Sorry. I have severe depression and anhedonia, and anxiety. I'm currently undergoing ECT and an MAOI antidepressant for it (but the treatment's only been ongoing for less than a month, so improvements are negligible). I'm sorry. I really can't think.
I made a list of things I've felt/thought that might seem strange to another person, even with clinical depression, then I trimmed it down a bit to just the things I just really can't rationalize..
Sometimes, especially right after I mess up socially, I self-harm because I feel like an absolute worthless idiot who deserves to be hurt.
I think, and am extremely uncomfortable with the idea that everyone just thinks I'm perfectly normal, and that I'm just a terrible, lazy, incredibly dull person. I'm always apologizing to sort-of communicate that this isn't a part of my personality, and that I really do hate how I am and how I think.
I'm constantly internally (and sometimes when
I' m alone, externally) telling myself to shut up because I hate all my thoughts and can't stand listening to myself and how I think when I'm like this.
I have a tendency to get disproportionately angry and stressed, to the point of violence and/or self-harm, for no real reason.
I occasionally consider the possibility that my p-doc/s, and/or my family might be working towards making sure I never get better, like they might be spiking my food with something that causes
severe depression, or they might be trying to prevent any chance I might have at remission/potentiation by maybe giving me placebos, or the food spiking, or something else. There've been times where I've put things on the inside of my door before I sleep, so I'll know if it's been opened, or discarded my food without anyone knowing, and even searched parts of my house for suspicious substances
