My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

[onlysez16]

Every day is different. Some days I am completely numb - I go about my day in a haze, doing what I need to, speaking when I'm spoken to, even laughing along with a joke, but mostly just floating along without knowing how I got here or what has been happening for the last 10 minutes. I automatically do what I'm meant to, and then go to sleep.

Other days life sucks. My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it, pressing against my ribs, trying to burst out. My arms and legs are restless like they are waiting for something to happen. I feel angry or sad or scared or all three at once, for no reason. I can't stand the sight of people but desperately want them to see me, be near me, but please don't touch me or I might scream or cry or break apart in to dust. I force myself to breath.

Then sometimes there are the days that don't stand out - everything is so light and easy that it isn't until the end of the day when I notice the absence of fear, pain, numbness. Those days don't come very often.

I saw a movie once where someone said that madness can often be a choice. You can choose to let yourself fall in to the abyss, or you can keep fighting it. I understand what that means now - it would be so so SO easy to just slip right down in to my mind, to cry and scream and throw things, to become hysterical and numb at the same time, to mutter and forget that the world carries on around you and you need to just keep up.

So I try to keep up. 

I've never seen a GP or counceller or psychologist. I've never been suicidal, though I do think about it sometimes. I don't want drugs and I don't think just talking about it to a stranger will make me better (yet here I am on the interwebs...)

This is just how my life is, and I don't know any different. 

But I do want to know if I am alone? I hope so, because it breaks my heart to think anyone else could feel this way.

~ Sez

[geoff]

dear Sez, most partners or spouses can not cope with someone who has depression, because it's all too much for them, which is so sad, because we need their help and understanding and unfortunately this never eventuates, so no matter how hard we try and communicate with them, they just seem to turn their back on us.

It happened with myself as it was one reason why we got a divorce after about 25 years of marriage.

If you feel as though you need a break, then you should do it, and by doing this it will either make your mind up as to what you want to do, or whether you want help by a professional, so it matters as to how you feel in regards to your partner, and whether you believe that he will support you down the track, especially when you begin to improve, or whether he has drifted away.

When I say 'improve' it may seem to be impossible for you at the moment, and that's how I felt, that it would never ever get any better for me, but here I am miles down the track and so this means that I have overcome my years of depression.

In regards to seeing your GP we always worry that they are going to think that we are stupid for feeling this way, but they won't as most of their patients suffer from depression, but they go and see them for a different reason, maybe a pretend reason, but they are trained and can tell from the look in your eyes that you are suffering from depression.

If you can go in on the pretence of another problem then all you have to say is 'doc I am not feeling too well', so then all the help will begin, because you need to talk to a professional, but also with us here, as all of us have been to hell and back. Geoff.

[onlysez16]

Wow it always amazes me when I come back and there are actually replies... Knowing someone else understands makes me so hopeful, so thank you all of you.

Homer - thank you for your kind words. I am stubborn when it comes to natural healing, whether that is to my detriment or not is yet to be seen. I have decided on a few small life changes which will hopefully level out my treacherous brain chemistry. We shall see.

Neil - It's very nice to hear from you again too. I am dealing with this on my own, as it has always been something I am ashamed of. Why can't I just get over it? I took the step last night of speaking with my best friend and confessing I was suffering with depression quite badly at the moment. She was so supportive and understanding, and I think I have an ally there now. Small steps. Although I may think about it, shutting down is just not an option. As I mentioned before, I am much too terrified of having to claw my way back to this level from the depths of hell I know I will fall in to if I do shut down. Trying to keep up with the world is the lesser of 2 evils. I have my own house, but if I was to run away and hide I could only go to my brothers or my dads - that's what I meant about claiming a room. I know that I have so many things to be grateful for - my job, my puppies, even my partner as much as it is hard with him at the moment. 

Avex88 - At the very least, I am glad that reading my post has helped you see you are not alone. I too thought I hid it well, but in the last couple of days 2 work colleagues I don't know particularly well have both asked if I am ok as I look stressed or upset. Oops guess I don't hide it as well as I thought. Maybe we shouldn't?

Geoff - thank you so much for your insights. I'm sorry to hear that your relationship ended because of depression and lack of support. I am trying to prevent that from happening with mine, but on dark days I feel like there is no hope for us. He suffers from anxiety that he will never acknowledge or talk about, which adds to our problems. I know why he is the way he is, but when I am suffering I forget that.

