My weight is pulling me back into a bad state of mind.

[Guest9870]

I was diagnosed with major depression at 14 as a result of traumatic childhood. Diagnosed with anxiety at 16. And adjustment disorder at 17. I had a serious suicide attempt this time last year. I have come a bit far mentally since then but there is one thing pulling me down. My weight and self image. I have moved into my own place recently as I turned 18 this year. I hate waking up because I’m my bedroom there is a huge mirrored wardrobe. I accidentally look at it every morning and that’s when it starts. I literally speak and say “oh my god look at you you piece of shit” and so on as I walk out my room. I don’t even think about how bad I’m being physically saying those things to myself it’s like a routine. If I sit on the couch and am wearing Pajama shorts and see my legs I have to cover them with a pillow so I don’t see them or I get angry (I would never wear proper shorts or dresses or skirts outside of my house I wouldn’t even wear anything that shows below my elbow) I could make plans with a friend to even simply go to a cafe but I can’t because I can’t find anything to wear and I can’t wear my sport leggings and a big baggy shirt to a nice cafe. So I cancel and it spirals from there everyday I tell myself tomorrow you’re eating healthy and exercising . Does it ever happen? Of course it doesn’t instead I sleep all day and cry about how much I hate myself without doing anything about it then I’ll get over it for a few days and the process repeats . But the other night was the last straw. I went to a club for the first time with my two friends I wore a skirt boots and a baggy kinda top I thought I looked acceptable. I am not one who cares so much about boys of course because I know I’m not worth anything no one would even glance at me. But when you see your friends being danced with all night with boys and being looked at by them and when you’re trying to dance with your friends a group forms with them and boys and you’re pushed out you can’t help but go buy a shot and a drink at the bar to get drunker to help get the feeling away of so much worthlessness and self hate that you want to go to the bathroom and scream and cry about how much you wish you were dead. But we went home I didn’t speak as they were talking about the boys who wanted them. And since then (2 days ago) I am back to my very depressed suicidal self from last year how can I lose weight I can’t live in this body anymore but I can’t change please tell me what to do please

[Guest9870]

Thankyou all so much for your beautiful encouraging words I don’t know how to reply to everyone in a group but I just want to Thankyou all for taking the time to reply to me it makes me cry and have hope and feel a comfort I never had before

I’m currently still in not a good place I wake up at 5pm everyday and sleep at 7 am not good I know

I spent Christmas alone even though I was invited out by all my family I just don’t know what steps to take I feel everything is like just so worthless and I’m taking each day for granted and if I know it’s bad to do this why am I?

I wish I could promise you all I will take your words and put them into actions but I can’t because I’m unreliable and lazy I wish I had someone here with me to help me I crave affection and support so much but I’m here alone every single day

one think I have a bit of hope for is that I got accepted to do a diploma in something I’m really interested in next year so I start in February but there’s still a month between now and then and that’ll just be another month of my life wasted

from today I am going to try do the small goals everyone has suggested I’m also going to make up a resume to try apply for a job I think I’m going to apply for night fill jobs at supermarkets as my anxiety and self esteem would never let me do any other sort of very social hands on work like cashier etc

[Alexisme94]

Reading this I know exactly how you feel covering up and being uncomfortable in everything. Due to illness/medication I gained alot of weight since high school and I had mirrored doors on my wardrobe which was like a giant slap in the face in the morning! I got rid of the big mirrors and got a smaller one that is no where near my bed!! I find that really helped because I would feel so vulnerable when I first got up/was falling asleep. Honestly, a small thing but it really helped me. Perhaps it could help you to replace or cover those big mirrors? I refused to look in the mirror until I was "made up" for the day.

I hope you achieve your goals for this year! ❤️
I have the same messed up sleep schedule. I know how hard it is. Wishing you the best!

[NotYetEffulgent]

Brittney,

Seems like you’re really going through a rough time. As Monkey Magic says it’s a matter of perspective, and it sounds like your being too negative with yourself. If you’re not already seeing one, a psychologist might be able to help you challenge and change your thoughts.

At my worst, depression had me where I couldn’t even remember how to cook a piece of toast. I found I had to just write one or two things on a post-it note as a to-do list for the day. Your small steps might look like micro steps at first, but I’m sure you can make real progress this way. We’ve made progress as a species by small incremental changes over a long time, why should our personal lives be any different?

The holidays can be some of the hardest times when we’re on our own. I know boxing day I cried over missing my ex for the first time in 3 months. I felt so alone even amongst family. Everything passes though, and tomorrow is always another chance, maybe you can visit your family individually as that might be less intimidating?

Congratulations on being accepted to study for the diploma you wanted, surely that’s gotta be exciting! Maybe in the mean time you can do some reading or research into the area your going to study? If this is too much, perhaps use the intermediate time to work on yourself or organise a diary, self reflection is a powerful skill to develop. Ask yourself what makes you think that the time between now and your studies is wasted? Even if your not preparing, relax, enjoy the time you have free to work on your own mind and grow as a person. Consider living in the present moment, live each thought fully, questioning everything.

I love IsaJett’s suggestions including the yoga. Meditation is a great addition, there’s a great place here in the heart of my city which offers free meditation classes and discounts on yoga. These are both great ways to gain control of your mind, meditation has given me so many amazing benefits. You might even meet some people?

Best wishes,
NotYetEffulgen

[Guest9870]

Thankyou notyeteffulgent

I’m getting a bit better everyday I guess

I’m going to go to the doctor to get help with weight loss (not with medication)

it means a lot to me that you take the time to reply to me so thoughtfully and you seem like an amazing person who has been through a lot, and still going.

I’m so sorry you’re still struggling over your ex I wish I could offer you advice like you have done so greatly with me, but all I can say is stay strong For yourself and the people who love you

everything will get better for everyone including you and I

[Guest9870]

Thankyou for taking the time to reply Alexis , I’m choosing not to cover up the mirrors because if I do that will Be ignoring how I am, and I can’t do that otherwise my health will get worse and worse, I think I deserve to have to look at myself as I’m the one who did this to me .

[quirkywords]

Britteny,

Thanks for your feedback to everyone that has posted.

You are helping people by posting and being honest about your feelings.

You have a plan and are open yo suggestions and they are both useful strategies.

Quirky

[NotYetEffulgent]

Brittney,

Glad to hear you're getting better.

I thank you greatly for your words. 2018 was indeed tough, but yes, I'm continuing on, learning more about myself everyday, and building that inner strength.

Yes I do solidly believe you're right, and that things will come good for the both of us. Best wishes to you going forward.

NotYetEffulgent

“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.”
― Neil Gaiman