My partner doesn't understand depression, how do I talk to her

[Bec_b]

My partner doesn't understand depression or anxiety, she has never experienced either. I need to talk to her but don't want to be a bother and don't know what it would achieve to talk to her. I've told her I'm depressed, about a month ago. How do I talk to my partner if she has no idea what I'm talking about?

Bec

[white knight]

Hi Bec B, welcome

There is IMO a significant percentage of people that will never be educated about mental illness. It could be that they cant conceive it, have never been inflicted with it within family or not taken interest. Is this their fault....no, as long as they are willing to learn about it when the need arises. And the need arises when their partner needs support and understanding.

Mental illness, unlike physical illness cant be seen except for the appearance and some behaviours of the sufferer. Even then its hard to conceive how that person feels and often when we explain it, the other person feels like we are seeking sympathy. Its a tough situation. We don't want sympathy. Perhaps 10 minutes a day of asking how we are and taking a serious interest would suffice.

But its also a two way street. Partners are also carers officially or not. An article I wrote some time ago you can google is "Topic: who cares for the carer- beyondblue". In short it means if we have a bad day but can attend the toilet, answer the door and make ourselves lunch then we can get out of bed when our partner arrives from a hard days work, ask them how THEIR day has been. It's a similar effort level we want our partners to make for us. I'm not judging you by the way Bec, just important for readers to get that point.

You could buy books on depression, e-readers etc. What about tagging her along to doctors visits? even therapy.

The one thing I've learned from family and friends, that just because they shy away from the topic of my struggles, in no way relates to how much they love me.

Tony WK

[geoff]

dear Bec, as Tony said, if people haven't had to personally experience depression growing up or when they have had to before, then it's so hard for you to try and explain what this illness entails.

Some people just say 'get over it' or something along those lines and don't know what we are talking about, but it's lack of education, so click on 'Resources' at the top of the page and 'order all the printed material', it's free, but BB will send it out to you.

If you leave it sitting on the coffee table then hopefully she will be read it, if she doesn't want to, then it will a slow process, but perhaps if you talk about Beyond Blue and what they do to help people, then slowly she might start to realise what you actually have. Geoff. x

[Morph]

Hello Bec,

I'm a newbie here and can't offer advice but I can offer support as I am in the same situation.  I'm quite a soft person and have always tried to please others, my wife on the other hand is quite the opposite.  She is very selfish and lacks empathy  which is a bit of a family trait on their side.

I now have depression and have tried to talk to her about it, but have basically hit a brick wall and the conversations always turns around to be about the way she feels and how she is being treated.  I'm not saying that this is not important but it is never how I feel, which is pretty awful at the moment.

My only forward is to contact a support service which I am looking into doing.  Good luck and I will keep an eye on your post to see how you are going.

Morph.

[Paul]

Hey Bec, welcome. I think it's hard for our partners to understand anything they haven't experienced themselves or can't imagine what it might be like.

There are some resources here about telling people how you've been feeling. In the menus at the top of the page, "Resources" then "Have the conversation". There's some great things in there to help with what to say and how to word a conversation. If you are female and your partner is female there's a forum here for GLBTI people. I'm sure some of the folks there have had the conversation as well. Forgive me if I have labelled you or got things completely wrong.

Stay in touch Bec, let us know your thoughts on how you think a conversation with your partner might go.

Paul

[Gruffudd]

Hi Bec,

Many partners come to this forum to ask, "how do I support..." I am wondering what you might like our answer to be if we were answering the question for your partner. Those people who are close to us can help in all sorts of ways. Sometimes it is challenging and supporting us to get out there and to come back home. More often it is that listening ear, the thoughtful surprise, and being there even when we are a little unreasonable. Certainly sharing resources can help and if your partner wants to talk further or just to read about others experience she is welcome to join the forum too.

Rob.