New to Sharing

[North_Star]

Hi, My name is Star and I am new to this whole forum/sharing about what I'm going through. I am feeling at a very low point in my life and I am having trouble finding any hope or passion about the future. This feeling is related to a depressive medical condition, and it is amplified by my external environment, living in Sydney in a house where I don't feel like I can fully flow to my own rhythm. I have trouble being around other people when I am like this.

I feel lost, sad and unable to believe that the future will get any better. It is my hope that by sharing my experience with other people who are going through similar things, that I will feel a sense that I am not alone. Despite working in a creative field, true expression is something that I struggle with - when other people are involved. I have a lot of difficultly authentically expressing myself when I feel "negative." My outlet for this so far has been through writing in a journal, but this is not shared with anyone. I'm hoping that by sharing my feelings and experiences with others, this will help me heal.

[smallwolf]

North Star,

Hi and welcome to beyond blue I like your name by the way. I hope that you find your time here (no matter how short/long will prove beneficial to yourself. And short/long are both relative terms. One of the nice things I find about writing in this space is that can also get feedback from other users in the community. I like to think of the people here as belonging to a community that helps each other. And I think that you have taken a "positive" step by coming here and sharing a little about yourself. In this this, also know that you are not alone.

Can you tell me what or why you are "having trouble finding any hope or passion about the future"? I also noticed that you mentioned external factors also playing a role in this.

Can you also tell me more about "true expression"? Is it because if how you think others might look at you or ???

Lastly, what tips and tricks do you have to help you ride the waves of depression? (There are pages on the forum on grounding, mindfulness etc that you might be interested in? When I first came here, I didn't really know where to look until my own thread was moved from one section to the next. And then some kind people told me about the social area as well.)

Welcome again, and hope to hear from you ,

Tim

[North_Star]

Hi Tim,

Thanks for your response. It's nice to be able to reach out in this forum.

Yes, I am having a lot of trouble finding where my passion for life went. It seems I've really lost my sparkle and I really miss the person I used to be and fear I have lost that person forever. My hope for the future is basically non-existent. I know that that sounds very bleak, but it is how I feel. Yes, there are external factors, and, it seems there are so many that I no longer feel in control of the direction my life is going.

One of the biggest factors is my relationship. I was married two years ago to my parter who is Australian (I'm from Canada). The marriage happened very quickly and we hadn't been together for that long when we got married. While I am happy with him a lot of the time, I find there are many moments when I have major doubts about what I'm doing. There are many ways in which we are incompatible and I feel devastated and racked with guilt a lot for leaving my mom and dad in Canada. My husband is really bad with money and, at the age of 40 has no savings, living pay check to pay check, which, as he is an artist, are unpredictable and far between - all the while we are renting a share house in Sydney with people in their twenties. This is not how I imagined my life would turn out. I feel like there is no security for the future, I feel out of control and this has made me lose a lot of hope for a future I feel inspired by or happy about.

I suppose "True Expression" has been hard for me because I don't like the person I am right now, so I don't want to express that person to the outside world. I feel embarrassed by my dark thoughts and scared of what people think because people know me as a "nice, positive person." I don't want to alienate myself further from people by expressing this side of me, especially when I don't feel like I have a solid support network here. I really miss my family, and a lot of my friends have moved back to their home countries. I have trouble expressing my "true self" to my husband even because he does not seem capable/interested in connecting with me when there are intense emotions involved. Which makes me feel infinitely alone.

Yes, I've got many strategies that help me ride the waves of depression. Writing in my journal helps a lot when I can get the energy to do it. Creating art helps, having baths helps, hula hooping helps and so does dancing. Being around other people does not help - it often makes it worse.

[smallwolf]

North Star,

It seems like you sacrificed a lot for this marriage. Leaving friends and family in Canada.

Do you talk much with your parents still? Skype? Whats App? Not the same as being there but... Maybe you could set some monies aside to go back and visit one day? You said that you worked in creative areas in your first post. Is your income more reliable? Have you spoken with your husband about where things are going, and how you are feeling?

I get what you mean by true expression. I am studying also, but took this term off. There were only 2 subjects on offer, one of which was art and theology. One of the reason I decided against that subject was because of "dark thoughts and scared of what people think because people know me as a "nice, (positive) person."" I tend to see the opposite of what others would see in a painting. And when it comes to interacting with other people, there are a few that get to know the real me.

Losing connections like you mentioned with friends moving away would increase the loneliness. Though it does distress me that you husband appears disinterested when emotions are involved. Can you think of anyone that you might be able to confide in here? True friendship vs ???? The fear in not knowing how they might respond? I cannot tell you what you should do. I found most people as supportive. Some not so. And I am aware that I am probably one of the lucky ones?

Are there ways in which you might be able to have a little more independence? Hobbies? or other social groups? I guess, something that might allow you to create new connections? This might sound a it odd given then final sentence in your last post. But you also seem to be looking for a solid support network?

Transformation or healing is possible. It just takes time. Unfortunately. And we don't know how long either.

Off topic... are you a dancer? Or is that merely a distraction? And if you want to chat about anything else that might be a distraction, like movies, music, books etc.

Hope you sleep well,

Tim

Tim