No work, no friends and wife sick for many weeks

[macuser2017]

I work for a consulting company and still have a job. But have had nothing to do for many many months and very afraid the company might fire me any day. I tried confronting my manager to ask if I would be fired but he always keeps quiet and does not say anything (he is based on the US and does not want to talk on phone and will only answer via chat). The few Australian managers I know do not respond either. 

Have been applying for many months & do not even get an interview. I have revised my CV more than dozen times. Being in IT for 17 years I thought my skills were valuable...

Wife has been sick for 2 months now and wont get out of bed most of the day...feel sad for her since she is very active and loves the sun but is not able to go out at all. She is also over anxious and every time she speaks to me it's only a "i'm in pain...". Doctors as usual have a 2-3 month wait everywhere.

Kids are young and have a demanding school life. 

Wake up (though there is no desire to do so)...get kids to school...do the basic household chores (dishes/laundry/tidying)..look for work all day on internet....pick up kids...do some homework or take them to swimming etc....

Feeling let down and defeated. thought many times about ending it...if not for my kids..

I have no friends or family other than wife/kids...no one to speak to talk about anything...just keep to myself and ride the day...i tried talking to my wife about anxiety of not having work and afraid of loosing job, but she is more worried about her pain so I don't talk to her anymore about it....

[MissBenthos]

Hi macuser2017,

Finding work can be really hard, and especially if business is quiet. Have you tried applying for jobs in person rather than online? It's one way to make your application stand out more. The whole process of looking for work can be really down putting, but your skills are valuable, keep trying and I hope you find something soon. For now, you at least still have the other job so that is one positive.

I wish your wife all the best in her recovery. I hope you will be able to talk about these things with her again, it must be extra worrying on you knowing that she’s unwell too, just don’t forget to look after yourself. Have you been in to see a GP for yourself?

Do you see any other parents when you take the kids to swimming/other activities? Maybe you could try chatting with them to help take your mind off things?

[macuser2017]

Hi MissBenthos

Thanks for your advise. I do not know of any means of approaching in person for applying for jobs...do u have any ideas? 

I have no parents or friends here....so if not with my wife it's up to me. My parents live abroad and have their own issues looking after my sisters kid who was born premature so I don't worry them. 

The last time I saw a GP, i was given pills that caused a lot of drowsiness...so unfortunately I am not able to do it now as I have to wake up on time to get kids to school and the normal daily activities.

 We have a few appointments finally starting to happen for my wife's specialist doctors next week...so I am hoping something will come good.

Is it normal to feel down and overwhelmed with everything? I feel I am not helping out more and just thinking of myself. 

[MissBenthos]

Hi macuser2017,

There are some jobs that will want you to apply online or have a specific process they’d like you to follow when applying, but if that’s not the case you have the option of going out to visit the company. Dress like you would for an interview with a copy of your resume and any other information you might need to provide. When you arrive you’ll most likely need to ask for a manager or someone involved in the hiring process. Once you find the person you need to speak with, introduce yourself and explain that you are interested in the position advertised. If you’re worried about what to say after that, something like: “Thanks so much for your time, it was nice to meet you, here’s my resume and contact details, ” will keep it short and sweet, you also have the opportunity to ask any questions you might have. You'll be a much more memorable candidate for them than someone who's applying online.

If a businesses you'd like to work at doesn't currently have a position, drop in and explain you’re looking for work and if anything might come up here’s my resume.  All of this can be very tiring, it’s hard work so you probably won’t want to do it all the time, it’s good if you can organize to visit a few different places in the same outing.

Hope all of that information doesn’t seem too daunting, these are only ideas for you to try if you feel up to it. I'm sure there are many suggestions others might have for how to make your job applications stand out from the crowd.

Try not to feel guilty about talking to your parents, for a long time I didn’t say anything to anyone about what I was going through for fear of worrying them or sounding like a whinger but most people I have told don’t see it that way at all, they just want to help.

It’s a part of depression to feel down and overwhelmed with everything, tasks that were once simple can become too much sometimes, it really sucks but you are helping out more than you know – looking after the kids, doing housework, working, searching for jobs - that’s a lot of work for anyone.

Good luck with your wife’s appointments. If possible I would suggest going back to your GP and talking about the medication, they should take into consideration the side effects and may be able to provide one that will suit your needs more. It may also be helpful to see a psychologist, ask your GP about it, it can be scary if you haven’t been to one before, but worth a try.

[Neil_1]

 Hi there macuser

Welcome to Beyond Blue and it’s great that you’ve come here and provided your post.

It’s awesome that Miss Benthos has been with you, responding to you – and wow, Miss Benthos has really provided you with some fantastic advice and suggestions.

I guess I’m really here just to back up what Miss Benthos has provided to you – and in particular the part about “you” getting back to your gp for a review of medication.  There are literally 100’s of meds out there available and as you’ve encountered, some have differing side effects – so yeah having sleepy side effects ain’t particularly good – unless you get it say around 10pm.  🙂   But if you can go back, they might be able to try you on another kind?

