No energy,no drive no purpose

[Terry_lost]

A year and a half ago i was diagnosed with depression at the time i had a beautiful home massive mortgage 2 beautiful little girls and a loving partner but i hit the drugs pretty hard as was working 7 days a week servicing mortgage and keep home and property in check i took myself away from home,family and bad influences to get clear and clean and left for 6 months solid whilst i was away partner decided after 15 years that it was over we sold the house and she moved into a rental with girls.All of last year i was a mess tryed numerous different jobs all over the country to try and find something to make me happy.Nothing worked.I am back where I started .When first diagnosed i was put on medication which helped went off them after a cupla months.Since coming back to be closer to daughters have had to move into my mums.Pretty shattered!About 4 weeks ago found myself back where i was a year and a half ago(no drugs though, clean) only worse have been put on a stronger does of medication for last 3 weeks but do not have any energy or drive to do anything can't even get any enjoyment with my girls don't want to work and feel like my whole purpose for being here is gone .I am seeing a psych and doing meditation but don't know where to go from here just feel like crawling into a hole.Used to be highly motivated and driven.Miss my partner and my family as a whole.I don't know what to do!

[white knight]

Ho Terry, welcome

First well done being clean. You have succeeded. Hang in there.

I kniw what its like to lose your full time fatherhood but hey, life has its diwners. My daughters were 7and4 when my mattiage split. Now this June I'll walk my eldest now 28yo, down the aisle...

It is really common for people to lose equity in house with large mortgage. Sounds tough but as you owed a lot on your home the bank was the real owner. So dont take it hard. Keep going with job seeking and be a good dad, thats it, expect nothing more. If your ambitions arent achievable then you'll get depressed.

Here is a few threads to read. Use google

Topic: meditation is a whirlpool- beyondblue

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Tony WK

[MarkJT]

Terry lost, sorry to hear that you have gone through what you have but i want to welcome you to the forums where we will do our best to give you advice and help guide you through. I want to see you seeing light again and away from the darkness that you are in.

I think first of all that you need to give yourself a few more weeks until the meds settle in. As you would know having been on meds before, they can take some time to settle and make us tired and fatigued. It was 9 weeks for me, being totally tired and fatigued but then came good and was heaps better.

As you have so much going on and to work out, I would work on one at a time. If you try and do everything at once, you are putting a fair bit of pressure on yourself and liable to falling down on a point or two but if you can get one thing squared away and then work on the next, it will be a lot easier on you. The key is working out what the most important is to the least important.

As hard as this sounds, you need to take your time with this. Don't rush through it. Your two little girls are still going to be there for many years to come. This is not to say that you cannot see them now and do things with them but the more stable you get, the better your health is going to be, the fun you are going to have with them. If you rush your recovery, you may stumble and put yourself back a step or two but if you take your time and do it right the first time, the end game will happen quicker.

You need to be super proud of staying clean off drugs - that is an enormous achievement and i congratulate you for that.

Keep posting and keep engaging with me and others who will pop in and say hello and offer advice.

Again, great that you are here.

Mark.

[Terry_lost]

thanks whit night

Good to hear your watching son get married,Out of everything that happened staying of drugs is a positive and I am workng i am a contractor but just don't have the energy too get to the jobs I am lucky the people I do work for are all very aware of my situation and r supportive.But i need to find some energy from somewhere patience only lasts so long.I know it is a step by step thing but when u have lost everything and then have depression on top of that its dam hard to see light in it all.I thought I had accepted the seperation but realise now im no where near it.U think about the what ifs a lot especially if I had of addressed my mental state a lot sooner would it have come to this?Mind Chatter sux!!

[Terry_lost]

Thanks Mark This is the first time in weeks Ive actually wanted to read or start to interact

So was reading posts today and thought why not.And about the meds I relise it will take time the first time I had them they seem to work a lot faster or it might be because so much has happened in the last year that Im feeling so much more lost this time as I said in intro I feel like i have no purpose.No home,No partner, broken!And feeling sorry for yourself doesnt help at all I know but its bloody hard not to.I know my girls will always be there but I still feel I have let them down with not being able to provide them with a stable home life and being in a bad mental state.

[geoff]

hello Terry, I can't say how sorry I feel for you, it's like a whirlwind has just spun you around so many times you can't get your footing, because to lose your partner, your girls and your house in such a short period is too overwhelming.
Now to start any movitation from a vague thought that you feel you should do is not going to happen because you will only procrastinate, it's doing things on the spur of the moment, out of the blue, when you would never think anything was going to happen.
No one ever knows why or when mental illness is going to strike us and when it does we do anything we can to try and numb our feelings, but mostly they aren't the ways that are our best choice, we never consider that at the time, but in the end the outcome is not what we would ever have hoped for, it happened with me using alcohol, and I too lost a marriage.
Remember your girls will always be there for you as they grow up, you haven't lost them, although there may not be signs of them wanting to reunite with you at the moment, but as they mature they will learn that you are their father.
The more you worry about not having any motivation the worse you will feel, because what it does is that it puts into a state of unhappiness and feeling hopeless, just take it day by day and from what has happened might not be lost, even though that's how you feel, and remember we are all too proud to admit to having depression to even the people we love. Geoff.

[white knight]

If your lack of energy is too overpowering return to your doctor and ask if a slight reduction if meds dosage would be ok.

[Terry_lost]

Thanks Geoff I still am seeing my girls regularly but am finding it hard to give them my energy as am struggling to find any for myself.And yeah everything happening in such a short period is hard to take and to have the mental stuff on top is a struggle.

[Terry_lost]

Yeah White Night I am trying to get in and see doc to talk about it

[MarkJT]

Terry, awesome that you have found the motivation to post but please do not feel any pressure to do so. We are here to support you, not to put pressure on you.

The support you are getting at work is golden and understand that you want to get things done now. Depression is one hell of a condition to kick so give yourself time. You, like thousands of others, including myself, will get on top of it.

I feel this because getting off drugs is very very difficult and you have done that. This is what gives me the belief that your strength is immense so you can do this.

Awesome to read to that you see your girls often - that is great.

Again, great to hear back.

Mark.