MajorDepression, BPD and Psi-Vampire- I want my self back

[LaurenH]

Hi all,

My name is Lauren- 24years age and I have been coping with anxiety/major depression for 8 years and recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm tired and confused often and my mind has become less-resiliant. Connecting to thought/feelings/body is something I keep trying to do because I'm starting to attack others psychically for energy. It has been a big year already (doctors,psychiatrists,case workers). I don't want to harm others (psychic attacking). I would like to be in control of my life/ body/ thoughts/ energy. Right now I'm struggling on a daily basis. Feels pointless. It's shameful for me to be out in public (even though no-one would notice) I come across with a very soft demeanour. My heads just above water. I need help.

[Endtroducing]

Hi Lauren,

i hope you are well. It's weird because I walk through life not feeling that I relate to anybody but reading your story, your diagnosis and the childhood trauma you experienced - I experienced trauma at that age too. I might not have the right advice or words to say but please know that you are not alone and I will help in any way I can

[LaurenH]

Thankyou Mary for your kinds words. I want to get better, wont give up.

Lauren.

[LaurenH]

Hi Endtroducing,

I find relating to world confusing and fearful constantly. Abandonment issues come into it. Not knowing who I am or what im experiencing on momentsry basis.

Would be good to keep in contact and share experiences.

🙂 Lauren

[Just Sara]

Hi Lauren;

You seem a bit more connected in your writing; that's a positive. It's so nice you've replied to everyone here too. Thankyou...know your words are heard and validated, but also are assistance to others who may not have the courage to share their experiences. Keep writing in and I'll write what I can to help you understand the way our minds work. The science of my mental health is important to me (geek!) as it helps me to remember I'm a living organism that reacts to stimulus 1st and as a social animal 2nd. Eg...every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Science 101.

So understanding that principle, looking at trauma as a stimulus and the affect it's had on you, means your thoughts and feelings are just reactions to a traumatic event and normal under the circumstances. It's important you grasp this fundamental concept. You are normal! Those self destructive thoughts you've mentioned, are a way of giving the wounded little girl still inside you, a voice; crying out for help in a very frightening situation.

I uncovered a memory that helped me to identify that voice. I'd been struck down with an aggressive virus when I was 19 that kept me bed-ridden and experiencing incomprehensible headaches and delusions from a high temperature. The virus was in my brain and nervous system. For weeks I lay there in my own bed in agony and helplessness with only my Mum to care for me and the Dr visiting to administer injections. I should've been in Intensive Care!

During that time I remember saying to myself; "I'd rather die than go through this any longer" That confusion and helplessness assists me to understand each time I get 'that' feeling; like wanting to die. It tells me I'm feeling like a helpless child with no way out other than to trust people who are negligent or who've abused me in the past. So I decided to allow that feeling to come; feel it, then tell it thankyou for giving the child inside me a voice. I take deep breaths and tell myself I'm going to be fine because I'M listening and am an adult now with the ability to cope, no matter how hard it is.

This scenario is one of many trauma's throughout my life; young and old. But I have a high survival instinct because of it. I will survive situations many calm people wouldn't. You have that benefit also. You're a fighter Lauren! We Rule...Booyar!

Kind thoughts...Dizzy x

[LaurenH]

Thanyou Dizzy for your words. They are comforting and I will keep referring to thos post. Im still angry inside at myself for not choosing to go forward, chopsing to attack people psychically. I read it is terror inside the stubborness, not wanting to become vulnerable , but not wanting tobe stuck/suicidal. I guess it's working with that.

Lauren.

[Just Sara]

Hey Lauren;

Focusing on the problem and not the positives in your life can become obsessive. There are solutions. Mary asked a few posts ago; "Could you explain what you mean by psychically attacking people?" It'd be beneficial to us if you'd give some details expressing 'psychic attack' in your words. To my understanding, it means to think bad thoughts about someone and 'aiming' that thought towards them.

Is my interpretation close to yours, and if not, why?

Dizzy

[LaurenH]

Psychic attack; attack someone purposely.. To steal energy.

[Just Sara]

Good morning Lauren;

I gather by your short response you don't feel comfortable talking about this subject. I'm not afraid to discuss energy with you, and hope you don't feel suspicious of me. My intentions are genuinely respectful.

I offered help because I've had experiences similar to yours, but without the dual diagnosis. I've been psychically attacked by someone I thought was my friend; which ended that relationship for my own safety at the time; that was 20 yrs ago. I'm a lot more confident now and understand it's principle's far better. In other words I can protect myself without issue.

