) watching their smiles droop and crack as they realize I'm not entirely ecstatic. I know all they ever intended was to make me happy. As far as deals go, it's a pretty great one. I get cake, and all I have to do is smile, properly smile, with sincerity and the twinkle of happiness in my eyes. Maybe even the odd tear of joy, if I can manage it. 

It's just too bloody bad that I'm not very good at doing any of those things. Which is precisely why I don't celebrate my birthday.

The more I think about all this though, the more I realize that this isn't a phenomenon just restricted to birthdays. A lot of things that we, culturally celebrate usually end up as a mixed bag at best, yet we typically ONLY fixate on the good aspects of those things, pressuring the subject of our attention to feign unbridled euphoria when, realistically, they're probably feeling a whole lot of things.

 Take for instance, graduations: Yes, they're graduating. Yes, they've just finished their exams, and maybe they even passed those with flying colours. Yes, they're entering a new, bold era of their lives. All of those are great. But chances are, as relieved as they are to finally be out of high school, university, TAFE, what-have-you, they're probably also terrified, or at least apprehensive of the new challenges they'll have to face after graduation, whether that happens to be going into further education, finding a job or even both. It's a very mixed bag, and presuming people are happy just because they're supposed to be just means that you aren't there for them at a time in their life when they might actually be struggling a little.

Same thing goes for weddings and baby showers by the by. Having kids is great, but I think just about everyone agrees that having that amount of responsibility- even when planned in advance- can be damned terrifying. It's commonly accepted that we shouldn't focus on the cloud, but maybe we shouldn't always just focus on the bright side of things either. Gotta take the good with the bad, you know?

[Asche]

Man, I was NOT expecting a reply that quickly, haha.

 As for what I'm going to do about it...well, honestly, not a damned thing, probably, apart from faking a grin as best I can.  As far as problems go, it's really quite minimal both to what I've been through in the past, and what anyone's been through in general. I'd just rather that things weren't so...asymmetrical. 

[White_Rose]

Dear Asche

Celebrations of events such as birthdays can be the catalyst for all sorts of angst. It isn't about making you happy so much as showing that you are loved. There is a difference. Choosing your birthday to demonstrate this is more a cultural convenience than celebrating the fact that you are still alive. After all, we can celebrate that we are alive every day.

Actually most people are pleased to achieved a milestone such as graduation, birth of a child or the imminent birth, etc. We know there will be difficulties ahead. It would be pretty stupid if we believed nothing would ever go wrong again. Celebrating is a way of taking a breath, enjoying the moment, getting ready for the next part of life. Gaining a degree for example does not bring immunity from worry. It possibly means more worry in finding a job, but it tells the world and ourselves we can achieve. Celebrating this is a recognition of the hard work in getting this far.

If you do not want to celebrate your life events that's OK. Instead, what about helping others to celebrate? Or helping others to get to the stage of being able to celebrate. We need encouragement to continue our lives and the joy expressed by those around us affirms we are part of that group called humans who care about each other.

Mankind has always celebrated events. Some of these are summer and winter solstice, bringing home a kill to feed the group, birth of a child who will carry on the human race. These have been important events that give more than pleasure, they bring life and tell us how time is passing. The winter solstice told us that the days would get longer and it was time to make plans for planting, hunting etc. Summer solstice said it was time to gather the harvest and make provision for the winter. This is over simplified I know, but I'm sure you get the idea.

So accept the gift you have been given, someone cares about you. And that is a priceless gift in this world where many have no one to care about them.

Mary

[Neil_1]

Hi there Asche

What a very interesting thread you’ve put forward here.

Loads of thoughts and suggestions, which could keep the water cooler/coffee break time inundated with weeks worth of quality chatter.

I think I’m in the majority with my enjoyment of birthday’s – be it mine (ah, but once a year) or anyone else’s, particularly my children.  My thoughts on this are that there are so many atrocities and bad times in the world that happen each and every day, that we should be able to have something that we can find happiness and/or pleasure in;  and call me self-indulgent or just plain greedy, but I love receiving presents.

As far as cake goes, I can take it or leave it – but with my inner fam, who I only share my birthday with anyway, they know that I’m not one for cakes, so we simply don’t have one.

So to me, it sounds like you either have a big family or lots of wonderful close friends who are all for wanting to help you celebrate your birthday with you.  Perhaps if I might be so bold as to proffer something (maybe along the lines of what Mary asked “What do you intend to do about it?”) and that is, without ruffling too many feathers in your acquaintance list, you could perhaps suggest that for my future b’day’s: 

1. I don’t wish to have a cake anymore – you could tell them some of the reasons that you’ve outlined in this thread, or you could simply say, I’m on a diet and don’t wish to indulge;

2. There is no need to present presents (two same spelt words, but spoken differently – ain’t our English language just d’lovely) to me as I have everything I need, and just your own presence (there I go again) is enough;  &

3. Um, no that’s it … I can’t think of a (c)

This message certainly is not meaning to offend at all – I’m just wishing to simply reply to you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Asche]

Thanks for your comments, Rose, Neil!

