can depression be brought on by a loved one?

[guest75]

I met with my psychologist yesterday afternoon.  This is the first session I've had with her where i was able to speak properly about everything, without turning into a blubbering mess.  It was also the first session where I was able to look at my relationship with Tara objectively, without just "wanting her back" as i had for the previous 5-6 weeks.

She didnt say it in exact words, but she suggested that my depression may have been brought on by Tara and the way she had been treating me.  Over the last 6 months of our relationship, she convinced me to leave a job i loved and we had to relocate, when that job didnt work out she assured me there was enough in savings for me to resign and look for a new job.  All the savings money was in her name so i was left with no money and became a virtual hermit for 6 months as she kept making excuses to not put money into my account, and because we only had 1 car i was left with no transportation.  This had been happening (money stuff etc) for approximately 2 years before we made the move

Finding the stuff on the computer that showed me she had been cheating on me was the best thing that ever happened to me (as stupid as that sounds) as it allowed me to see her for what she really was.  Previous to that I was always of the opinion i was lucky to have her, she was better than me and i should be greatful.

She will blame me for my moods changing for our relationship breakdown, but i feel my depression and subsequent mood changes were brought on by her actions towards me, turning me into a prisoner in my own home.

The releif i have felt since knowing it was over has been undescribable, knowing its finished and being able to see everything how it really was.  My blossoming relationship with Katy is also a fantasic feeling helping feel better, but even without that, knowing that of my life is finished is pure relief.

Has that happened to anyone else, to have a person who you loved and lived with to bring the depression on with their actions?

Something i wrote last night, directed at Tara

You thought you won?

You left me a broken man

You left me with no money

You left me with no job

You left me with no car

You left me with no home

You left me alone

Did you win? NO

I have rebuilt myself, and I am now a better man

I have a job

I have money

I have a car

And I am now seeing a new lady, who, throughout our whole relationship, i always wondered "what if"

Now i can discover what if with her

So thank you for breaking me and causing me to rebuild myself, because i am now a better man than i was

[Neil_1]

Hi Matty

Mate, I can't answer your question ... no personal experience in that ... but it's an interesting question/topic you've raised.

I will say this again that I couldn't be happier for you, to see how you are now, the way you post, the upbeatedness of your nature.  It is brilliant.  I'm just so incredibly pleased for you.

Cheers

Neil

ps:  you should send that note to, say Robbie Williams and he could make it into a song!   Oh hang on, he's already produced one that says:  "Lord I'm doing, all I can, to be a Better Man". 

Scrap that, send it to Jay Z and he'll put it into a rap beat ... sell it to him, you could make squillions.   Then in years to come when they play that song on the wireless and you're in your rocking chair on the front porch, you can grab one of your grandchildren and say ( and this next bit needs to be said in your best impersonation of an old gentleman)

, "Sonny, you know this little ditty that they're here playing now on that musical box over there ... well, that song was written here by your dear old pa ... yes, that's right you little scamp, it was written by this old fuddy duddy  ... I know its awfully hard to understand, cause he talks the words too fast and I'm half deaf anyway, but yep, that's my song".

[JessF]

Short answer: yes. It would be way too simple to say that loved ones are the only reason we can end up depressed, but you only need to have a look at what's been happening for Jo or Mares to see that how the people closest to us behave has a huge effect on how we're feeling. BUT, and this comes back to something I said to Jo yesterday, so much of this can stem from how much power you give to other people to control how you feel about yourself.  A common thing that seems to come through (and I've been here myself) is when we start by thinking, as you did with Tara, that we think we're lucky to have anyone like us because we devalue ourselves so much, and what happens then? We put up with a whole lot of crap and over time we become so covered in it we can't smell it anymore - it becomes normal.

I think you've made some very important realisations about your own worth as a person through all this Matty, and I hope you can hold onto this going forward and not put Katy on a pedestal. Much as I hate to sound like a doom merchant, how would you feel if Katy phoned you tomorrow and said she'd made a terrible mistake and wanted to break things off?  Are you still judging your own value by someone else being interested in you?

Not trying to burst your bubble, just some thoughts to set you up well for future storms - of any kind.

[guest75]

Neil - LOL, i can picture myself as an old man on a rocking chair saying that 😉

Jess

Thanks for the comments, i think i did give Tara way too much power, this was always going to happen it was just a matter of when

If Katy rang me and called things off i would be sad, but would get over it and move on, i am not going to be come so dependent on someone that i end up like i was with Tara ever again....But i hope she doesnt coz shes a sweetie and i love spending time with her 🙂

[guest75]

Hi Jess

I thought i replied to this last night but it hasnt shown up so maybe i didnt? Im not sure i was pretty tired LOL

If Katy called me up tomorrow to break things off...I would be sad obviously, but i would be fine.  I am never going to allow myself to get into the situation i was in with Tara. As i said she basically turned me into a hermit towards the end.  Katy is a completely different person to Tara though.  Katy is a real sweetheart, always was

On another good note i had the kids last night for the first time since new year (she was working i think, but i dont care i missed them sooo much)...They are coming over again on the weekend 🙂 That makes me happy

[Jo3]

Matty,

Things are great for you at the moment.  I am so glad you got to see your kids last night.  They must have been excited to see you and you seeing them must have made you so happy also.

I wish you well, health and happiness

Jo

[geoff]

dear Matty, the question you ask ' who you loved and lived with to bring the depression on with their actions', is as true as you say, without any doubt what's so ever.

My marriage I have said that I don't blame her for my depression, however some of the things that she did certainly didn't try and improve my state of mind, so yes I suppose that she didn't help me with my illness, so the answer is even though they weren't responsible for this debilitating illness, they can well and truly keep you in it, for several reasons, that they make no apparent effort to help you or they go a stray, which then makes being trustworthy an a major issue.

So you roll all these up into a ball and then our depression becomes even worse. Geoff.