The word 'psychic' is derived from 'psychi' which means 'the self' or 'within'. To be psychic is to 'know yourself'. In other words, the information or energy as you call it, comes from within all of us. There is a science to it called Quantum Physics and is very complex. There are 'laws' to it that differ from the natural laws of nature. For example; The natural Law of Attraction which is based on our Electro-Magnetic Field (EMF)

In QuPhys this law can be over-ridden by the Chaos Principle. This relates to our free will as it does with everything in the Universe. (Random movement of electrons and protons surrounding the nucleus) As I said, this is a complex field. How it affects our daily lives though, means everything we do or think is governed by these 'laws'.

The best way to see these laws in action, is in the way we communicate and make decisions. When you make a decision to 'drain' someone of their energy; wilfully or subconsciously, it can be seen in the way you deal with that person and how they respond to you. You may come across needy or aggressive, in both cases you're wanting that person to be what you want them to be to make you feel better/safer or more powerful. You might crave nurturing or listening to you when you feel you're not being heard. If you don't get what you want, depending on your personality, it might cause anger or even rage. This is where the energy you speak of comes into play.

Your EMF attracts people who match your needs whether you like it or not. That includes me and you. (Law of Attraction) I'll continue on a new post as the characters left here are minimal ok?

[Just Sara]

Hello again Lauren;

To continue; our EMF is created from every thought, emotion, feeling, memory and experience we've had. It surrounds our physical selves and acts just like all electrical energy. But it's governed by our 'will' or intent. In physics terms, when I speak with my mother and she begins to berate me, her electrical energy flows out towards me and my response is to shy away from her. My energy will recede close to my body. If she is intent on making me do what she wants, she may start yelling at me. Her energy will push towards me and join with mine and I'll feel attacked openly and on a subconscious level and, physically take a step back to protect myself. (Fight or Flight) I may also try to regain my energy she's stolen and yell back at her in which case my energy will move towards her to take back what I've lost. Ergo...a battle to 'win'.

So Lauren, the opposite is also true. Love and self respect is real and tangible. I guess you could call it 'white light'. There is nothing more powerful in the Universe. I once met a Buddhist Monk. When I stepped close to him I felt an immense energy that frightened me. It was strong and 'thick' like a band of protection around him. That energy was self love and love/respect for all living things. I'd never met anyone so confident and at peace with themselves. It frightened me as it was foreign and new.

Energy stealing is common. It happens every time we focus on others instead of ourselves. The problem with this though, is that energy belongs to them. When you absorb it, you take on their issues and problems. This results in an exchange that may be detrimental. However, choosing to be around loving and caring people can be beneficial as those individuals 'give' without wanting anything in return; they build you up.

It's all about communication and intent. The best protection is self love and confidence, and staying out of other people's heads. It also means walking away from abusive people to survive. The power is within 'you'. You just have to find the courage and will to be happy in your own body.

These words reflect my energy and wisdom born from experience. It might not be pure white, but it's surely a light shade of grey and is offered free of charge.

Stay well...Dizzy x

[White_Rose]

Hello Lauren

How are you going? I am sorry I have not written to you just lately. Had one of those weeks. Dizzy has given you some terrific replies. I hope you will be able to relate to them and make us of her information. Thank you for trying to explain psychically attacking people. Like Dizzy, I presume this is difficult for you to express. So tell us what you can and don't get upset about the rest.

Are you still at the transitional centre? Are there any plans for you to leave? To me, it's important for you to be comfortable with yourself before going back to the world. I hope you are receiving lots of help and managing to sort out what's happening in your life.

I was very interested in Dizzy's explanation of psychic attacks. her words made a lot of sense to me. If your experiences are similar I wonder if you feel this way because you are angry. That probably sounds so obvious I know. I think I can see why you believed you may be a psychopath or sociopath. As I understand it these people have no self awareness and are not interested in in anyone's welfare. They are only concerned with their needs and wants. You constantly demonstrate your care for others just by trying to stop those actions you consider aggressive.

When ever we get angry with someone or ourselves it gets very ugly inside us. The feelings we experience hurt us quite badly which feeds the anger. It's almost as though we tell ourselves that if we get angry enough we can let all this pain and sadness out of our minds and bodies. I wish that were true as I feel certain I would now be the most peaceful person ever.

As Dizzy has explained in her interactions with her mom, one person being angry can make us physically flinch and want to run away. I'm not sure how this matches with your experience, but when my husband told me how useless I was it felt as though he punched me and I couldn't breath. And yes I wanted to run away and found I had little strength to do this. Is this what you call stealing someone's energy?

Dizzy explains that I was taking on his energy and all the bad things concerned with it. No wonder I felt so dreadful afterwards. I think this is where I started to learn to 'hide' myself from this anger. If this is how it is for you I can understand what you are going through. At the risk of sounding simplistic, how would you feel about learning to manage your anger? I know this means understanding where your anger comes from, and that may be painful, but can you try?

Mary