Oh so tired

[bman42]

Hi all.Just decided to join this forum as I have no one to talk to and just needed somewhere to rant where people might understand.

I am in my 40's and have had SA all my adult life and also in and out depression a lot of that time,i have never seen anyone about it as I am still physically able to work and survive and have been brought up to not to complain and every time I think about getting treatment I think to myself i'm just being weak and to suck it up and get on with it.

I managed to have a relationship for 5 years but my condition eventually destroyed that.I have never told anyone about my condition,even my ex.I'm too embarassed to tell anyone.Anyway that was 18 months ago,we are selling the house we bought soon and I have no idea where to go or what to do.I am so sick and tired of starting again and having no direction in my life,would have thought that being in 40's I would have some direction and stability in my life.I really cant decide what to do and feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders when I shouldn't as I know there is a lot of other people out there that are worse of than me.I have very little motivation in doing anything even cooking dinner at night is a struggle and I really don't know what makes me happy anymore....Just so tired of living this lonely,boring,meaningless life.I am not thinking of suicide but struggling to find some meaning in my life

Well thankyou for letting me let of steam and am VERY sorry for my poor grammar!!!

[bman42]

Thankyou mandyjk. After the past couple of hours I realise I have a very long journey in front of me. I really do appreciate your response as it has calmed me down slightly

[bman42]

Facetious

I read your reply an hour or 2 ago and I just want to share what my reaction was and how my f*cked up mind works

I just want to state that this is how I reacted to such a simple statement by someone I don't know and not blaming you for your statement but blaming myself for the way I reacted over it(hopefully that makes sense)

This is how 90% of me wants to reply to you-

"This was just a simple post to show my appreciation to ALL who replied to me. Even a simpleton like myself knows you are not the only person to contribute on here. This is why I thanked ALL.... I know this board is for advice and SUPPORT and that is why I stated that in my post.... Your post has turned my positive mood into one of anger and negativity in 2 seconds and has me in a mood of depression once again. All I tried to do is thank all of you and you have turned it around to say I was wrong for posting my thanks"

I now have spiralled into a state of self hating,anger,sadness,ect. Why do I do this over such simple and innocent things. I feel over my adult years I have turned into this spiteful ogre that is just full of hate and anger. I loath myself. I am ugly on the inside. I don't know who I am anymore and it just makes me cry. I feel this disease has become me and how can I fix something that is so deeply trenched in me that I have become it???? I know there is a loving beautiful side to me but it is so deep down now I am unsure if I am able to rescue it. Do I let myself become in this state because deep down that is what I want? I just don't know anymore.... I have a long journey in front of me and one i'm not sure I can win but what option do I have but to at least try....

Again I want to make this clear that this is not a response to you facetious but the stupid ,way over the top over reaction my f*cked up mind has to such simple things. Probably the most stupid thing is that I know I am over reacting at the time but cant help myself but spiral into the darkness. I really wish my mind had an off switch

Just read over what I have just typed and this is truly the words of a crazy man

I don't think i'm helping anyone by being on here including myself

Now for the days of analysing and beating myself up for what I just wrote

.

[S_A_D_]

Bman,

that was very impressive. As I write this I feel like I'm still in a state of awe. Allow me to explain.

I do this myself regularly. These thought patterns you describe are far to common for me. Deep down I know they are hurtful exaggerations, but I can't help myself. I need to release these emotions, and I know no other way. I don't actually WANT to hurt anyone in the process, but it's so much easier to direct my feelings at someone or something specific that I believe has wronged me in some way, and unleash everything I have at them until I calm down. This is an aspect of my illness callled rage, and can be read up on via ManTherapy. 

If you believe this is something you might have, your psychologist can help more than anyone. Rage is about repressed anger and psychosocial health, specifically emotional expression. I was not allowed to express my emotions growing up, so I never developed the ability to control them, or myself.

The reason I am so impressed is that in your post you have openly admitted to these feelings, and further more the admission comes in the same post as the outburst of rage. When I am enraged it's a bit like my emotions have control, and I'm watching myself behaving badly. Sometimes I can wrestle control away from the beast, but by that time I often feel so ashamed of what the beast has done I can't admit it. It also contributes to my anxiety, because in western culture punishment is believed to be the most effective form of behavioural control, and I fear the receiving of punishment for things the beast did through me.

You are a wise and honest person, and I consider you a role model. I have a lot more experience at managing my condition, and yet somehow you are better at self control than I am. Apparently education and experience isn't everything. 

Will you teach me how you do whatever it is that you do to write messages like the one above?

[geoff]

dear Bman42, I understand how upset you are that your GP is leaving, it seems to create a back a step.

I feel exactly the same way as my psychologist I have seen for 20 odd years has left, and I can't seem to adjust with anyone else.

I've tried with a couple of other psychologists, but it's not the same, I just wish that she hadn't left.

People said to me 'what are you still seeing Sue, she obviously hasn't 'fixed' you', the answer to that question was that I could just go in and talk to her, and if there was something niggling me then we would talk about it.

When you say ' let myself become in this state because deep down that is what I want', isn't fair for yourself, give yourself some credit, you deserve it, you need a compliment to encourage yourself to try and continue, and you will, I know you will, I can read this from your comments and replies.

I just want you to remember that on our journey to any sort of recovery it's not like flicking a switch, in other words it doesn't happen instantaneously, it can be a struggle and there maybe relapses.

If we have 2 or 3 good days but then suddenly a bad day comes along, don't take this as feeling your back with depression, it's just a hiccup, and it may happen a few times.

I have confidence in you, OK, and take care. Geoff.

[bman42]

Facetious

Hahaha, I've been called a lot of things in my time but being called a role model is definitely a first! I applaud you for your response as it says a lot about your maturity and character. I doubt very much I could have replied like you did after trying to help someone out and I am very relieved you did. Just like you the last thing I want to do is hurt someone especially someone on here. I still feel like a bit of a twat for typing that but your understanding really turned my mood and my day right around. Thankyou....

We seem to a few things in common such as being brought up not discussing or showing emotions, social anxiety and 'the beast'. The beast is always there in me and every day I battle it in my mind. Some days I cant help myself but let a little bit of it out but I think you have just as much self control as I do as just like me you do not want to hurt people intentionally. Although the amount of rage I feel inside me so often will take its toll on me one day.

Will try and bring this thread to an end now as I think it has served its purpose and has helped me in ways you can not imagine....Plus I hate talking about myself!

Bman

p.s- somehow I don't think you need my advice in writing messages, I admire how articulated you and others are on here

[bman42]

Dear Geoff

Thankyou for your reply. After my 'rage' post I thought no one would reply to me let alone support and encourage me. You seem like a wonderful person and for you to reply the way you do to so many people while going through your own battles inspires me. Plus your photo with your two dogs always puts a smile on my face!

I hardly ever go to a GP so it was the first time I had seen this doctor which made it even more surprising I was so comfortable with her. Hopefully the psychologist she recommended is the same

After reading a lot of posts on here I now realise there is no quick fix and probably something I will have to manage for the rest of my life but with therapy hopefully I will learn tools to make my life better. But after conversing with people like you I have a new found hope for a better life. Thankyou geoff

Bman