New Member Anxiety/ Depression mini story

[Cocotree]

Hi there,

I needed to write my feelings down or thoughts more so. I suffer from Generalised Anxiety and Depression. I've had this since i was in High school, i had several panic attacks where it causes vomiting and i don't eat for a few days. I have ended up in hospital previously as it got bad at one stage i didn't eat anything for 4 days straight barley any water and i was continually throwing up as well. The doctor just gave me IV drips and advised i needed to see a psychologist. I already was previously when it first began, i was not aware of what it was in beginning and went to seek help from a GP he then referred me.

I'm 21 this year i have had a great ease for a few months then i keep getting randomly sucked into the ugly cycle of depression. It would randomly arise and i just struggle under the weight of it, i am still seeing my psychologist (i had taken a break due to covid-19, but had messaged him to make an appt). My mother also has anxiety and i find it hard to communicate with her when i am like this, the rest of my family don't understand what to do or cope with me when im like this. So i tried to pretend when i am near them, i put on a fake smile. I have a best friend who helps me generally during these times, however, i have no one else!... i can't talk to anyone else about this and i also feel the sense of burden that my anxiety or depression can have. I am currently studying in my 4th year of Bachelors for teaching, i don't want to take medication as i know there are side affects of it such as addiction. I don't want to cope that way, i tried natural supplements that are supposed to calm the mind and overall balance of mood. I am honestly just really tried, i feel trapped, weak, hopeless and very anxious. The crazy thing is I'm so mindful aware of what i should do, or could do but i lack the incentive or energy to do this. Honestly i am just tried of having to repeat this ongoing cycle, it never leaves me alone i'll be really good and control it for a few months for example; 6, then i'd spiral from something random, like family issues, or stress from everyday life. This is just a brief summary of my story, thank you for anyone who was able to read this!

Are there any support groups i can join? to have people to chat to about this? any Suggestions?

[Kike]

Hi Cocotree,

Reading your note, I am under the impression that you are a young person with a great potential.

Depression and anxiety can be overcome if you have the right professional advice and you work hard to help yourself. Start by focusing on what you control and managing your energy and time effectively. Make sure that you sleep well, consider having a healthier diet, exercising, and surround yourself with people that have positive impact on your life. People that you love, admire, and respect.

[Cocotree]

Hi Kike,

Thank you firstly for replying. I do try and get sleep regularly but when i spiral into depressive cycles like now, i have insomnia then and can't sleep. Could you also clarify what you mean by right professional advice? does this mean the current psychologist i am seeing or not?

[Mads_]

Hi!

After reading this I have realised we, in some ways are quite similar. I too suffer from gad, depression and panic disorder and I wish to be a teacher. I am a little younger than you however.

How do you feel about your psychologist? Do you feel they are a good fit for you personally? There are so many times where people are discouraged from seeing them/getting the wrong kind of advice, because their professional isn't right for them.

I understand your take on medication, you don't want the side effects and often people say it 'takes away a bit of your personality', however, sometimes just the smallest dose of a medication can made the world of difference. This has happened with a few friends and relatives of mine, and they didn't experience any/little side effects, with professional help.

I also understand that it is hard to talk to family about this, it feels like a very intimate issue and sometimes, talking about it to those closest to us can be very uncomfortable. Yet, putting on a fake smile is also very hard, and can have some bad effects. You don't want to bottle it up too much in front of others, because that may make you feel worse, suffering in silence. I would recommend attempting to talk to some family about it, If you are safe and comfortable with it. You never know, you and your mother may be able to relate to each other (with the anxiety) and help each other out.

Having a steady support system is a very important thing to have in order to not 'spiral' I have learned. This can comprise of family, friends, professionals, anyone you trust. Grounding exercises while you feel yourself 'spiralling' is also a good way to remind yourself everything will be okay, and that it will pass.

As for the sleep, I have used melatonin to fix my sleep during depressive episodes. I find it less harsh than prescribed medicines, however, it gives me nightmares. I find that I only have to take it for one or two nights though. GP's and psychologists can help with insomnia techniques to go off to sleep, that are very effective as well.

I hope this helped a little bit, I wish you all the best xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Cocotree~

Welcome. Reading thorough your story I can well understand why you might feel trapped in a cycle of feeling better then feeling very down. After all you have had anxiety and depression for a long time now, starting at school and becoming so ill you had to be on a drip, and on until now at your 4th uni year.

