It's all coming back

[adamsmith720]

Hey all, didn't know where else to turn to with this stuff. Things just haven't been going too right lately. Will try and water this down so not to go into too much detail but that might be hard.

Firstly I have suffered through depression, anxiety and mild bipolar since I was around 17. Things turned bad when I was 18, with various incidents leading to self harm, cutting and eventually suicide attempts. I was medicated and things eventually calmed down and things seemed to be 'healed'. In saying that, it was always 'there', but I managed it.

I'm now 26, and earlier this year things started to rear their head again. I got a full time job that was unrelated to my ideal career and I was forced into leaving it in the second week due to severe anxiety and panic attacks. This happened about 12 months ago as well in another job, but at that stage I thought it was an isolated incident. I put a lot of pressure on myself to reach my dream job, and given I have been graduated for 2 years now without getting a job on my degree, it's been stressful. There is a long story related to my work issues, but that's not the main issue I'm posting here today. My anxiety attacks lead me to go back to the doctor for my issues for the first time in 8 years, where I prescribed anti-depressants and recommended for a psychologist. Initially I felt as though she helped, but in the end it was hard to tell given I had left my job and that at the time was the only real issue. The anti-depressants I was on also affected me badly more so than good, with various mental issues and other physical side effects. My GP recommended I go off them which I did. Things seemed to be just sitting at a 'normal' level.

Recently though this has changed when it has come to my mental well being and emotions. I should mention I have been in a long term relationship for a while now, but recently my feelings for my partner seem to be diminishing. I recently met another person who I have connected with online quite a bit, we chat pretty much every day and have become very good friends. We have met in person and basically I feel as though she has become one of, if not my closest friend since I've gotten to know her. Gradually I found myself having feelings for her, and eventually really discovered that I was in fact in love with her. This has then diminished my feelings for my current partner where I'm not sure if I am in love with her still.

Things with this other girl were just going fine, I wasn't going to tell her my true feelings as past experiences had always gone bad for me in that case (related to my previous bouts of depression when I was 17/8) and there was no need for me to say anything. Things came to a head recently though when a conversation basically made the 'truth' come out in that she found out that I liked her. Since that night, things did turn a little weird, and then it amounted into a couple of days of non talking. In these last few days I literally haven't stopped thinking of her every single second, I have a knot tied in my body that I can't shake and I was literally obsessing, checking to see if she was online and then waiting for her to message me. We went 2 days without talking which basically was the longest I had gone given we had literally talked every day for over 2 months. It was killing me. I was trying to not go out of my way to message her and 'give her space' but I caved tonight and messaged her. Things were fine, we were joking around like old times but I asked if we were 'cool' and she basically fobbed it off and asked me not to ask things like that. I then asked if she wanted to Skype which she said yes, before coming back and making up an excuse that she couldn't. Long story short...I know that by me admitting to a 'crush' on her (which is all she thinks at this stage), things have gotten weird. And basically the whole point of me spilling this out is that I just can't shake these feelings and it's killing me. So badly, I can't function on a day to day level and I feel urges coming back inside of me that I had back when I was younger and it scares me. It does.

I know the option is to seek help but honestly that hasn't helped me in the past and I just don't see it helping this time. I feel as though maybe I should give the anti-depressants another go (I still have the packet and script for refills) to see if they work now that I actually have issues. I also just am so goddamn lonely that I just need people to talk to. Another part of everything that is building up is that all of the people close to me in my life have left interstate or overseas so I literally have to troll the internet for intervention that never comes. I know I'm a 'desperate' person so to speak when it comes to attention and that i'm 'needy' but this is just such a terrible situation that I'm in right now that I just don't know what to do.

It's taken a lot of courage for me to post on here and I feel as though I'm only telling part of the story, and even then it's way too damn long. It would just be great to meet people to chat to through this experience to try and help me get through it. Any help would be greatly appreciated

[Chris_B]

Hi Adam,

Thanks for joining up to the forum and for telling your story.  I think you should try going back to therapy again - it's the best way for dealing with anxiety, depression and breaking negative/obsessive thought patterns, I still rely on it today.  You may not have clicked with your last psychologist, but that's fine; there are plenty out there, 'shop around' until you find one that fits best with the issues you're trying to work through.

Be quite open with your GP about what you're experiencing as well, even if it means printing out this post and taking it in with you.  There are so many different meds available for depression, anxiety, bipolar and the more information your GP has the best chance you have of finding the right one(s) to help.

For your own wellbeing, and I say this having been in a similar situation before, I think you should break off contact with the second girl you have been speaking with. It sounds like she either isn't interested, or at the very least is not comfortable with taking things further, and nothing will be gained by pursuing it further except to make you more anxious.  This will be hard to do, as she is consuming your thoughts at the moment, but in my opinion this is a dead end street.

Does your current girlfriend know about your anxiety issues? Have you discussed any of this with her?

best
CB

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Online Community Manager