Not sure how to feel anymore.

[CatherineD]

I'm a 17 year old girl and i've been depressed since i was 11. I was bullied when I was little about my appearance which is something i can not change. Ever since the bullying happened i've always been self conscience about the way i look. The bullying affected me in so many ways I would cry every day and it got to the point where i self harmed a few times. The bullying stopped at the age of 13 but the pain and memories were still there. For a few years i just wasn't the same, through those years i went through bad friendships and fights with family that made me feel even worse. I left school at the age of 15 and lost so many friends and was having health issues. I turned to self harm again and isolated myself from the few friends i had left. At 16 I had an ultra sound and was put on diane 35 pills to see if it could help me with my health. I am now 17 and i've stopped hurting myself because it makes me feel twice as hopeless. I'm off diane 35 pills it didn't help me, I have polycystic ovary syndrome which basically means I have a high chance of not being able to get pregnant when i'm older. Hearing that news broke me into a million pieces because all i've ever wanted was my own child to give my all to. I don't get my monthly's anymore which has heightened my chance of not being pregnant. I've pushed away all my friends and I isolate myself now from everyone. I feel so numb but at the same time I feel so angry and suicidal. I don't know what to do right now.

[vip]

Hi Catherine you poor girl sounds like you have been through a lot here. Please go to your GP you may need medication and a referral to spaeak to a psych you have depression here that needs to be treated. About the not being ably to have children maybe speak to your GP about your concerns also speak to the professionals they will help you. take care

[Chris_B]

Hi Catherine, please do seek some professional help for what you're going through mentally; it sounds like your physical health is being well taken care of and your emotional needs are just as important.

Something to think on a bit for the future, should it turn out that you are unable to have your own biological child: I am adopted, because my parents were unable to have their own children. There is a lot more to being a parent than the blood connection. If you have that strong desire to be a parent and be a mum then that will shine through and you will find a way to do it, whether that's through adoption or another method.

As for right now, it's understandable that you've pushed people away because of your depression and anger.  Now might be a good time to try and rebuild some relationships, just one at a time.  You've been through a huge amount for someone so young.  Can you choose a friend you feel most comfortable with and take that first step to get back in touch?  What about family support, cousins close to your own age perhaps?

best
CB

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Online Community Manager

[CatherineD]

I've been to a few specialists about my health issue, nothing ever helps i've been on so many medications and it's at the point where i've given up. I'm just so scared to speak to a doctor about how i'm feeling just thinking about it makes me anxious but thank you for replying and your help.

[CatherineD]

Hi Christopher thank you for replying, the thing is it's so hard to find an actual doctor who deals with mentally unstable patients. My parents think i'm doing great now, they found out about my self harming and think i'm happy now that i've stopped I don't want them knowing i'm going to a doctor it will literally hurt them there's just so much going on they're busy planning my sisters engagement party and so on.

I've always thought about adoption as an option, it just hurts that i can't go through the whole pregnancy experience and i'm scared no one would want to marry someone who can't get pregnant.. it's actually quite a daunting thought i get almost everyday.

It's hard for me to rebuild friendships at this point because I just mentally can't be around people or speak to them, I get this burst of anger inside just waiting to lash out at them for no reason. Can't talk to any family or relatives they're not the kind of people i can talk to or rely on.
thankyou once again