Need tools to escape depression

[NannyK]

Hi Everyone,

A bit of background first. I've been diagnosed with Agoraphobia, Depression and PTSD as well as suffering from akathesia and am neurodivergent. I have had therapy to deal with these things and have tools that I use to help. Due to the akathesia I can't take SSRIs. I also suffered chronic pain in both my knees for 15 years that caused a lot of depression and as a result I became suicidal. A few years back I had surgery to replace my knees and blessedly, no more pain. My previous bouts of depression had morphed straight to suicidal thoughts, and all the therapy has dealt with that specifically. My current dilemma. I have over the last year lost all interest in everything. I do nothing and get frustrated and cranky when I have to do anything. I don't feel things how I used to mostly I'm just "meh". Now it has got to the point where I just lay in bed, I don't sleep and am not tired. I have a very vivid imagination, and I go off into that. Something I did all the time as a kid to escape what happening around me. I rarely shower, brush my teeth, cook, clean or any of the things I normally do. I recognise I am depressed but do not know how to get out of this. I function well with routines, and they have always been very important to me to function properly, but I can't seem to get back into it. Previously, therapy for my depression we only looked and helping with my suicidal thoughts and tools around that. This is the first time in my life I have felt this way. I have no tools or for some reason can't modify the tools I have to help. My doctor of 25 years has retired, and I have got a new one now and he doesn't understand why I can't use SSRIs. My akathesia goes crazy and I can't sleep at all or function properly due to lack of sleep and I can't sit or stand or remain still in any way. I can't afford to see a therapist and the waiting list is long for a free or cheaper one. What I would like to know is how to get back into my routines and habits of self-care and care for my home environment. I know if I can do this, I will be ok but can't seem to get it started. I know this is my escape but currently do not know what it is I am escaping. My life is ok and no major stressors but this. Sometimes I think I am escaping my escape. What tools have others used with depression to help them get back their self-care?

[therising]

Hi NannyK

It's definitely a catch 22 when feeling next to no energy in motion (e-motion). When there are no significant feelings fueling us or pushing us to generate more energy, there can be that horrible and incredibly frustrating stuck feeling. As a 55yo gal I've been feeling that exact feeling lately, along with the thought 'There's got to be more to life than this (what I'm currently doing). I'm wasting precious time'. 

While we could address all the things that give us that much needed energy to get moving or give us that extra oomph in life, there can still be the feeling that something key is seriously missing. So, while we could gain good quality energising sleep, eat all the right foods, drink plenty of water to (hydro) power the cells, invest in exercise for some kinetic energy and so on, I've found it's more of a soulful lacking that really gets me. Whether it's a lack of inspiring goals, a lack of understanding when it comes to what my challenges are really about or a lack of something else that positively fuels the soul, such a lack can become depressing. 

While I believe one of the greatest gifts given to us in life is the imagination, it can be highly underutilised. To enter into it and to be able to see, hear, smell, taste and feel is what can make it so vivid and so helpful at times. To go into it is one thing but to go into it looking for answers/solutions and come out of it with such things is next level stuff. Call it exercising the imagination or call it a form of meditation, either way going into it and meeting with what or who you imagine will give you what you need is one way to manage the way forward. Sounds a bit out there but I've found it works for me more often than not. 

Choose what the person who's going to give you the answers or way forward looks like, choose exactly what the gateway into your imagination looks like, when in there then choose what the path toward your meeting point looks like, choose what the meeting point itself looks like (the surrounds) and then meet with he or she which is going to give you the answer/s or way forward. Choose your question/s and then let the answer/s come to mind without thinking. Do you hear the answer or do you see it as a visual thing? Then come back out of your imagination with the answer/s to your question/s and sit with that and make sense of it. This can take a bit of practice or you might be an absolute natural at it. In my imagination, I meet with my imagined sage who looks somewhat like a cross between Gandalf from Lord of the Rings and Dumbledore from Harry Potter 😁. I should add that gaining insight through the imagination is one thing, taking that insight and putting it into some form of action is another. Without action, we are just sitting there imagining or being hard on ourself while nothing changes.

'The in-between' (who we were and who we're going to be) is the toughest place to be at times, that's for sure.

[NannyK]

Hi therising,

I have done this in the past but spent the afternoon looking at what could be the cause using this method then discussed with my sister to organise my thoughts better and to get some input and feedback from her. She reminded me of some issues, and I recalled some from when I was younger. I grew up with a mother that was a hoarder. I have issues with clutter. I need everything to be orderly and in its right place. I function better when this is the case. I also need structure and routines. This grounds me. It makes dealing with the chaos outside my door and life in general easier to cope with.

