MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

[LaurenH]

Hi all,

My name is Lauren- 24years age and I have been coping with anxiety/major depression for 8 years and recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm tired and confused often and my mind has become less-resiliant. Connecting to thought/feelings/body is something I keep trying to do because I'm starting to attack others psychically for energy. It has been a big year already (doctors,psychiatrists,case workers). I don't want to harm others (psychic attacking). I would like to be in control of my life/ body/ thoughts/ energy. Right now I'm struggling on a daily basis. Feels pointless. It's shameful for me to be out in public (even though no-one would notice) I come across with a very soft demeanour. My heads just above water. I need help.

[Paul]

Hi Lauren,

Welcome to BeyondBlue forums.

Living with any mental illness is challenging, You must be a really strong woman to keep holding on with anxiety/depression and now borderline I admire that.

Borderline can be so tiring and confusing, especially if it is undiagnosed. Now that you have a diagnosis it makes it much easier to start managing things and staying well and it sounds like you have a team of professionals looking after you.

Can you describe for us what it's like being out in public? You mentioned your very soft demeanour, but it's hard not to attack people psychicly. Is this the main cause you you feeling like it's difficult to cope?

Hope to hear from you soon and thanks for visiting and sharing your story.

Paul

[LaurenH]

Hi Paul,

Psychically attacking people has made getting better more difficult. I know it's not answer to getting better/ stronger in self. I plan to start the Prescence Process by Michael Brown. The exhaustion may decrease which would be a Godsend.

Thankyou for the reply.

Lauren.

[White_Rose]

Hello Lauren

Welcome back, it's nice to hear from you again. We spoke about a year ago on mindfulness. Are you still practicing that?

You wrote I'm starting to attack others psychically for energy. I wonder if you could explain that to me as I am unsure what it means.

It's useful to be able to name the illness that is making you so unhappy. Do you feel this is true for you? I understand the feeling of being ashamed and not wanting to be with others. I think this happens to us at times no matter what illness we have.

You have had a huge struggle so far. When you wrote in before I know you were finding it difficult to manage on a daily basis but when you look back you can reassure yourself that you can hang on until you have learned to manage. I am sorry you are still struggling but it shows you have great strength to keep going.

I have not heard of the Presence Process before. Are you working on this with your psychologist?

That feeling of not being in control of your body and/or mind can be very scary. You mentioned last time that you had been trialing different medications. Have any of these helped you at all? Meds can be very helpful in giving you stability in order to work on the different areas of your life. Are you still working? When we last spoke you had returned to live with your mother. Are you still there? It is good to be with someone who cares about you and can help when you feel down.

You said you have been working with a team of mental health professionals and I wonder if you now one or more regular psychologists or psychiatrists to help you. When you can focus on healing and working with people you get to know it will be a huge help. I would like to continue talking with you, so please continue to write in.

If you want to talk about anything specifically let us know.

Mary

[LaurenH]

Hi Mary,

Psych vampire, I am basically stealing other peoples energy to survive. It is a possible practice but something which isn't going to help me in long run. I'm so depressed I don't even want to feel that depression.

[White_Rose]

Lauren, when you are feeling particularly down and helpless it's good to have someone to help and support you. You are depressed and have discovered you have a mental illness. The depression is part of BPD. All of this will make you feel tired. We all feel this exhaustion when we go through a bad time. Who do you have in your life to support you? I asked if you are living with your mom because I wanted to know how much support you have. So do you live with your mom or anyone else? Who else is in your support circle?

How are you going with the Prescence Process? Are you trying this on your own or with a mental health expert to guide you? There are many self help books available but usually it is better to work with someone as it's difficult to assess ourselves. By the nature of depression we are prone to put ourselves down, and looking at ourselves objectively is also hard.

Can you bring me up to date on what you are doing these days. I wonder if you are still working or if the exhaustion prevents this. When we are depressed it's so hard to get out of bed and go to work. The irony is that we often feel so much better for getting up and dresses to go out. You said it was shameful for you to go out. Is this because you will steal the energy of others? Or is there another reason?

This is a shame because being in the fresh and walking are both so good to help lift the depression. We absorb so much goodness from the sun on our skin. Perhaps you go for a walk in a local park where you are less likely to meet people.

I see what you mean about stealing the energy of others being bad for you. You need to develop your own way to become refreshed and energized, which is why I suggested walking. Can you manage to do a bit of exercise at your home? Try walking round the garden a couple of times and making a point of noticing each plant and how it grows. This may also help you to regain some calmness of thinking and maybe you can start practicing mindfulness again.

Why not use BB as a journal to record your daily happenings. You will also have the responses of others to add to the journal.

Mary

[Just Sara]

Welcome Lauren to our wonderful community at BB;

It sounds as if you're having quite a confusing time of it. I understand about psychic energy and how it may seem like you're 'stealing' that energy. I don't know if you've met anyone else who's had this issue to deal with, but I'm one. I hinted to family about my situation, but there was little comprehension and this made me feel very isolated. So I stayed silent and handled it on my own. The worst part for me was not feeling in control and able to 'switch' it off. When it was at its worst, I was like a frightened child who thought I was evil. I wasn't Lauren, and you're not a bad person either.

You are so courageous to come out with this info. So please believe me, I understand and care a great deal about what you're going through.

Psychic attack is a 'new age' term, but considering we don't really have a 'language' for this stuff yet, it's adequate I suppose. I am willing to share my knowledge, but will need you to engage with me and ask specific questions. It would be invasive and inappropriate for me to guess the details of what you're trying to cope with; you've expressed a very complex set of symptoms and diagnosis'.

Rose inspires with heart warming support. Please take her advice and keep in contact as she obviously understands the holistic approach to mental health and being kind and forgiving towards yourself. She is a genuinely caring and loving person; take it from me, her encouragement helped to clear the negativity when it hit my world. Her beautiful words have such positive power. Reading Rose's words to you has inspired me to speak up and 'out' myself. This is difficult, as I've never spoken of it prior to this post.

I am a mature and grounded woman from 20 years of experience re this subject. I never thought in a million yrs I'd ever get a chance to pass on what I've learned. Thinking my pain and effort could be valuable to another, is inspiring for me. It seems we both have an opportunity to help each other.

I'll continue to check this thread for your decision. Know there is a scientific and biological explanation. It's not all new age mumbo jumbo. Ok?

Take care...Dizzy

[Just Sara]

So sorry Mary...I called you Rose.

Dizzy x

[White_Rose]

Dear Dizzy

I have been called many things in my life, so Rose instead of Mary actually is an improvement. I am gobsmacked by your lovely words about me. I always wonder if I have the words to help because there is no other way to communicate on the forum. Thank you very much for your affirmation. It made my day.

Mary (Rose)

[White_Rose]

Dear Lauren and Dizzy

I am so pleased you are in contact with each other. I hope you can talk about your respective difficulties and perhaps together you can find a solution. At least you know you are not alone. From re-reading my posts I see I have made a few typos. So if my words sound weird it's because my brain works faster than my fingers but forgets to go back and check. Well that's my story.

Dizzy, do you see a psychologist or psychiatrist these days? And if you do, is it helpful? Lauren, you say you have a team of psychs, is this helpful top you in managing this area of your life. I think when any of us have major difficulties in our lives such as those you describe, having a mental health professional working with you is important.

I won't write much now but I hope you will both continue to write in here.

Mary