Need help out of a mental hole

[SamonFish]

Hi guys, it would be nice if you could give your 2 cents on this. Thanks in advance.

I have been struggling on how to show my emotions in a concise yet orderly manner. Currently I am completing my HSC. As a normal year 12 student, I know that it is natural for you to feel stressed about your final year in school. My mom has been the sole cause of my depression and dark thoughts. She screams and swears at me for being an idiot. I am trying to improve my grades in which I have successfully have in Economics and German to an 88% and 85% respectively compared to my 65% average in year 11. However, she only focuses on the subjects that are still bad (Math Ext 1 and English Adv). She tells me she wants to see results but that isn't possible since I only took 1 assessment due to our pre-trials being canceled by the coronavirus. I thought that she would see an increase in my Economics and German and encourage me but that never happened. She constantly tells me that I am not going to be able to go to university. Other day when I told her I want to go overseas for university and that I would take out the student loan and sort it out, she just laughed at my face. Then she kept on putting me down with her comments and when I told her I was still going to apply she got physical and screamed at me. Other day she told me she'd be dipping and leaving me to fend for myself for the rest of the year and my life. She also blames me for her horrible marriage relationship (btw don't know if this is tmi but my dad cheated on her in the past and found out). Even though she's dipping, I have to move out on the day of the final HSC exam because by then the rent would be done. I wanted to bring this up with my other family members however, there was a rant couple days ago about mental health in which they believe that mental health only effects the weak or the mentally ill or psychopaths. This made me think that I was abnormal. Thus, I felt uncomfortable to share my thoughts to them. I have had dark thoughts comeback to me from the past. I am scared about how I would support myself after my HSC financially. I feel insecure about my future.

Btw if you have any knowledge on student loan or youth allowance leave your suggestions.
Thanks a lot again.

[Sophie_M]

Hi SamonFish,
  Welcome to our friendly online Beyond Blue community - we are so glad you decided to reach out here tonight. We're so sorry to hear about what's happening at home. It sounds like a really tough situation with your mum. Please know that you don't have to go through this alone, there is help available to you. We are getting in touch with you privately to offer some extra support. 

We would strongly recommend that you get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/  It sounds like you're in a really difficult situation and it might help to talk it out with a counsellor. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 via telephone or webchat.

It would be worth getting in touch with an organisation called Headspace. Headspace is an organisation specifically for young people aged 12-25 and they offer a wide range of services including counselling and group programs. They will have the best information on helping someone of your age find the best support financially. They also have a group chat on their webpage - https://headspace.org.au/

Please remember that if at any point you become an immediate danger to yourself, or you are in immediate danger due to someone else, this is an emergency and you need to contact 000 (triple zero).

It might also be useful to you to read through the advice on a similar thread in the forums, "Moving out" -
https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/...

Thanks again for reaching out as we know that it can be really hard to do this. We hope that you find some comfort here in the words of wisdom and kindness that our community can offer. Seeking help for mental health is smart and strong, it doesn't make you abnormal. Please know that this is a safe space to talk about mental health concerns.

[Croix]

Dear SamonFish~
Welcome here. I’m glad Sophie_M was able to greet you and give you some pretty good advice, Kids Help Line in particular.

I’ve only managed to find one of your other threads- when you burnt your hand. Hopefully you are not worrying about that now.

OK having read your post I’d have to say I’m not surprised in your having depression and dark thoughts. It strikes me as a very human and very natural reaction to your home life. I’d certainly have them too.

Your mother is the one with the serious problem. Instead of acting like a loving supportive parent, pleased in the things you can do well, she is the opposite, ignoring your achievements and harping on other things, in short putting you down. Add to that the horrible threat of abandoning you and I’m afraid she is no mother anyone would want.

OK so her partner and she had a bad relationship, that is something she has to work out - with medical help if necessary

It all boils down to one word - abuse, yes parents can abuse children with hurtful and disparaging words and threats. Sadly that’s what is happening here.

Any right-minded parent would know of the limitations the coronavirus has placed on things, and also would be proud of the extra effort that raised your scores to 85% & 88%. I’d imagine that took some effort.

I suspect you will end up at uni, if you can manage what you have in this home environment imagine how much better in a peaceful setting.

I think a visit to a GP might not hurt, see what those help lines above say, however I’d imagine you were quite normal and that your relatives, no matter how prejudiced should regard your situation with sympathy.

Is there anyone in particular you might not mind approaching?

Croix