Great to hear that your wife is set up for some specialist’s appointments also – that’s a very good positive step forward.

Yes, feeling down and things just overwhelming and all consuming;  pressure on your shoulders, feeling like you’re having your oxygen choked from you – is all part of the symptoms we experience – amongst many others, of course.  And no it ain’t fun and hence why we have this major battle to continue to fight each and every day.

Just wanted to touch on again your current work – are you still going?   Cause a part from the first post you made, I can’t quite see if you’re still at that job?   But if you are, surely there must be other work colleagues there – and even if there isn’t a great repour there, it’s still contact you’re making with others.   And as Miss Benthos mentioned, when you take your kids to their activities, the opportunity for some social banter could present itself there as well.

Just quickly, do “you” have any hobbies, sports, interests that you enjoy doing?   Any that you are currently doing?   Perhaps not as you sound to be almost flat chat as is.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[macuser2017]

Hi Niel

 Thanks for your post. I am going to try the random drop in at companies out...

Will try getting to my GP at some time...just afraid my wife may think that I am putting myself in the centre when it should be about her.

Yes I still have my current work. Most of my colleagues were already made redundant and there is only 2 of us who are in this state. Like me my colleague is also extremely worried he may loose his job but he is poland. Haven't had any interactions with other parents other than the usual "hello...how's it going...good..see u".. Hard for me or the other parents to open up i guess...

I used to run, but after all these issues, I have stopped. Very hard to find any motivation to do anything actually...I am just hoping the doctors will find something for my wife

[Neil_1]

Hi there macuser

If your wife brings anything up, I would potentially say something like, “I’m wanting to make sure I’m ok, so I can be at my best to provide you with all the support and help you need – and I am hoping to possibly pick up some mechanisms for help and support also”.   That’s if I’ve read you right – and if I have, then that’s good;   if I haven’t then, perhaps what I’ve just said won’t be of any use to you.  But I hope it helps a bit.

Redundancy’s in the workplace always lend themselves to be worrying situations and anxiety about what might be coming next.  I just hope that they may have now completed their ‘cull’ and in fact, you are now ok and more importantly, will be ok from now on.

With regard to other parents, I guess it all depends on the ‘other person’ and whether they seem receptive to your initial welcome/interaction with them.  You could always try something like, “Hey, did you see the footy on the weekend and the weather that they had to play in”.  Two options there with key words being:  “footy” and “weather”, where sometimes you might be able to spark some interest in either of those two words.  The worst that can happen is a response like:  “Nope, didn’t see anything on the weekend”.

End result of that is – no skin taken off your nose at all – you are simply back to square one, BUT you’ve learned that the person you approached is not receptive to any kind of parent-chat.

Hmmmm, just as I write this, I am getting a cheeky response building up within me – you know the old thing that stats reveal that 1 in 5 people are affected with a mental illness.  Ok, so this person could very well be one of those five because they’re not feeling comfortable in making talk in a social kind of atmosphere, so cheekiness comes forward and wants me to ask them, “So me and my wife are battling from mental illness and I’m just wondering whether you do as well?  Sometimes it can be good to unload”.  That’s perhaps pushing the envelope a bit too much, but I thought it worthwhile just typing it out.

Cheers

Neil

[macuser2017]

Gave the walk in interviews a shot. As expected, I was told to reach out to HR through social media as they never don't work from the office or that there is nowhere to just leave a resume and the best is to apply through the website.

Wife still in a fix as Neuro said "all good on MRI so you have find another doctor". GP said "all good with neuro so I don't know what to do..". Took some  initiative to find a pain management specialist for wife...totally at loss at how ineffective the medical system has become..

 Life sucks...

[Doolhof]

Hi Macuser,

I have just been reading through most of this thread. I may have skipped the bit that indicated what your wife is suffering from, but I realise it has to do with a lot of pain.

Many years ago I suffered a back injury which had me living on the floor for about year and a couple of years after that I was a lot more active.

You mentioned your wife used to like the sun, I bought myself a sunbed type mattress and placed that out in the garden. I would take my pillow and lay in the sun. The heat radiating through my body really helped, plus I was outside in the fresh air.

Does your wife like to read? Are you close to a library? Could you find books on pain management or books for her to enjoy. There are so many motivational books as well.

Regarding yourself and meeting people, you have children right? Could you ask some of the parents if they would like to get together in a park sometime so the children could play together. You could mention your wife is unwell and the kids would love some more interaction with other children.

As far as work goes, my husband has been out of work for two tears now and I understand how hard that can be trying to look for another job. Yes, your situation is a bit unknown, and you are doing the right thing looking for another job if you are uncertain about your current work status. I wish you luck with that.

My husband actually persisted at one local company and asked to see the manager, and presented him his resume in person. He didn't get a job out of it, but he did say the manager was very surprised by his determination.

Wishing you all the best in all your endeavours, cheers for now from Mrs. Dools