I have some big stressors in my life right now - we are selling a house, my mother has physical and mental health issues of her own, and my work is really busy and difficult. Once the house is done with (which should be by the end of next week) I will have one less thing on my plate. I am hopeful things will be a bit easier after that.

I feel stupid and frustrated sometimes for understanding my depression, yet not having the ability to force it in to submission. Shouldn't I be able to fix it if I understand it?

~ Sez

[onlysez16]

Finally, after many bad days, today was a good day.

My post last week was probably my worst day so far - I was having such a hard time due to a lot of things and I just wasn't coping. 

But as it is wont to do, the universe let things settle in to place finally and things just suddenly got easier. My depression eased up and I could breath again.

It's still there - the dark little creature sitting just behind my eyes, watching and waiting, taking it's time before it runs rampant again. But for now I am ok.

Thought I should post a quick one, because it's not just about bad days is it?

~ Sez

[geoff]

dear Sez, I am pleased that you have had at least a good, but this little creature is still there and that's the problem, because you want it to leave you completely, and yes we do like to hear from you even if you do have a good day, only because this reinforces some strength back to yourself.

The statement you make 'Shouldn't I be able to fix it if I understand it', is a catch 22 question, and maybe the answer is yes, but it takes a great deal to do this with help and support, however we are never sure what other arrows this depression will throw at us, as it's an unexpected illness, and one problem leads onto another problem or just adds to it.

So we have to learn on how to build a shield so that any other arrows or the ones stuck into us will just bounce off, and when you have overcome depression this will happen, and when they do you will know that you can actually fight off this disease.

It may take awhile with a lot of injuries but it will happen, because with myself these arrows put so many holes in my body you could see through to the other side.

So what you have to do is when you see one coming try and think of NOT  the damage it is going to do to you, but the benefit of blocking it off for the future and how better you will be. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Sez

Great to hear back from you and really excellent to read your latest post that things have had a nice turn for a little while.  It’s great that you’ve acknowledged this and let us know as well. 

But yes, understanding it is one thing … to fix it … well if you knew the answer to that, you’d be an instant millionaire!!

 I was so pleased to read that you did extend out to your best friend – hugely positive step for you – and yes, with things like that, it’s great you’ve made the intro – and now just to feed little bits to them along the way. 

A bit like trying to lure a bird into your back yard or something like that – you don’t go out and wave the bread or seed around wildly – you’ll scare them off.  Just go out, many times and drop things there and eventually they’ll build up enough trust (care) to come to you.  Rough analogy I know, but it’s been days since I’ve compiled one, so there you have it.  Sorry about that.

Did we ever discuss what kinds of puppies you have?

Kind regards

Neil

[onlysez16]

Well here I am again, checking in. It's been too long.

The past few months have been slowly getting better and better - I have been seeing a naturopath, nourishing my body with amazing food, lost 10kg, said some goodbyes, made some new connections, and reconnected some old ones. It's been overall pretty positive.

There's still some bad days, especially if I'm run down or tired or haven't been eating properly. These days are very quiet, and I now avoid triggers on those days (which, to be honest, is a lot of things) and spend time just breathing, centering, and reminding myself of the good things in my life.

I hope my posts have helped someone, even just to show them they are not alone. Lets be honest - I'm pretty crap at keeping in touch. But I'll try to remember to stop in now and then.

~ Sez

[Neil_1]

Hi there Sez;

Hey there, you're back again - that is AWESOME to hear from you again.

And thank you for posting back and wowee, you've really made some amazing steps over the 'winter' months.  And that is even harder to do, I believe, simply because it is winter and everything seems so much harder.

I hope you are really proud of your achievements - but also you have the excellent knowledge of your triggers and that yes, there will be bad days thrown up at you.

I wouldn't say pretty crap at keeping in touch - you've just been occupied doing other stuff - other stuff like taking major care of yourself.  That trumps anything else in my book.  But it is great to hear back from you.  And you know, with how you're travelling at the moment, if you can find some spare time, it'd be brilliant to see you pop on here to give some of your advice and experience to others.  I reckon you could really help others out.

Just a thought.

Kind regards

Neil