New member - unsure if it is depression Ive got

[SykoticOrka]

It's late for me and I'm not sure if I'll be on to see replies.

I've been debating whether or not I should even be here, but considering that things don't seem like they're getting better what choice do I have?

I've tentatively done the self-diagnoses regarding depression, and I do know that there are several symptoms that are persisting.

For starters, I've pretty much lost all desire to do the things I once enjoyed. I've spent the last few hours being unable to write or draw anything. In the past I loved it. For the past several months the interest has been waning. I remember what it was like to enjoy myself and this makes it worse for me knowing that I used to have fun.

I have work tomorrow but I don't feel like it anymore. I have little desire to work and be a productive member of society, even though I know it's better than sitting around being a bludger. I can't make the effort to better myself.

I feel heavy, fatigued. Sometimes achy. Easy to feel irritable and I get annoyed at small things. I have little to look forward to. Even sleeping feels meh because I know I have to get up the next day, and for what?

A lot of the time I feel nothing is there. And when I do have feelings, the happiness is fleeting and my anger is somewhat... well, it involves self-harm. The pain I cause for myself somehow makes me angrier.

And there's the negative self-talk. I rarely encourage myself or tell myself I'm awesome or whatever. When

I get angry over stupid stuff I tell myself I'm worthless, stupid, pathetic, etc. That I'm not good enough, I'm always screwing things up and I shouldn't even bother trying to make it better because what's the point?

I'm not suicidal. I haven't had a suicidal thought in ten years, not since I moved away from home. I had a really bad time back then with, well, it wasn't referred to as depression, but I had to take medication to help me cope. Until they made me stop feeling things and I quit them, and my GP left to go on maternity leave for several months and I hate HATE changing doctors. So I never went back and just dealt with it.

Beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[AGrace]

Hi Sky,

Welcome to Beyondblue.  You are here amongst the support of so many compassionate and understanding people who have experienced or are experiencing similar situations as yours. We only hope that we can provide you with an ear to listen, a heart to show you empathy, and a mind to offer advice through personal experience. 

Self diagnosis is a bit tricky. We often here the symptoms of a condition and think "That's exactly how I feel." The trouble with this is that there are a number of mental illnesses that share common symptoms. For some conditions depression itself can be a symptom rather than the overarching problem. A medical opinion is usually the safest option.

I hear that you dont like changing Drs, is there a reason for this? When your Dr went on maternity leave was someone chosen to fill her place?

You mentioned that you used to enjoy art but find it difficult to get any real pleasure from it now. Have you considered doing an art therapy group as an outpatient? This way rather than just focusing on the joy of art you can use it as an expression of how you feel. 

Its incredible that you've found a way to overcome the suicidal thoughts for the past 10 years, how did you manage this? As you probably know self harm is a rather destructive coping mechanism.  Its usually a sign of turning our feelings, such as anger, inward rather than getting angry at others. Especially when we can't find a reason for this anger. I self harmed more than half my life, and its now been 4 weeks since my last attempt. There is help for this. Some of the things that have worked for me are: wearing an elastic band all the time on your wrist so that you can flick this as a less invasive measure, renaming self harm (for me its called wanting to kick a football) this helps me manage the urges better, holding ice cubes instead, running or speed walking to exhaust the tension, drawing on my arm with a washable red marker.

Telling a Dr your entire story can be exhausting and takes a lot of trust. I can understand that it would be difficult to do a 2nd time around. (I've had to change Psychiatrists 5 times). The greater the effort the greater the outcome. I do encourage you to try to see an alternate Dr. In the interim keep posting here and dont forget Beyondblue's call centre and web chat, as well as their range of resources. 

I look forward to hearing back from you, and hang in there with work.

AGrace

[geoff]

dear Syk, thanks for posting a comment here on this site, and I am so pleased that AGrace has responded first of all.

Can I also mention that a large majority of people on this site are still fighting depression, but they have come on board to reply to others and then support, advice or offer suggestions to those who are seeking help, so I take my hat off to all of them.

I'm sorry to say that you definitely have depression, without any doubt, but what concerns me is that you are self harming yourself to relieve your depression.

I can't tell you not to do this, because I'm not physically there with you, and just as others do this I wish that I could be present with you and all the others, because I would love to solve this problem as best as I could do, but I can't so we are back to square one.

There are so many different antidepressants now ranging from SSRI to SNRI and if one doesn't help you then there's another one to try, I know that this is a real pain, having to dry out and then start a new one and then coping with any side-effects, but it's essential that you back and seek help.

Your post is only young so please keep replying back to us. Geoff.

[Mares73]

Dear Syk I agree with Goffs comments above. And Geoffrey is highly regarded as he has been through the ringer & come out of on the other side. He kindly stays around to help the rest of us. You are no doubt explaining classic symptoms of depression & before it gets any worse you really need to see a GO & start a course of antidepressants.  You should hopefully be amazed at how much they can help once you've found the best one for you. That really is Step 1. We can discuss so much more but I think getting to a GP & starting medication is your top priority. Love Mares x