My life story

[AloneInTheDark]

Hey guys, I've been in a really bad place lately, and I don't have anyone else to speak to, I don't want my family to know about my troubles, because there is already too much going on in my parents lives.
Where do i start? I've never spoken/written what's going on in my head before, and I just need to let it all out.
I've been the social outcast all my life, floating by on a piece of string, hoping it doesn't snap and leave me in the dark.
I don't have any friends, I have acquaintances who occasionally ask me to do stuff, but I am to afraid of going out, as I have sever anxiety issues and freak out about lots of things.
I guess my life spiraled out of control in the start of Year 10, toward the end of that year, the group of guys I hung out with at school stopped talking to me, avoiding me at all costs and just being really rude. 
I thought these were the people I could count on most to not do this.
For 3 months Oct-Dec, I spent every recess and lunch reading books alone, bottling up my feelings and hating myself, always wondering what I had done to deserve this.
I cried myself to sleep every night, as a 16 year old boy.
The school I attended finishes at Year 10, so I moved on to a new school..
New school, new start? yeah, right.
I'm a really shy person, I have the social skills equivalent to that of a polar bear, ( a.k.a non-existent )
I didn't meet new people, I struggled through school, year 12 was a shamble, with my anxiety causing me to blank out during tests and even pass out during exams, so on top of my failing life, my grades were miserable.
Of course, this made me feel even worse, no friends, no future aspirations, just a person no one cares about.
In October last year, at my cousins 21st, I met this wonderful girl, and we started talking, just a little at first, it eventually led on to us talking every night for 2 months until one of us fell asleep.
That 2 months was the best of my life. I forgot all the terrible stuff that had happened, and could only focus on the girl who made me feel alive.
I finally caught up with her, and it was a disaster, my stress levels went through the roof, and I messed up.
We didn't speak for a while, mainly because I was too afraid of what she thought.
A few nights ago, I messaged her, asking her if things could go back to the way they were before I was an idiot and my anxiety ruined our friendship.
She replied with a long drawn out message about how she was sorry about what we had, and she should never have talked to me as often as she did, and the way she did, knowing that I was a loner, and had never had a friend who was a girl. 
She basically led me on an adventure that ended in pain and suffering. One that I was all too familiar with.
I'm currently 18, most people think I have plenty of time to find someone like her, but I don't know, I've never had so much in common with anyone before, and the way she stopped talking to me literally crushed me.
I've spent the last few days ignoring her, the world and everything, I just feel like leaving. Permanantly
I don't really have anywhere else to go, except where everyone who goes through these things converges, I just want some people to talk to.

I want to go see a therapist, but i'm too afraid of my parents and siblings knowing, and trying to help me themselves, i'm too much of a burden on everyone.

[Neil_1]

Hi there AITD (aloneinthedark abbreviated 🙂  

 You’ve had a rough time of things of late and thank you for posting to Beyond Blue your story.  I know that can take quite a deal of effort and you should feel good inside for doing so … that’s a very positive step that you’ve made.  

Going through troubles is bad enough, but to be doing it all by yourself with no other support is so much harder.  It’s a good thing that you’ve done to come here and reach out.  You’ll find some really wonderful people on here, all fellow sufferers and I hope that through a few of us, we’ll be able to give you the support you need and also hopefully some useful advice as well.  

Do you have a family GP that you go too?  Would you feel comfortable in making an appointment to see them??  Because I really feel you do need to get some professional assistance, advice and to receive some coping skills for what’s happening in your life at the moment.  

If you perhaps don’t feel comfortable about seeing the ‘family GP’, on this website, you can do a search for GP’s who specialise in mental illness, so this may be a possible option for you?   

You’re 18yo – are you still at school or did you finish last year?   Do you have any hobbies/interests/or sports that you like or even play??  

I’ll finish my first post to you by saying that yes, you’re only 18 … AITD, you’re just a pup.  And wowee, you’re going to have an enormous amount of time ahead of you to meet up with new people, new mates, new girls to talk to and possibly go out with – a coffee, the movies – but before all of this to happen, you’ll just need to see someone professional and talk through things.  

I do hope that some of my post has been helpful … and please do reply back to us, as I’d like to know how you’re going?  

Kind regards  

Neil

[JessF]

I'm currently 18, most people think I have plenty of time to find someone like her, but I don't know, I've never had so much in common with anyone before, and the way she stopped talking to me literally crushed me

Hi Alone, firstly you're not because you're here! Anyway... what you're feeling makes total sense right now. When you fall in love and then it doesnt work out, this is exactly what it feels like - like there will never be anyone else. It still can feel like this when you're older as well.  Love is very powerful and, to steal a quote, 'love is the greatest insanity'.

BUT like bruises it does heal and hurt less and less. Eventually you will meet other girls and you will reach a point where you look back and be surprised that you felt this intensely and will wonder where it came from - trust me.

Of course it hurts being cut off from someone you feel deeply for, and this is something that will be on your mind a lot. This has happened to me, and I have found myself fixating on that thought. Eventually I came to accept that that person wasn't ready and it hadn't nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.

I'm sorry you're hurting right now but it will get better.

