My expression as such

[Sharny]

I thought I'd share some feelings sorrounding some of my experience. For a long time these experiences have been hidden, in shame because in my experience that's what this illness makes a person feel whether it's wanted or not. I've tried hard to lift those unwanted secondary feelings to the actual illness over a period of 10 years because I feel my illness has served enough. Unfortunately I'm still not there, the process of lifting those feelings which are nothing but destroying, they don't change a thing, the illness is in varying forms a part of who I am today and have been all along. So I have learned to try and fiercely rid myself of any extra burdens along my journey, I'm a work in progress. Full acceptance of having manic depression has not knocked on my door yet, I'll get there.

At my worst, the depressive side enveloped me so bad that I struggled to 'feel', everything beautiful around me seemed like a chore in attaining, I asked the question why can't I get some nourishment? Well depression at its worst (in my own experience) felt like that, a never ending struggle to get filled up. Admittedly I faked some smiles just so I didnt have to have others in my life ask what is wrong. Depression keeps a person under, it can destroy and suppress that you search so hard for enjoyment. It is a cruel illness.

In short, when i experienced my worst I thought no one would ever understand, I mean I would struggle to get through the day, wishing it would be over, the dread so extreme. It was not something I could share, so the illness gripped me until it subsided.

We are deserving of peace, we are people like any other with illness.

[Starwolf]

Hi Sharny and thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Many of us will relate to your experience. We are all a work in progress.

It is true that a cultural stigma is attached to mental/emotional illness. Sadly, it is often seen as caused by a flawed personality, not the illness it really is. Keeping self esteem and confidence intact in the face of this ignorance is difficult. Social isolation comes with the territory, making it all so much more difficult to cope with. All we can do about this is continue to speak out while seeking support from those who understand.

I agree that depression blindfolds us to the beautiful, joyful aspect of Life and saps our motivation to participate. Due to tight curves on the path, we sometimes lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn't mean it is not there any more.

Well done for working hard on unloading the overload. A wise move. Acceptance doesn't come easy but -armed with the understanding that it is a major necessary step towards recovery- you will get better at it.

Depression comes and goes in waves. Diving under a dumper is the best way to avoid a spin cycle in the cosmic washing machine. Hanging on to the thought that it is only a wave, not the ocean is our safety jacket. The wave will pass.

And yes, we deserve peace of mind. But we cannot rely on others to provide it. It is a hard earned gift to ourselves.

Your insight and great attitude are precious assets on the journey to recovery. Improvement has already happened. Small victories will continue to accumulate into significant achievements.

My best wishes are with you.

[Kazzl]

Hi Sharny - I'm following you around haha, I'm a fan! You write so beautifully. The way you express things makes feelings and experiences so clear, and you have such great insight. You have already contributed greatly to this forum, I hope you are gaining something in return.

Cheers

Kaz

xxx