Ex-boyfriend problems.

[Lauren_D1]

Hi everyone, I'm having ex-boyfriend troubles. Thank you for taking the time to read my story, any advice is helpful.

My ex-boyfriend and I were together for nearly two years, living together and building a house together. We had issues, but both agreed that it was probably because neither of us had any space due to our tiny apartment and the fact we work together - familiarity breeds contempt. That is why we began building, so that we could be fully independent and still have some space. He was seeing a therapist through work due to his inability to control his temper (never violent but unable to control his emotions) and I felt it was really helping him, and we were both longing for our lease to end so that we could get a bigger place and not be in each others face so much until the house was built.

Then he broke up with me suddenly nearly two months ago and it devastated me. Since then it's been back and forth emotionally. For a week after he said we had broken up he was helping me pack the apartment (our lease had ended) and we would talk and hug and spend the night together, even though he kept saying he still wanted to break up. I hoped that a few weeks apart would help him get over the stress and we would reconcile, but he eventually said that he didn't love me, didn't want to deal with the stress of the house, and had no interest in reconciling. I was devastated but accepted his decision.

A few weeks later he had to sign some papers in my office and ended up staying for three hours, telling me how much he missed me, that he was having such a hard time, and how upset he was that he had been afraid to talk to me about how he was feeling when we were together. We talked about our problems and I know that if we had talked about it when we were together, we might have resolved things. I confessed I did want us to try again, but that I was unsure if I could trust him - he admitted he wanted me back but didn't want to rush into things. We agreed not to make any hasty decisions and to take it slow, so when he kissed me and asked to come over I said no, I did want him to, but it was too much for one day.

A few days later we talked and he told me that he hadn't meant any of the things he said, and that he only said it to make me happy and still had no interest in a relationship. I was very upset, as he had been the one to instigate the conversation about us and had seemed to happy and affectionate when we left. My mother pointed out he might have felt rejected, so a few days later I contacted him and we started to talk again. He confessed he was feeling really unsure, angry and frustrated, and then began talking about suicide. The only thing that held him back was how upset his family would be. I was very distressed by this and comforted him, saying I wanted to be there for him, even if we were not in a relationship. He admitted that I'm the only person he feels comfortable talking to, and he's stopped seeing his shrink, but that he doesn't want to hurt me, hates when I'm upset and doesn't want me to get my hopes up. He asked if we could go out on the weekend to see the progress on our house, as he can't face going there himself. I agreed.

However a few days later he said something had come up and he wouldn't be coming - he says that he's going out with friends but I asked if it was really because he couldn't deal with the house and he said maybe. I went to see him and we sat in his car and talked. He talked about suicide again and I tried to convince him that he needed to see a shrink to help him deal with everything. I said I felt like he was toying with my emotions but that I'm trying to be patient and understanding because I feel like he's just lashing out because hes hurt and confused.

He got very upset and angry, to the point where he was smashing his fist on the console, and made me get out of the car before speeding off. I tried to contact him, afraid he was going to do something awful, but he just told me to go away, stop calling, and blocked my calls. For hours I tried calling off other phones, and texting, asking that he just respond that he was OK. He didn't, and I ended up calling his mother and asking her to check on him while I got in the car to drive out there, fearing the worst. Eventually he did get into contact, he had turned his phone on silent and gone to sleep, but it was a truly horrible afternoon.

I don't know how to handle whats going on. He's told me I'm the only person he can talk to, and I ask why he's pushing me away and he doesn't know. His family has a history of mental illness, suicide and depression, and I've tried reaching out to them with my concerns but they just rebuff me. I am really worried about him and don't know what to do. He won't seek help, he suppresses how he's feeling around his friends, and keeps changing his mind about what he wants from me, and pushing me away. I so still hope for a reconciliation I'll admit, but know there was no chance while he was so upset, and he's said he thinks we're too far gone to fix things, and that he doesn't love me anymore. Nevertheless, I still want to be there for him, because I still care about him so much. I'm afraid that if I cut him off, he'll do something stupid. And there is a degree of selfishness, because I don't want to lose him either. I have shown him this website and asked him to look into it, but he wont.

Any advice would be appreciated. I'll probably show him this post because I think he does need help, and it might help to get some advice from the beyondblue community. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

[Neil_1]

Hi Lauren  

Well done on posting your message and welcome to Beyond Blue.  You say any advice is helpful, but I’m possibly going to offer you advice that you may not particularly like to hear, but here goes anyway.  

How do I explain this nicely?  I think you need to stop contact with him – he was the one who broke it off with you, and along the way he’s shown signs of not wanting to continue things.  Then when he feels low and alone, he’ll put on his “I want you back, I need you and we should try again” side.   I can see this is distressing you more and more as it goes along and it concerned me when you mentioned about his rage that he projected in the car. 

You’re not really in a relationship with him anymore as I can see it, and it’s just a little like trying to drag something along on a trolley behind you, but it keeps falling off – so you’ve gotta stop and put it back on – and it gets more and more frustrating (for you).  That’s the best analogy I can come up with;  I do love analogies.  

One thing confuses me a little though … is the building of the house together.  Is that still happening??  Also you mentioned at the start that you also worked together.  Is that still happening also?  

Do you feel it’s over completely? Do you feel with how things have gone lately – by what you’ve described in your post, do you feel that there is a future for the two of you?  

It is an awfully hard time for you, but for me, he’s got issues that he needs to resolve … and he’s made it clear that he doesn’t particularly want you around, which is terribly upsetting for you.  But in my crystal ball (which can be quite muddy on occasions) all I can see is a future where he continues on this path of yes one week, maybe another week and definitely off the next week.  

Lauren, I hope that I wasn’t harsh with my post to you … all I ever try to do for people is to say it from my heart and to give the best advice I can and in no way do I ever want to make any situation worse.  

I hope that I’ve raised something or said something that you feel even a little beneficial.   I also hope that you can get back to us with how you’re going?  

Kind regards  

 Neil

[Lauren_D1]

Hi Neil, yes we are still building a house(the conditions of the loan and our financial situations mean we both have to live there for at least a year) and yes we do still work in the same building, so see each other in passing. I am very confused about how I feel about the relationship, I love the person I knew but it's like he's someone completely different. And when he is being nice then the person I knew comes back, but then he goes away again and its very horrible.

Thank you for your advice, it is hard for me to let go but I will try. It's hard to let go, and even harder when I'm scared for him.

[Katy100]

Hi Lauren,

What a terrible situation ... 

Do you have a friend or a relative that you can talk to about things?  It's great that you're posting here, but I'd like to think of you getting a great big real life hug from someone.  

Do you think it would be a good idea for you to talk to a medical profession for advice on how to relate to your ex?  You've got the house, and you work together ...  you can't avoid each other.  

Although, I would suggest that it might be a good idea if you have a week or so without contact from him (or you) ... how does that sound?  A bit of time out while you both have a think about things.  

I very much agree with Neil ... the rage he showed in the car sounds scary.  

I think it would be in your ex's best interests to continue therapy for anger management ... it must be scary for him as well.  

I would recommend you talk to a solicitor, either together or separately, about the house and find out your rights and obligations ...