Rose- I agree with you completely. Don't get me wrong for one second- I'm immensely grateful to have my friends' friendship (although god knows I don't show that often enough). A few years ago, I would never have envisioned standing where I am, amongst those that I do. And though years of anxiety and depression have left me somewhat lacking in the social graces, I do still make the effort to celebrate their special occasions when they occur. As you said, it's a gesture of affection, and one of the few ones of showing love available to me. Assuming of course, that I'm capable of generating love in the first place. Depression history aside, it's entirely possible with my history that I'm entirely unaware of what the concept is; What is love? (There's another water cooler question for you, Neil! Of course, the only correct answer is always "Baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more." but it's always fun to see what other people come up with.)

It's not like I'm on avenging crusade against happiness, joy and fun times like some 14th century Grinch, I just don't happen to celebrate my own birthday. Nor do I burst out of cakes at weddings screaming "HALT. FUN POLICE!" (Not that I haven't considered it. I just worry what the bride'll do to me for ruining a thousand dollar cake.) You're all very welcome to go about your usual good tidings- I might even raise a glass to you. I just wish people would start taking me at face value when I say I don't want my birthday celebrated, instead of thinking I'm being coy and secretly praying for a surprise party. As for celebrations in general- well, I just wish that the happiness and fun times aspect of it weren't so obligatory. After all, making anything mandatory tends to suck the fun right out of it, don't you think?

People ought to be able to feel however they damned well feel like, whenever they feel like. Especially if it's their birthday. 

(And here's a question for ya- were you happier proposing to your fiancée/being proposed to by your fiancée, or were you happier trying to please the in-laws at your wedding? Expecting to be happy a year after the decision's been made feels like rather missing the point, even if it is going to be the biggest party in your life. Anticipations like those only result in disappointment if you fail to re-bottle the lightning of the moment, I feel. To be fair, I could be off my rocker with that example- alas, alas, I am still a bachelor.)

[Asche]

And no need to worry, Neil- no feathers ruffled at all! I'm fairly unflappable these days. I suspect part of this is due to a lack of feathers, which would be concerning, were it not for the fact that I am not, in fact, a bird. (Or a dinosaur, for that matter. Did you read that article about the T-Rex probably having feathers? I think it was from the Smithsonian.)

Thus far I've managed to elude most of it by simply concealing my birthday from the prying eyes of social media and being elusive about the exact circumstances of my birth (my personal favourite is telling people that I was actually the final inhabitant of a dying planet, sent away by his parents to a distant star where I could find a future, raised in the arms of a farmer and his wife in Kansas. Oddly enough, most people don't buy that one).

I apologise if all the bracketed comments are distracting- I recently read a Connolly novel that was positively littered with footnotes much like these, and I fear I may have picked up the habit. Do let me know if I ought to be dialling it down a notch (although personally, I find that having a sense of humour helps with most things. If you can't laugh when the skies are dark and world is crumbling all around you, you're liable to never laugh at all).

[Neil_1]

Asche

Thank you enormously for your latest wave of musings.  You lifted me with your writings – your ability with the English language is remarkable and I have really enjoyed reading.  “What is love, baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more” … some of the one hit wonder, Haddaway’s finest work (though one could argue whether it actually reached the heights of the title “hit”).  Wow, you’ve got me doing the bracketed thing now.

And you can see how ‘90’s I still am with my referral to ‘water cooler conversation’, as there’s really not a lot of water coolers to be found anymore.  Most people carry their own bottle with them.  I’m from the vintage where I started we had a tea lady – Franka was her name and the most lovely little lady she was.  Wow, a quick digressive sojourn down memory lane for me just then.

My first day at work;  in a typing pool of all things, with ladies and gals all around … and here was a fresh young buck from the country starting up in a big city.  White shirt, crepe pink tie (yes, crepe PINK tie) … carefully gets his coffee at morning tea, nerves abounding as I didn’t want to spill anything, etc.  We moved to the breakout room … I put the cup down and as I go to sit down, my crepe pink tie unfortunately lowers down into my coffee.  Which then proceeded to slap itself back onto my white shirt.  Girls in the typing pool laughing = 1,  Neil facing total embarrassment = 1 (so if you look at it that way, it was a win allround).

I was over the moon and majorly excited on the two occasions I proposed to my first ex wife and then the 2nd time to my ex fiancé.  Made it to the winning line, once and the 2nd time, we didn’t quite make it.  Oh well, times lived.

I feel I’m rambling, so will end this little bit of shenanigan here and now.

Look forward to your next gem being produced.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Twice today I have lost the brilliant post I had just written.  The first one I had taken the precaution of copying before posting but unfortunately I have lost the reply I was sending to you and Neil. Can perfection be re-created? I have to go out now and will reply later.

Just for you to discuss round the water cooler here's a definition of love. Love is unlimited benevolence and infinite goodwill. What do you think?

Mary