New Here - Nobody to Talk To.

[Derit]

Battled depression most of my life and I've run out of steam and help. I don't know how to Not Lie about how I feel. Despite everyone saying they understand and accept, they don't. So I lie everyday and hope I'm going to wake up dead. I'm not going to physically harm myself but I am so miserable. I've always taken my prescribed medication but I don't believe it works. I'm tired, bitter and hate myself. I think I know what I need but the Government Doctors can't or won't provide it and I can't afford it. I have a wife and 2 sons who I adore and they do their best for me but they can't control me enough. I need 4 weeks or more in a boot camp where I'm told when to get up and what to eat and when to exercise all day every day. I'm an ex serviceman and know I need that structure. I only eat savoury food and hate vegetables and need to be taught how to prepare edible vegetables. I'm done going to my Doctor, Counselor and Psychiatrist. Maybe just blowing off steam here will help.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Derit, 

Thank you for introducing yourself and welcome to our online community. We're sorry to hear that you feel done with seeking help through your doctor, counsellor and psychiatrist. We understand how tiring it is when you are doing everything that you are instructed to by your support team such as taking medication every day, and you are not feeling that there is an improvement in your mental health. Please know that you are not alone in this. Many members of our community have felt similarly at some point in their journey.

We want to let you know that we appreciate you confirming your safety with us. However, it's concerning that you are feeling so miserable. Can we ask if you have let your prescribing doctor know how you are feeling about your current medication?

You may be interested in taking a look at our page "Journey to wellness" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well/journey-to-wellness

Local councils sometimes offer healthy cooking classes for free or low cost as a community service. It might be worth checking out the website of yours to find out what they offer. 

We would also strongly urge that if you are feeling overwhelmed that you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We do hope that it helps to share your story here and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel up to it.

[Derit]

I've been around this cycle so many times. I've always told the Doctors I don't think the tablets work. They can't change my situation or outlook. I coped and looked after myself from 6 to 50+ always working and pushing the thoughts to the back of my head. Looking after others better than myself. One of the things I've recently learned about myself from my Psych is I have a form of OCD and I need to do and understand things my way. I need to lose a tone of weight and learn how to exercise again. I don't like talking to people and I hate asking for help for myself. Looks like I'll just continue to smile and say, yeah I'm OK.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Derit and welcome to the BB forums

I'm sorry that you're finding things so hard, and good on you for coming here to talk about them with others who are struggling too. Getting help can indeed be uncomfortable, but so can staying stuck, right? I wonder if thinking through why it's hard, and what might make it easier, might be helpful? It's ok to not be ok, we're all human and struggling in our own ways.

You've also mentioned some things which it sounds like may help you to feel better about yourself. Are there any things you can put in place yourself, or with the help of your family, to begin with? Sometimes even baby steps can give us momentum to move forward. Setting an exercise alarm? At 7am my alarm will go off and I will do ten push ups. This week I'll watch some youtube videos and learn how to make a breakfast smoothie or a vegetable omelette, and next week I'll incorporate that into my morning routine. Whatever works for you.

Anyway just some ideas. It's certainly not easy being unwell and at times can feel really overwhelming. Feel free to chat more, or browse around the forums to hear other people's experiences. Katy

[geoff]

Hello Derit, no matter what type of OCD you are struggling with will affect how and why you are able to carry out your day and happy to talk to you about this disorder, as I too have been suffering from this for a long time.

There is an online test for OCD so if you can copy and paste this in your search browser 'online test for OCD', may help you understand a little more.

I have obsessions and compulsions that are part of this disorder which actually comes from anxiety, so it involves so many different aspects attached to your daily life and may include having 'intrusive thoughts', or unwanted thoughts that plague your personality, so please ask any question you would like to ask.

Remember you're not alone and help from those who also have it, is available.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[amberlite]

I hear you and I feel you and it was terribly smart of you to log on and post - Because you are a smart survivor. I read the posts above me and they are all a lot better at hitting the care mark. I care but I think you want it right between the eyes. So whatever is happening you gotta Adapt to succeed. Set up your own routine and use that OCD to help you succeed. Read books on what you want and not on what you have. Motivation books, 4 ingredient salads, scull water like it's a competitive sport, reignite your warrior, get in touch with old work mates, just push yourself to Adapt and meet each day on good terms.

[Derit]

I've done all the right things for over 50 years and my head space never really changed, my family including Cats are the only things that have helped me cope but now I'm forcibly retired because of my mental health I have too much time and no money. I cannot (don't see the point) do this shit anymore. I need to be told what and when to do stuff day by day by someone who I'll listen to. The way I see it is even If I do get fit and healthy I'll still be unemployed/unemployable and broke so why would I want to live any longer anyway. I'm hanging in there for my family because after my last attempt I promised I wouldn't do it again because I've seen first hand the damage so I just keep hoping for a heart attack or something else natural.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Derit,

Thank you for sharing so openly with us here today. We know it isn't easy but it is important that you have. The mental health professionals at our support service are attempting to reach out to you as we are worried about you. Please don't hestitate to reach out to them on 1300 22 4636 directly anytime day or night. 

Remember if ever you feel like you're at risk of harm, it is an emergency and you should call 000 straightaway.

Please check in here and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

[Derit]

Hi Geoff, must've missed your post before, my OCD is mostly intrusive thoughts and a few other things. I have been diagnosed by a Psychiatrist and for the first time I understood a few things, like, I can't do things unless I understand my way and the fact I'm a perfectionist makes it even harder. If I do stuff for myself it doesn't matter if I fail or make a mess but it's when I do stuff for other people, it has to be 100% or I melt down even though people don't even put pressure on me, I do it all myself. I've tried volunteering but they don't like people coming in and saying I'll do it my way and I don't have the patience anymore to explain how my head works let alone telling my life story to try and explain why I'm like this. Most the time I don't understand myself.