MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

[LaurenH]

Hi all,

My name is Lauren- 24years age and I have been coping with anxiety/major depression for 8 years and recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm tired and confused often and my mind has become less-resiliant. Connecting to thought/feelings/body is something I keep trying to do because I'm starting to attack others psychically for energy. It has been a big year already (doctors,psychiatrists,case workers). I don't want to harm others (psychic attacking). I would like to be in control of my life/ body/ thoughts/ energy. Right now I'm struggling on a daily basis. Feels pointless. It's shameful for me to be out in public (even though no-one would notice) I come across with a very soft demeanour. My heads just above water. I need help.

[Just Sara]

Dearest Mary;

It's becoming quite evident you're a beautiful person. Even though we both communicate very differently, I always get value out of your words. It's also evident your wisdom comes from experience and this gives us common ground I think.

The scenario you mentioned about your husband must've been devastating for you. Hearing such hurtful and insensitive words from someone you loved would've gotten to the core of your vulnerability. When men say they'd never hit a woman, it doesn't mean they can't 'hit' with words. Emotional scars run so deep.

Anger for women is a touchy subject in most circles. I read a book; 'Women Who Run With the Wolves' by Estelle Pinkota Estes (?) not sure of spelling or her name. The book is buried in my spare room. But it's a compilation of stories from different cultures relating to women's natural wisdom and rage.

Legends are made of such women. They don't have any problems expressing their rage and disgust at the world and for this they're called hags and w(b)itches. Yet; those same women are 'secretly' admired by other women (and some men) who crave the strength to be as courageous.

Lauren; I don't know your story, but for me, stealing energy came from having my body, child's body and life stolen from me. It was a back-lash to traumatic invasion and being told everyone else was more important than me. Instinctively I reached out to the far ends of the earth to find myself, amongst all the filth and blame I took on from the mongrels who chose to dominate. What I found out, was that I was here all along; buried under decades of habitual self destructive behaviour and beliefs.

My saviour? Words...the pen is mightier than the sword! I kept a journal, wrote complaints and retained everything I could. But more importantly, I was underestimated. Not just by others, but by me. I now know those words/emails/letters/journal entries, are a pot of gold giving me power and direction. I have succeeded in one claim already, and am embarking on other avenues of appeal. I will win; not through revenge, but justice and my courage to get my head together and speak up. Stealing is useless; giving to ourselves is much more gratifying and stable. It paves the way to be able to give to others...living by example.

Stay well...Dizzy x

[White_Rose]

Wow! There is only one word for your wonderful and inspiring post. Woooowww!

Now here's something that doesn't happen often, I'm lost for words. Woooowww!

I think I have heard of Women Who Run with Wolves: Contacting the power of the wild woman, but other than that I have no idea about it. The author is Clarissa Pinkola Estés. My local library has a copy so I will read it. What would we do without public libraries? Unfortunately they don't stop me buying books, just lets me know I will like a book which makes it safe to buy (not a waste of money).

I can see justice is immensely important in your life. And you had the strength to pursue for yourself. And for others? I agree so much with your words. I feel you are rekindling my flame. giving to ourselves is much more gratifying and stable. Oh yes, giving to ourselves makes us strong enough to give to others.

Lauren please come back to us. We do worry about you and need to know how you are going.

Mary

[LaurenH]

Hi Dizzy,

Yes, I understand white light and that is what is self love/protection. I was interested in hearing what you said about focusing on others people's problems instead of your own. I seem to send my attention to others in a hostile way. I guess that is what psychic attack is. I've been told complex trauma (if dissociating is the last thing you do) then the outer critic and inner critic is at play and underlying that is something bad (that is what I believe about myself).

I believe I have lots of anger from not being able to communicate myself properly. There is hurt there because I felt I was belitted and judged with everything I did as a child.. I was frightened to speak.. Fear of someone seeing who I really was (bad). Mum had trouble being herself.

I am grateful for your post.

Thank you.

Loz

[LaurenH]

Hi Mary,

Anger definitely stems from being ridiculed and then feeling I can't express myself/feelings/ hurt. I'm fine (that's what world has seen) and I've started to believe it and hence haven't made a lot of progression. Mum was always like that with her depression/anxiety. I didn't know much about Mum because she didn't open her self up to people. That's where I learnt to hide. I was angry at Mum because she wasn't seeing me, but she couldn't see herself. Dad was absent from her battles too. He learnt to be separate from it.

It was a house absent of real love. Connection. Mum's upbringing was lost of that too. (Abusive alcoholic Father. My Granny was abused by him, didn't have much time for children. Got the food on table for kids. I admire my Granny. My aunties and Uncles are all loving people. Mum and other Aunty were only ones affected my depression/Anxiety, the abuse that happened in household.

I will write again soon. Feeling very tired and exhausted.

🙂 thank you Mary,

L.

[Just Sara]

Hi Loz; nice to read your responses!

Here's something about me.

I sometimes avoid one room in my house; the kitchen. Big issues there. Sweet and fatty food was my 'love' growing up in a volatile, loveless and unpredictable home. It was also the way I stopped the anger coming out due to punishment I received. Last, but by all means not least, I blamed myself for being raped because I was too desirable; my mum told me it had to have been something I did! My image was the only thing I could think of.

