My husband's depression and anxiety is affecting me

[Bonnie B]

My husband's depression and anxiety is really affecting me badly.  I can tell by his body language that he is spiralling into a depression again however he denies it.  It really upsets me because no matter what I do or say, nothing makes a difference.  I feel really upset and anxious about it today, normally I can cope with it by getting on with my life and being as kind as I can to him.  But today I want to scream at him.  I won't though because I know that nothing will make any difference. I just have to survive some how and wait for days, weeks, months for his depression to lift.  I just feel like sitting down now and having a big cry, I feel so helpless. 

[Guest_20491911]

I totally hear you my hubby is older 65 can no longer work but he does nothing he won’t eve shower regularly it’s now once a week if I’m lucky I’m also struggling to cope I say something to him he just yells and screams says his life if don’t like it get out but his so unwell I feel responsible to stay. Sorry I’m just so down but your not only one in this situation 

[therising]

Hi Bonnie B

Developing into being more of a sensitive person over time has both its pros and cons. While you can develop the ability to feel for others, next level involves being able to sense how they feel. You can sense through their tone of voice, the way they carry themself, the words they use and so much more. Before you know it, you can sense how depressed they feel (to various degrees) or how stressed they feel. You can feel their downshifts and/or their shift into stress and anxiety. While developing into becoming more empathetic, sometimes it pays to ask the question 'How do I manage being an empath?'. A Google search may reveal not only some tips for managing but also some of the challenges you may face. Not all may be relatable but technically we only need to find what we can relate to and the strategies that make some difference to us. A little bit of what's relatable can be a good start.

When it comes to waiting, it was some time ago that I was led to a mind altering revelation by Tony (White Knight), a regular on the forums here. I never really thought about how waiting can feel depressing at times. Doing something constructive while we're waiting is a whole different matter. 'How can I develop myself while I'm waiting', 'What can I do that's productive while I'm waiting?', 'What can I learn while I'm waiting?' can be just a few questions well worth considering the answers to. Possible answers: 'I'll develop the nature lover in me or the adventurer in me while I'm waiting. I'll invest in a mind altering level of self understanding, when it comes to being a bit of an empath, while I'm waiting. I'll learn how to manage and master my nervous system, as someone who can feel other people's stress, while I'm waiting'. Nothing wrong with being self serving while we're waiting. Such self service can lead us to develop into a more excited, evolved and less exhausted version of ourself with a greater ability to help others. The bonus can involve shifting focus away from the thing we're waiting for, the thing that may be leading us to become depressed. If the thing we're focusing on and waiting to dissolve is the sadness and low energy vibe within the house, that can definitely be a challenging thing to be focusing on and feeling.❤️

[Bonnie B]

Thanks, there are so many of us in this situation and we all are trying our best in our own ways.  It's exhausting though.  

[Bonnie B]

Thankyou- The rising.  "Nothing wrong with being self serving while we're waiting"- this statement struck me!  In thinking about this you have helped me to change my focus to what I can change, for myself, rather than focussing on what I can't change.  The undercurrent of "waiting" is always there, who knows how long this spiral into depression and anxiety will be, days, weeks, months?   Even with regular medication its cyclical.  We wait for the current episode to subside, or we wait for the next episode to appear.  We wait for the breaks in-between and treasure them and enjoy them as best we can.❤️

[therising]

Hi Bonnie B

The cycles can be tough when it comes to figuring out what they're all about. I've lost track of the amount of times I've asked myself 'Is this cycle I'm experiencing a mental thing, a physical thing or is about some kind of soulful or soul destroying thing or is it a combo of 2 or more of those factors?'. It can feel impossible to know until some revelation hits. The triggers for entering into the cycle can be just as mysterious as the triggers that bring us out at times. We're definitely mysterious creatures, that's for sure.

