Not sure what is wrong with me

[Miranda_J]

Hi, I just need some help to understand what is wrong with me. I’m not originally from Australia but the uk and I’ve lived here for 3 years, the past 2 with my partner who is Australian.
I suffered with depression around 10 years ago in the uk due to an abusive relationship and spent many years looking after myself and thought I got through it.
this relationship is the first since and things are ok my partner loves me dearly I can trust him but I don’t see anything good in my life and it’s ruining everything. We struggled with his family accepting our relationship and how toxic they were to him, so we moved and he has been very supportive of everything to do with our life however I feel like I am alone and push him away. I don’t have many friends that don’t have their own life or kids That will be that friend I guess I need. My partner works fifo so I am quite alone a lot of the time. We are in a semi rural part of Australia and moving further isn’t an option but being where we are means little options for me to meet people. I am out of touch with the things I enjoy because I can’t reach it here. I just feel alone and lost and like my severe depression from years ago has come back and I don’t know what to do. I go to sleep hoping I won’t wake up. I don’t feel like I have a purpose or use and that I’ve become dependent on my partner when that’s the last thing I want to do. I hate myself how I look how I feel and I don’t know how or what I can do to make a change

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to the forums, Miranda J

We are grateful that you have reached out here today as we know it can be really tough to do this for the first time. We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling lost and alone. We understand that this feeling must be overwhelming, especially if you feel unable to reach out to friends and family. Please know that you do not have to do this alone. Many in our community have had similar feelings and understand. Hopefully a few of them will pop by soon to offer you some words of kindness and advice.

You mentioned that you've also experienced depression in the past- and can we ask if you are you currently receiving mental health support, or have previously reached out for some extra support? We know it must be really tough to be keeping these feelings bottled up, and we think it might really help to talk these feelings through. Please know that our Beyond Blue Support Service is always here for you, 24/7, on 1300 22 4636 or you can get in touch through online chat (3pm-12am AEST) at www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the lovely counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings and experiences with you, and can offer support, as well as advice and referrals to help you through this.

We would also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) who are there for you anytime, day or night, to help support you.

We hope you find these forums to be a safe, non-judgmental and supportive place. Please feel free to keep checking in here on your thread to let us know how you are, whenever you feel up to it.

[therising]

Hi Miranda J

My heart truly goes out to you as you face overwhelming challenges that lay before you. It is a horrible and incredibly fearful feeling, facing slipping back into a depression. With the thought 'No, please not again, I can't do this again!', you can be left with no choice but to manage in every way possible to avoid revisiting that dark place. I'm glad you managed coming here. Your will and desire to manage is a sign of your incredible strength and determination.

Personally, I left my depression behind me about 15 years ago and up until last year faced that challenging question 'Why do I find myself on the brink of slipping back in every once in a while?' Miranda, I had to know. I had to find the answer because, basically, revisiting that brink was becoming potentially depressing in itself. My revelation, 'Every challenge holds the potential to either raise us or depress us'. Of course, some will be intense. The potentially depressing ones are often life changing when we rise to meet them. Not meeting them can prove angering or depressing.

It sounds like you face

• a challenge which involves the decision to either stay where you are or move to where there are more opportunities
• a challenge to speak with your partner about the intolerable nature of his fifo job and maybe the serious need to move away from where you live (in isolation). Discussing lack of community resources and support may lead him to imagine how tough this would be if he was in the same position. If he insists you both stay where you are, I suggest he will need to meet the significant challenges involved in helping you reform your life in fulfilling ways that serve your soul
• a challenge to stay in a relationship where you love that person vs the challenge to leave it, if conditions of the relationship are depressing. This is a massive call. Everything in our head may be saying 'You love him, you can't leave' yet if the choices made in the relationship remain depressing, as long as that relationship continues under such circumstances the relationship remains depressing. By the way, the distance you find yourself creating sounds like it could be based on resentment. Could that involve him not helping you manage?

These are all life changing challenges, without a doubt. They are incredible. I've discovered not facing the challenges which lead to me evolve leaves me in pain. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain, on a deep soulful level.

Again, my heart truly goes out to you 🙂

[therising]

Hi Miranda J

Wondering if you've spoken in depth with your partner about how you're feeling. You definitely need his support. A true test of any relationship involves being there for each other during the tough challenges. Sounds like you were very supportive of him regarding his family challenges and, from what you say, he's been supportive of you so far. Sometimes we're pushed to be fearless in expressing the challenges we are unable to tolerate alone.

🙂