No more joy

[tashi]

I feel absolutely ridiculous writing this when I know how blessed I am in this life . I have a husband who supports me , two beautiful children and a roof over my head . I have been through some shit in this life , but along with everyone else right? But ive been making excuses for to long … its been a long week or the kids have been hard work today or im a bit under the weather , my low iron is causing me to be flat but if im being truly honest . I don’t remember the last time I felt true happiness or joy . I have to work really hard to pretend things are making me happy and I feel evil saying it . Even when I’m out experiencing life with my

family . Sometimes crippled in my bed scrolling my phone with not an ounce of energy yo get up . What on earth do I do from here . I feel so broken 

[Sophie_M]

Hi tashi,

Thank you for being so honest about how you’ve been feeling. What you’ve written does not sound ridiculous at all. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a heavy weight for a long time while also trying to keep going for everyone around you.

Having people you love and things to be grateful for does not cancel out depression or emotional pain. Many people feel guilt when they cannot access joy even though, from the outside, life looks okay. That does not make you evil or ungrateful. It means you are struggling and deserving of support.

The way you describe having to pretend to feel happy, feeling flat for a long time, and sometimes being stuck in bed with no energy suggests that this is having a real impact on your wellbeing. You do not have to keep managing this on your own. It would be a really good idea to check in with your GP and let them know just how long this has been going on and how much it is affecting your day to day life. Reaching out early can make a real difference.

You can also contact the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 if you would like to talk things through with a counsellor. If things start to feel even heavier or you need immediate support, Lifeline is available 24/7 on 13 11 14.

We’re really glad you posted here today. You are not broken, even if things feel that way right now. You deserve care and support with this.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

[therising]

Hi tashi

My heart goes out to you as you struggle with so many different feelings. Sometimes I think that if only I could put my finger on exactly what it is I'm feeling at times I could actually manage the way forward. 

While the absence of joyful amounts of dopamine has a feel to it (we can feel the depressing side effects), it's not always obvious what else can be absent in our life. While the absence of energising amounts of iron or B12 in our body has a feel to it (a depressing and debilitating lack of energy), the lack of what else energises us may also not be obvious. Took me decades to finally reach the conclusion 'I'm not broken. I'm simply feeling the absence of what I need, in order to be able to experience certain emotions'. Not always easy to work out what it is that we can feel is missing.

I believe 'Once a feeler/sensitive, always a feeler/sensitive'. Our ability to feel or sense isn't necessarily broken and I think this becomes a little clearer when we start to question stuff like

• Do I feel what truly inspires me? If the answer is 'No', then why not? Is there nothing truly inspiring going on to feel?
• Do I sense people seriously raising me? If the answer is 'No', the question can then be 'Why is no one raising me in ways I can actually sense?'
• Do I feel or sense what energises me? If the answer is 'No', the question becomes 'What's the perfect recipe for feeling or sensing more energy?' or 'What ingredients are missing?'. Further exploration may involve 'Are there physical or chemical elements missing? Are there certain mental elements missing? Are there any soulful kinds of elements missing?'

If plenty of energy is the feeling of life running through us, it can be so easy to sense what 'lifelessness' feels like when there seems to be only enough energy to keep our body functioning in basic ways. No energy for anything else and we can feel that. We can be incredibly grateful for all that we have and still feel next to no energy. That doesn't make us a bad person, it makes us a feeler/sensitive who's feeling and sensing in various ways.

[tashi]

Thank you for the reply . I’ve never been to a gp in regards to mental health and if I’m being honest I feel ridiculous. Will they want me to tell the my life story ? I feel like I’ve been past around the medical system chasing problems that don’t exist and I’m worried their going to blow me off 

[Ggrand]

Hello dear Tashi, 

There’s nothing to feel ridiculous about, depression doesn’t select its victims you could be rich. Have a nice big home, big family and still be depressed…. I feel sad that you can’t feel happiness and joy, because that’s something I can’t feel either, with me it just seemed  to fade away without me, even realising it. 

I gently urge you to reach out to your Dr. just let them know how youre feeling and how you’re thinking. Your doctor will probably ask you a series of questions,  that you answer . Honestly, so that they can  determine if your in depression and if so, the depth of your depression or anxiety.  the questions asked are about your feelings, not about your past traumas etc…all they want to know how seriously depressed you are. After the questions if your Dr. will evaluate your answers and then if they think that you will benefit with some professional help. Dr. will set you up on a mental health care plan that entitles you to 12 free counselling sessions a year…. if you do decide that you would like to do counselling with a professional, you are in control of the conversation at all times, that means that you don’t need to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about.

Its so important Dear Tasha, that you care for yourself the best you can..

My kindest thought Dear Tashi..

Grandy..

[FaithHopeLove]

hi you r nt alone, re the tired thing have u been 2 ur dr 4 blood tests u might be lacking something also i am nt sure where u live bt sunlight can be an issue 2 as vitamin d deficiency can cause tiredness. this aside i know wat u mean re feeling like should be thankful u know wat i have discovered & this is important is that u need 2 put ur own oxygen mask on u know that saying, i am reminded that its integral we take care of self first im nt sure wat that is 4u bt 4 me im thinking these times r a reminder 2 care 4 self do wat u love a hobbie etc 4 me i find Faith & Prayer help me there r Christian Prayer lines, i encourage u ur nt alone & take care of u as u deserve 2 take care

[Psychdiaries2]

Hi Tashi,

Thank you for reaching out to us, it's not easy so you should be proud of yourself for taking this step!

There is nothing to feel ashamed of, you can have things in your life that you're grateful for yet still struggle with feeling low. We're all human and we all get down and struggle. The important thing is you've recognised that you need support and are working on yourself to improve. 

I'm going to echo what the others have been saying and suggest to speak to your doctor and/or a counsellor to get the right support you need. May I ask if you have tried any coping strategies before and if so, what are they? I would be happy to suggest a few so you can give them a try and see if they work for you. I'm sure there are others who could give their perspectives also. 

It sounds like you are really grateful for your loved ones and love them a lot. May I ask, have you spoken to your husband about what you're experiencing right now? I know it can be hard to open up, but it is nice to get the weight off your chest by talking to someone in your life who is supportive. 

I hope you take care of yourself today. You are always welcome to reply on here. You aren't alone and we're here for you

[tashi]

Appreciate the time you took to reply , thank you 🙏 I did open up to my husbands and he did express he’s been a bit worried about me as it’s been months and months of me saying “ I’m just not feeling 100%” or “ I’m just feeling flat” . I told him I would look into speaking to someone , I’m just trying to pluck up the courage to make that move . I also live regionally and finding a doctor an or therapist that I just can be tricky and not always readily available. 
in terms of of coping mechanisms, I don’t think I’ve ever been aware that it’s probably my mental health that’s the problem not necessarily just life so I guess not ? I’ve never been diagnosed depression or anxiety, I saw a therapist briefly in my early twenties a long time ago . But full time work and two busy children I havnt had time to look after me , but as someone said above “ put my own oxygen mask on first “ I feel like I dont know how 

[FaithHopeLove]

hi Tashi re the oxygen mask reply do u have any fav activities such as art/craft sewing knitting exercise 

[tashi]

I enjoy reading and walking/listening to music . But it’s like my bodies frozen, I know I enjoy those things but I can’t muster the energy to do them even reading feels like a chore