As a 55yo gal, it took me actual decades to finally work out that the goal is to cycle upwards. I know, easier said than done in some cases. The question becomes 'How am being challenged to raise myself through each cycle or how do I need others to raise me?'. Three examples that come to mind, based on past experience

1. From what started out as a physical or chemically based depression some years ago, I raised myself to see my GP (due to a physically debilitating lack of energy that was making life difficult and seriously depressing). He told me 'The lack of energy is all a part of looking after aging parents, raising a family and... (blah blah blah)'. While that brought me down, having no answer and feeling rather belittled, I raised myself beyond settling for his 'diagnosis' while deciding to investigate sleep apnea (based on a poster I saw in the GP waiting room). I went to a sleep clinic and, lo and behold, discovered I had a depressing degree of sleep apnea
2.  What started out as a cycle of anxiety and depression that was mentally based, I was forced to raise myself to better structure my life, manage my time and learn to say 'No' to people. I had become so exhausted and overwhelmed. I'd been putting my nervous system through the wringer and had finally reached a tipping point that forced me to manage differently
3. What started out as soul destroying has forced me to raise myself in a variety of soulful ways. With my mum having been someone I'd regard as my best friend, we grew incredibly close in the years I cared for her in the lead up to her passing last May. While I manage to live in new ways without her here, the cycles of grief are lessening and shortening each time I go through them. I am raising myself to make progress

No matter what causes or triggers the cycles we go through, something will lead us to cycle in and out. Whether it involves chemistry, thoughts, stressful or depressing beliefs, inner dialogue, other people, circumstances or something else, there is just so much to feel and make sense of. 

[tronic]

Hi Bonnie,

it must be really hard for you . I’ve been suffering depression for the last 18 months and I’ve also supported my partner when she was depressed so I know both sides. 

Depression is horrible because when you are in it you feel like you’re worthless and people are better off without you. 

[Bonnie B]

Once again, thank you- therising.  I like to visualise concepts, so from now on I'm going to visualise upward cycles, like a spiral.  With each cycle I gather knowledge, skills, strength, resilience and wisdom to see me through that episode/cycle of my husband's depression and the next and so on.  Instead of seeing and feeling that the cycles are dragging me down  (sometimes I feel like depression is contagious!),  I will flip this and try to see them as uplifting.  I know that a cycle never ends, and therefore there will be more cycles ahead, but if I can see them as part of my growth as a person, that will help, a lot!  In writing this I am reminded of an incident from about 35 years ago, when my husband was an in-patient in a mental health unit.  When I went to visit him, on this particular day an elderly woman was also there visiting a very elderly man, who I assumed was her husband. It struck me then, like a thunderbolt!  I was looking at my future!  And if I resisted the enormous pressure my parents and family were putting on me to take my children and leave my husband, then this was the life I would be living.  And so, we've stayed together as a family unit and been ostracised from my biological family for decades now.  Sadly, to quote my mother "You make your bed, you lie in it". 

[therising]

Hi Bonnie B

I heard it once said 'One of the greatest gifts we are given is the gift of imagination. Use it wisely'. I seriously wish at times that the imagination came with an instruction book, as it can go terribly wrong at times (especially when it comes to imagining the worst). How to imagine strategically, productively and in exciting ways definitely tests us at times. With you mentioning you like to visualise concepts, I can relate to being a visual person with a vivid imagination. My 20yo son inherited my daydreaming abilities 😅. He's far more advanced when it comes to his ability as a seer. He's actually one of my 'go to' people at times, when I can't gain or develop a vision for myself.

I think if we've developed the habit of not stretching our imagination and exercising it a lot, we can experience the side effects of that. The challenge of developing it into something that's comparable to a super buff muscular gym goer takes time, practice and dedication. Eventually we may meet with the revelation 'Oh my gosh, I had no idea I could achieve so much through my imagination. This thing is incredible!'. Little bit of constructive and strategic daydreaming or imagining each day is a practice that can add up to a long term difference.

[Bonnie B]

I have a little reminder attached to most days in my phone calendar, today's is "Think growth mindset".  Appropriate that I read your sage advice today on stretching my imagination and strategic daydreaming.  Thank you❤️❤️