No sun shines here

[Ragamuffin]

In a hole dark as night i keep trying to claw my way out feels like im getting in deeper no sun shines in here i have been suffering from depression for as long as i can remember i never knew my family never knew they always treated me like a problem never a person putting me down treating me bad beating me constantly this was just my way of life, isn't this how everyone lives. My first serious relationship i loved him so much he constantly abused me mentally physically and sexually, isn't this what love is, one day he beat me so bad i ended up in hospital we both knew next time he would kill me he left me for a new life i was so lost all i did was drink do drugs and horrible behaviour laying down for whoever would lay with me all i ever wanted was someone to love me care about me treat me like a person. After years in this darkness i finally met her she made me feel like a person for the first time in my life, it took me a long time to overcome the fact that i was falling in love with a woman my family did not approve. She was the person who recognised my depression i always thought that was just the way i was, i have been on medication for 7 years now the first few years i would think I'm ok and stop my meds my behaviour would revert back to my ugly mean dark self . For the past 3 years i now know i will always need medication to keep me NORMAL  My partner has been the most supportive person along this horrible journey of mine she is so beautiful i still question why does she love me i don't deserve her how can she put up with me. Even though i take medication everyday i am in the darkest hole i have ever seen i am waiting for an operation i am in constant pain all day everyday a month ago i had to take leave from work unpaid i couldnt  cope with the pain and the stress of not being able to perform my physical duties which would then lead to depression . Everyday i am at home my partner trys to help me by keeping me busy somedays i just cant get out from underneath my blanket, crawling into a ball and crying is all i want to do. A few mishaps with our house have happened lately the stress with the landlord has pushed me off the edge this feels like the worst Ive ever been i just cant see the light before i left work my boss suggested this website for me i have been lurking watching what goes on for about a month now so um here i am, i am a secret closed up tight knock if you will inside is night i am a lock without a key i am a puzzle no one solves me 

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[white knight]

Hi Ragamuffin, a warm welcome to you

I'm a poet and I see so much poetry in your post. Perhaps, as a side topic, you dotn realise what gift you have there.

How "is life suppose to be"? Well if your life depends on medication to bring you back towards "normality" then so be it. If you were normal and took a fishoil capsule daily what's the difference...its still a pill. But some of us humans need a helping hand to remain in the scope of average acceptable behaviour and our wellness.

I hope you seek an appointment with your GP. We often need a review of our medication. Some factors change, diet, environment etc.

You self esteem is really low. Of course your loving partner sees everything in you. All you need to do is maintain some level of love and care and ...she'll be there. (see my poet side lol). And if I may say, dont worry about your family or anyone else for that matter in terms of your partner. It's your life and you have found a loving supportive girl for your happiness.

Finally, latest research has found that when very low we have to wait until that low cycle begins to drift away before effective measures can be taken to improve your outlook. So some effort now might be in vain. chat with your Dr about this.

We are here for you. Post whenever you like.

Tony WK

[Ragamuffin]

Hi Tony

thank u for ur nice words yes ive been told i can write but yes ur right i have no confidence in myself i always put myself down . Its like theres two people that live in my head constantly arguing that negative and the other one see i cant even call myself nice . Yes. Love her very much i am so lucky to have her and then that other person tells me she deserves better .

So with my dr i feel like a medicare number in out here take this bulk bill that i try to tell her but sometimes i feel like im being moved out i only go there to get scripts im on strong pain meds which are really messing with my head also

i hate that i have to take medication to be me 

[Ragamuffin]

I feel so lost can i even be found

my head is a maze with no end feels like im drowning gasping for air

suffocation is darkness im a fly watching theres nothing i can do

no hope no control swallowed up by this despair

this ugly that is me 

[thidmed]

I read a great book a few years ago when I was having terrible panic attacks.  Can't remember the name of it but the author suggested that rather than fight the way you feel,  to accept it and study it.  Study the way you feel,  the way your body is acting and the effect of any medication. She said the panic will eventually end as your body can only sustain it for so long.  This approach makes you feel like an observer and detach a bit.  I liked it and have found this to be be helpful a lot over the past few years. 

[white knight]

Good post thidmed

Ragamuffin, many of us have low self esteem. It is something to work on constantly and not give up. Tipping the scales over towards positivity will gradually mean it will take over the negative side.

Embrace your poetry. Remember many poets/entertainers have their quirky side and do so due to the side that is mentally unwell. I've written 300 poems but all of them were when I was sad, in a dysthymic cycle. So I love that side of me now. It's unique.

Read our poetry in our poets corner on this site.

Tony WK