I went to see a counsellor the other day. For the first time, I have been able to see my depression 'in action', as it was happening. I recognised some of the destructive, hateful thoughts for what they were. Seems kinda weird that I've finally realised the destructive nature of these thoughts and seen them for what they are after so many years. But my mind-fog is pretty heavy some days.
She told me its an awesome thing to have this new 'clarity' on my depressive thinking. Now that I'm aware of it, I feel like I've given it a face, but I've also now made it more prominent in my consciousness... It's more powerful now than ever before. Today I want to leave this place more than I have in nearly 5 years and
I' m frightened that I've reached this place again.
Old guilt and shame have come flooding back anew, and my chest is heavy with the knowledge I'm so close. They are winning and I don't want to face anyone again with these forces controlling me. I cant face anyone again. I don't want to let my counsellor down, but
I feel totally overwhelmed. Today at work I wanted to end it all.
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