just feel like it's punishment!

[RayS]

I've been dealing with manic depression since I was first diagnosed over 20 years back. I do the right thing and take the meds, as best as possible keep a positive attitude in front of others, try to look at life as a glass half full adventure and basically take things as they come. I've managed the condition for so long it just feels like part of my "normal" existence. Life throws the odd curve ball at me, my psych's wife being diagnosed with and subsequently from cancer a year after I started seeing him,  mum dying of cancer a few years back, my mother-in-law (whom I loved very much) taking her own life a year later, my wife's battle with her own depression and anxiety following her mum's passing, me living with severe chronic RA....the sought of things most people have to deal with at some point in their lives. I've handled it all, and kept plugging. There have been times when the depression has swung in and hit me full face, but I've always worked through it. I always felt I could take whatever it threw at me as long as I felt I could fight.

And then, two weeks ago, my wife of 8 years is diagnosed with a potentially life threatening condition following one of those "routine" checks that women have. She's handled the news so much better than I have. All of a sudden that damn mongrel black dog is turning feral on me and I'm back where I was when this lousy thing first started.

I feel like I'm being punished for something I don't understand and that in turn makes me feel so damn selfish when my wife needs my support more than at any time in our lives together.

I know I'm not the first bloke to have faced this, so I guess all I'm looking for here is some positive feedback. Have you been through this sort of thing? How did you handle it? Increased meds? Therapy? Faith?

I'm not at all suicidal. Just.....lost.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Ray,

Probably not the long response you're after but I gotta say, as a long term manic depressive too, it always "feels like I'm being punished for something I don't understand".    The emotion GUILT is the strongest negative mood.  It takes a big leap of faith to overcome such an obstacle.

Just being there is good enough for me.  Forget the "lack of support" or "selfish" blackness.   Being a simple human next to another human is pretty good going in my book.   (And I'm not talking about my little black book for girlie extras - Ha !).  If you can focus on the most important thing - looking after your partner - then maybe it won't feel so much like you are useless and trapped by your own depression.

Again, sorry for such a short response.

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear Ray, sometimes we ask ourselves 'why me',or 'why do these happen to us', not that we want it happen to anyone else, 'but please haven't we had to cope with so much', bl-------y hell.

The old saying it never rains it pours, and how apt this is for you, your wife, and family, why can't a glass half full equal a glass half empty, or we look at a salt hour glass and watch it pour down into the bottom just waiting for something else to happen.

Some people have far too much to cope with, while others just breeze through life.

Your wife seems to understand your condition and is probably doing the same as you have, that is to hide it from others.

Your medication doesn't seem to be working so I would get it revised by your doctor, as I was diagnosed with depression and also had it for 20 years, but as I have been on this site I know that it's much longer than that, anyway it's far too long, it's tiring,exhausting, a struggle and battle and there never seems to be an answer on how to overcome it.

 CB may or may not be able to give you a link or website for you to read.

A lot of people have decided to seek help in religion, and if they feel satisfaction with this then that's great for them, so this maybe an option for you, as you have such a wide range of traumas to cope with, and we can only feel so sorry for you.

Is there any hope for a surgical procedure that will help your wife, and are you still seeing your psych or is he having time off.

We can only feel the most heart felt concern for you and your wife, and I hope that you can stay attached to this site. Geoff.