I live in government housing. Six years ago, I moved from a four bedroom house that I raised my children in who had grown and moved out to start their own lives. I was moved into a smaller home as the bigger one was no longer needed. This house is lovely for just me. It is two bedroom and very small (compared to the last house). Now my house is very cluttered with stuff and over the years I have gotten rid of heaps, but it is still very cluttered. It isn't so much furniture but just stuff. Now given what I need to feel grounded and cope in my home environment I believe it is the clutter I am escaping from.

I know what I need to do for example go through and declutter my house, but I can't seem to make myself do anything. Previously making lists of what needs to be done used to help but now I make a list, and I am overwhelmed by it. Take personal care for instance. I make a list of the things I absolutely have to do every day and say I get 10 things. I find it is too much and I escape again. If I start with say brush teeth daily, then I think about those other nine things that I'm not doing, and it just goes on and on. I'm doing my head in just writing this. I suppose I need a starting place and I can't figure it out cause It's like it just gets too hard to deal with for some reason and so I don't. But this won't fix itself to help get me out of this depression I need to declutter but to declutter I have to do it and I can't. Am I in my head to much now or can someone see something I can't or has been through similar and if so, what did you do to help. Action is what's needed but I can't seem to put anything into action.

[therising]

Hi NannyK

Apologies for taking so long to get back to you. I've only now received a notification in regard to you having responded to my post. Glitches in the forums. They're working on it.

It's been said that it's human nature to gravitate toward what is most satisfying, as opposed to doing what's necessary. This way stress is avoided, pressure on the nervous system and other physical systems in our body is avoided/managed. It can be the body's way of preserving itself. Avoidance basically feels good for us but our mind may tell us otherwise. When the body and mind are in conflict, it's definitely not easy to deal with. 

Not sure whether you can relate but my inner dialogue can just about do my head in at times and I believe this is a part of my greatest struggle in life. I'll take my bedroom for example. Btw, while my husband and I still live together, we sleep in separate rooms and my room resembles an absolute disaster area. There's just enough room on the bed for me to sleep and a narrow path leading to the wardrobe. The rest is covered in stuff, as I sort through an accumulation of things I've accrued over the years and stuff I've gradually retrieved from my mum's house (with her having passed away about 6 months ago). The room is a dumping ground and a shocker. 

• A part of me dictates 'You are absolutely hopeless. Look at this place, it's disgusting' (my inner critic)
• A part of me dictates 'This is way too much to manage. You can't do it on top of everything else you've got going on' (my inner stresser)
• A part of me dictates 'Don't worry about it' (the carefree part of me)
• A part dictates 'You're never going to be able to manage this' (the pessimist in me)

and on it goes. I do have really helpful facets of me that sound more like 'Why don't you grid the room and work on it that way. Work on small sections at a time. Eventually it'll all get done' or 'Why don't you manage just 10 minutes worth at a time. With enough time you'll get it done'. But no, it feels so much better to just not manage at all. It feels like a relief, even though I'm led to feel ashamed of myself at times thanks to my brutal inner critic. 

In the past I've found how to manage something thoughtlessly to be the key to managing at times. Sometimes it works brilliantly and sometimes I just can't do it. To take a single thought, such as 'I need to go and brush my teeth' or 'I need to spend 5 minutes cleaning the bedroom' and not think beyond that but just act sounds easy but it's not always that easy. There can be some part of us that can lead us to think our way out of doing it. 'Don't worry, brush your teeth during the next lot of tv commercials' or 'Just work on the room later'. I laugh while thinking back to my days as a Catholic, when it comes to 'Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil'. While that sounds ridiculously intense when it comes to simply brushing teeth or cleaning a room, whatever it is or whatever part of us it is than tempts us to simply avoid things, is what it is that can be putting us through an inner hell at times, where we can become so incredibly hard and down on ourself. Falling asleep in the chair before the next tv commercial can be what fuels my inner critic first thing in the morning, 'You didn't brush your teeth. You're absolutely hopeless'. Btw, a more divine and less hellish part of me may insist 'Don't take it so seriously. Now go brush your teeth' 😁. Yes, it's very chatty up there in my head. I've actually found it rather amazing when it comes to just how many people I know who can relate.