Do you ever tell how bad it really is?

[Bluebird-09]

I mean. . It's not like life is horrible. I have a home and a family.. A job... Freedom and relative peace.

Sure it hasn't always looked this way. I've been abused and neglected. .. suffered incredible loss and grief.. and somehow clung on.

So i "seem" ok. Im quite good at the mask wearing... but lately I've been trying to take it off. I have been open with my husband about what depression feels like. . And that I feel there's no way out. 

I've said that my mind wants to steer my car off the road... I've told about feeling that the life has been sucked out of me. That it's been my whole life..right from childhood and that I'm just. So. tired. That i hate myself more than I ever thought possible... that every single day is an epic battle in my mind just to exist. 

I've reached out to people I thought I trusted... yet I don't think they realise. . That I just want to cease to exist. I don't really want to die. .. but I can't live like this anymore. 

I feel like if something happened... even if it was just hospital again - people would say "i would have helped... I didn't know.... she seemed ok.... she told me it was bad but I thought it would pass"

Why doesn't anyone actually care until it's too late? I don't want It to be this way.. but theres only so much help I can ask for.. 

What's left to do when you feel like you're out of options? 

I guess I don't expect an answer. I just want something. .. I don't even know what... maybe just to feel like I'm not the only one who feels invisible. 

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[geoff]

dear Bluebird, hello and welcome to the site.

It seems as though it's been an uphill battle for such a long time, and in telling people they either don't really care or don't want to know about it, that's exactly what happens with depression, as we are virtually on our own, but all of this can change.

Firstly you are now on the site, where there are so many people who have been or still going through this horrible illness.

We all know what it feels like, irrespective of having all that we may want, because this doesn't mean a thing, our mind has been overtaken by depression, and no we can't stop it or avoid, and even after we may have overcome it, doesn't mean that we won't get it again, because we do.

Our friends or family can be oblivious to the fact that we are admitted to hospital, they scratch their heads and say 'why', which just shows how much they know about us.

OK there are several ways to cope with this, so I'll just mention them, ring BB phone number which is above as they are there 24/7, ring the web-chat also at the top, but you must go and see your doctor who can set up a medical plan, where you are entitled to 10 free visits to go and see a psychologist.

You can't cope with this by yourself, nor can you overcome it by yourself, because it will just string along, making your life utter hell.

I hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x