At times it must have been a truly horrible life, and even during the good times there was always the possibility at the back of your mind it would not last. Not having parents to help just makes it worse. I too have worn a mask, and found that while it helps stop talk of serious things it only makes one feel more isolated and unsupported as time goes on.

May I ask what you meant by "I'm so mindful aware of what i should do,"?

I am sure you have realy tried, and taken complimentary medicine and anything else you can think of. Sadly it does not necessarily work just by your own efforts. I never improved until I had competent medical support and therapy (which did and still does include medication).

I'm now in a much better place, and can live a life where I can control (well mostly) my condition and deal with the things that go wrong without them plunging me right down again.

I'm very glad you have a friend to support you, and I'm also glad you accept the idea of talking with a therapist. Being alone makes it worse.

Frankly I'm not sure you are right about medications. True there are some problems as different people react in different ways. It took me a long time to find the type and dosage that worked for me, now it is simply a part of life, I don't even give it much thought. I still have visits to a psychiatrist too, though they are more of a safty valve than anything else.

Sleep is a problem, and when you are down you have not only the effects of depression, but over-tiredness too.

May I suggest you take a fresh look at your treatments, explain how you feel now, trapped, weak, hopeless and very anxious with lack of sleep too. The things that trigger this as well. Perhaps be prepared to let your doctor trial medication. Life, as I have found, can be so much better and more stable

The idea of a support group can be a good one, unfortunately here inside this Forum we cannot help, however if you ring our 24/7 Help line on 1300 22 4636 they may be able to tell you what organization in your area might know of one. Anther avenue of information might be though your doctor or psych.

I hope you come back and talk some more

Croix

[Cocotree]

Hi Mads_

Thanks for your reply, i am okay with my psychologist he is quite helpful when i do speak to him he helps to clarify a lot for me. Recently with his help, i actually was able to speak to my mother and it surprisingly went well she listened to me talked and encouraged me to keep talking to her. It did take a lot out of me though i was really anxious to do point were i kept getting sudden outburst of tears or nausea. But i still tried to push through as suggested by my psychologist. I am still in a dark spiral though and am struggling under the weight of it, i dont eat anymore barley and i keep trying to throw up when there's nothing to throw up. It's very exhausting knowing i have a long way to go and a long battle ahead i want to give up at many times but instead try and force myself to still go to work (im a disability support worker) or do things for the family.

P.s sorry for late response, i only now had a free chance amongst the chaotic mayham.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Cocotree,

We're sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment. In addition to the support of your peers here on the forum, we've sent you a private message with some additional support. We hope that reach out if you feel like things are too much.

[Cocotree]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your reply to my post, i have recently spoken to my psychologist therefore, i have recently opened up to my mother about my anxiety and depression issue. She took it surprisingly well, and encouraged me to keep open communication with her as she would like to listen and help me. Breaking down that wall i built even slightly was so hard, i was so anxious and was literally having some outburst of crying or wanting to puke, but i still forced myself to have the conversation which was well overdue. When i said i was "mindful" i know that i should be eating to get slightly better i guess or that everyone keeps telling me i need to find "coping methods" or learn to "let go of fears" It's not easy nothing seems to be, when i try hard then get back up in morning to only repeat same cycle of throwing up or having a deep dark pang in my chest, it leaves me feeling extremely defeated and hopeless. I have spoke to my psychologist about medication he has suggested i first try the methods his suggested in relation to "avoidance issues" then the assess the need for it. I am slowly trying to stem away from the first initial perception i had placed on anti- depressants though after talking with my mother as she supported it and said it's okay to take it if you need to. I haven't been able to eat properly at all recently i wake up feeling so anxious and like throwing up (when there's nothing to throw up) . As everyone says there's always a light at the end of the tunnel but i find that light is so far from me i am not capable to reach it, each time i put a foot in front trying to climb out of this dark tunnel i plumage deeper and darker into the tunnel. I am still pushing myself to go to work as a form of distraction, i have a lot of uni work which has unfortunately piled up as well which adds to my plate of stress. I was recently advised as well that i "act and sound like a 40 year old with a family and kids, whereas i am 20" without realising i have put 20 years worth of stress, responsibility and pressure which i find very hard to shake off. Trying to discover myself, what helps me cope or what to do next in this current situation is leaving me feeling more anxious and tired. I hope i can get there, i don't know how or when.

P.s Sorry for late response and thank you for reaching out!