[guest75]

Hi AloneInTheDark

Firstly let me say, you are not alone, i know exactly how you feel, what you are going through.  I was bullied severely throughout my school years, particularly from year 7 - 10.  I was a bit of a loner, i did have a few friends but would spend a lot of recess and lunch in the library reading basketball magazines.  It was my safe haven away from the bullying.  It is an awful feeling

I also know about your struggles with the opposite sex.  I barely spoke to a girl (other than a few close female friends who all had boyfriends) all through school.  One time someone found out about a girl i had a crush on in my class (who was also a very shy person) and announced it in front of the whole class that i liked her.  It was the worst feeling I had ever felt.

It was when i was about 19, i met a girl on the internet who i had a connection with (but lived nearly 1000kms away from me) and we were the same as you and the girl you were talking with, we would talk almost every night about anything and everything until one of us fell asleep.  IT was amazing and went on for nearly a year.  AFter about 12 months, she told me her and her mother were going to be on holidays near me and did we want to meet up.  I was super nervous but agreed to it, thinking she wouldnt like me in person (i had terrible self confidence issues).  We eventually met up and she did like me and we ended up dating for nearly 2 years (I moved to be closer to her) and my confidence around girls after her was a lot better (not great but a lot better)  what im trying to say is things will get better in that regard, once you find that girl you have a connection with, your confidence and self esteem will improve dramatically

I think as Neil said you really do need to talk to someone, i never did when i was your age, i bottled it all up and it got worse and worse over the years and finally all came to a head last year (i am 34) and it caused me to lose my partner of 12 years, and have limited access to my kids.  So please do something now, see a GP who may be able to prescribe some anti depressants, or refer you to see a psychologist (this should be free with a mental health plan).  I wouldnt worry too much about what your parents think about it, your mental health is the most important thing here, they need to know what is going on

Hope that helps a little

Matty

[Katy100]

Hey, AITD, 

Your schooldays sound like mine at primary school.  At HS I gained some confidence and did better.  

Looking back, I wonder how much of this was due to me wearing a mask ... a fake mask of confidence ... this can be a good thing to learn to don, but, you also have to learn when to take it off. 

Some teenage girls can be very difficult ... especially for teenage boys ... they're going through hormones, growing up, facing new challenges (sex, alcohol, driving, etc) and they can be mean ... (although the same goes for teenage boys, in my experience).  

Sometimes, growing up just sucks. 

What are your interests?  What would you like to do in terms of a career?  Where would you like to live?  Is it possible for you to go to TAFE and improve your grades? 

I'm the mother of a 16 year old beautiful boy ... just a little younger than you ... I know that I would do ANYTHING to help him ... you might be surprised about how your parents react ... 

Part of growing up ... and growing older ... is disappointment, and learning, and making mistakes, (and regretting them and learning from them).  And, another part is becoming fulfilled, having fun, enjoying relationships ... 

Don't see yourself as a burden ... look at yourself, maybe, as a work in progress.  Someone with potential ... someone who has yet to find his place ... but is getting in the queue (sorry, I write poems, and sometimes crap on).  

[AloneInTheDark]

Hey guys, thanks for all the replies 🙂

Katy, I recently got news that I was accepted into a TAFE course at  a uni, which will then hopefully let me transfer into journalism which is my goal, at the time of my results day. I thought i had no chance, but I'm here now!

My GP is a really nice guy, we suffer from the same sleep disorder, so it feels like we are bonded, and he is always interested in my studies and life, however I don't feel comfortable going to him, as he might let something slip accidentally,

I was on a Mental Health service site last night, and was thinking of booking an appointment, except I'll need a Medicare card from my mum, and as I mentioned I don't want them involved just yet.

I know what you mean Matty, in primary school, I was put down a lot, and a few times I lashed out at kids, who I was much bigger than, because I was angry and young, I didn't realise the consequences, and it hurts me knowing I did that to  people

My interests are limited, I love reading, and I play cricket, but have recently told my club I won't be playing next year because I can't handle the pressure. Apart from that I'm really boring

Also, I went to high school at an all boys catholic school, so there wasn't much female interaction, on the bus to school, some tried talking with me but I just put my earphones in and listened to music, because I don't know how to converse well with others.

[geoff]

dear AITD, going to an all boys school certainly has it's problems, not that I knew about all those years ago, because it was a privilege to go to one of these private schools, but the lack of socialising with females was a problem, not for others but my twin and myself.

Now that your 18 you can go to a Medicare office and fill out your own application, where they will give you a temporary card and number until the plastic card arrives.

There is no need for your parents and family to know because the conversation between you and the psychologist or whom ever is strictly private, so no one will know anything about it.

Even when we age, there will always be thoughts, and this still happens in a marriage of what will this person will think, but that's nature, the guessing game, the hoping game, or the wanting game, they call this the intrigue of a relationship, but after 25 years together, you already know the answer, so the excitement has gone.

Your 18 and can branch out by yourself, you don't need authorisation any more from your parents now, only you can make final the decision, sure you can chew it over with other people if you want to.

Journalism sounds very interesting, because you might be posted anywhere to do a story, so good on you. Geoff.