Now that I need to eat well due to health, my kitchen has become a threat. Losing love, something to stop me from being punished and safety from rape might seem stupid to some. But deep, deep down, it's an exercise in dealing with complete and utter panic; pure fear. Avoid the kitchen...yeah sure, why not? Deciding what to eat can cause my body to tremble, vibrate and become riddled with pain. On good days it's not so bad, but sometimes like today, I'm sitting at my PC with the kitchen at my back so I can't see or acknowledge it.

The detachment I spoke of is not being connected to my adult body and being driven by a little girl's mind. My decision making and problem solving with food is guided by trauma and PTSD. I've come home from the supermarket and opened the bags to find chocolatey, crunchy, creamy and salty things..."When did I buy that?" Completely self destructive. WHY??? The positive about this is my awareness and self insight. What can I say? It's a journey of small steps.

So in saying that, it's not the 'why's' so much in the beginning, it's finding the right psychological support and medication so that when the connections do come, and they will, I'll have the capacity to not only understand, but manage better. And eventually, stand in front of my mirror chanting; "You go girl! Booyar!" That's when recovery takes on a whole new meaning. I've done it with other issues; this one might be scarier, but the adult in me is stronger.

Cheers...Dizzy x

[White_Rose]

My Dear Lauren

I want to wrap my arms around you and hold you until you are better. Such a horrible childhood. The saddest part is that your mom could not help you because of the abuse she lived through. So often people repeat their upbringing.

Where are you now? Still in the transition house? I hope you are getting lots of support there. How are you relating to your psychiatrist? Does he/she know about your anger and the reason for this? I convinced myself for a long time I was OK. Every time I saw the psych he would say, "How are you today?" and I would answer "Fine". I needed to sit for a while every time before I could say what was on my mind. It seemed I needed to re-affirm my trust in him before I could open up, so of course everything was slowed down. I am guessing there is not much trust in your life at the moment.

It is frustrating not being able to explain how you feel. And it's tiring to keep trying, so you just want to give up and admit that you are useless. We know that's not the case with you Loz because you keep trying. Can you talk about your how r sessions go with your psych. I don't mean tell what is said etc, just if you feel you are making headway and getting some help. Opening up to others is hard especially after a lifetime of hiding. Just a little each day until it's all out.

Mary

[LaurenH]

Go Dizzy! It's all a work in process, you're right. I've just connected with how scared I am. Today my case worker ensured me behind stubborness is fear and anger and grief somewhere in spirrally downwards in emotion.

I hope I can make it through. I need to learn to calm myself to start allowing these feelings through. This stubborness is keeping me stuck. Im seeing an Esoteric practictioner as well ... ive been stubborn. Really stubborn. I looked at an artocle about the clthroat chakra and when it's not open.. can cause number of symptoms.. i shared this with my case worker.

I will post to Mary.

Lauren.

[LaurenH]

Mary,

My upbringing wasn't all horrible.. Ihave a really Nice relationship with my Brother (3 years older). I spent a lot of time with him when you was at home. He left in Grade 11 for uni. That may have created or supported that fear of abandonment.

Camping and travelling Australia (only 3 at time- dont remember much ; p). I danced for many years and did drama and went to two great State Schools that had great cultural programs.. I even got chance to be School Captain of my Primary School. Mum put a lot of effort into making sure we had experiences. I believe what lacked was a love for herself which made it difficult for my Brother and I difficult to have a Mother we could show love and affection back. Dad was a very emotionless person, yet very intectual (Engineer for 35years). Mum was trying so hard all the time to try to make everything stable and seem okay which I really she didn't want to repeat her own childhood for us, but my Brother (im sure) and i would have liked to have known our (precious) Mum. She adopted a lot of survival skills of my Granny, who got on with things (thinking at time they are doing their best for kids). I am proud of Mum, she was a teacher part-time and full/time most of our upbringing and provided the best she could to my Brother and I while she was was dealing with her past. I am beginning to touch on Anger with compassion I have for Mum (for being emotionally unavailable). we saw a lot of fake smiling. I feel sad if I think about it now but she did her best.

Lauren.

[White_Rose]

Thank you Lauren for being gracious to me. I really got the wrong end of the stick. Thank you also for your love and devotion to your mom. You clearly see the hurt she managed and can understand the reasons.

Being stubborn does come from anger, fear and grief.

I am happy you are making so much progress. Your posts are much lighter and that makes me happy.

Mary

[Just Sara]

Hi Lauren;

Wow! You sound so much better! Glad you're getting some support. It's nice to see you trust us a bit more with opening up about your life. (throat chakra)

I appreciate your "Go Dizzy!" comment more than you know. It's good to know you care. How does that feel by the way? To inspire? Feels good? That's the light within...lovely.

I shared some of my world with you (share the energy) to show how brave I've become thanks to this site and people like Mary. Had a break-through on the kitchen issue this morning by the way. Thank goodness for 24 hr counselling services!

Your childhood sounds challenging to say the least. It's tough when parents find it hard to allow the love in...know that one. But there was some greatness there too. School Captain!! Wow...so proud of you. Leadership, knowledge, dance, drama, courage...wow!

Take care Loz...kind thoughts...Dizzy x