The hurricane

[gremz]

i think everyone who has experienced returning chronic depression must know this feeling.
When you know the darkness is coming but there's nothing you can do to stop it.
the storm comes and your holding on trying not to be sucked up into the turbulent destructive hurricane that will eventually spit you out in the middle of no where with nothing, once again.

i dont know why its coming and i dont know what to do. there is no point in working because i am (physically) sick more days than well. I try to catch up with friends and family but i struggle to enjoy their company and the paranoia sets in. not to mention the constant fatigue and irritation.

I thought i was doing ok -much better than last time- but every time someone asks me how i am, i struggle to act as fine as i say i am.

is there any way out, to stop the storm, or is this just something I continuously must fight each year until i get strong enough to stop letting it affect my health?

Antidepressants only keeps me out of hospital.

[Zoe__lt_3]

Hi Gremz,

Sounds like you’re in a tough fight. I’ve had severe depression for many years and I understand your pain, confusion and tired frustration. My meds seem to help a little in calming my inner demons, but I also found doing a hobby was helpful too. I actually have lots of hobbies – possibly all due to my attempts at coping.

Art and music are my favourites, and maybe something that fills your concentration and calms your mind will help you. Hobbies are a great way of doing something that you can concentrate on and even enjoy. It doesn’t always work if I’m too far down, but I surprise myself with the positive effects my hobbies often have.  

Good Luck and keep us posted on your progress.

Zoe x

[Roachy]

Hey Gremz,

Thanks for sharing where you are right now. 

There are a lot of ways that could possibly contribute to helping you weather the storm, but it comes down to personal preference and what you think might keep you occupied enough to think positively.

For me, I love running. It's a solace for me. I forget everything else. 

Footy training is another. You can't really get caught up because you don't have the time to. You're in the moment which is great for someone like me. When I finish, it's a challenge to remain positive but I do feel a lot better for being around mates.

As difficult as it can be, try and focus on something that makes you happy.

[gremz]

Hi Zoe and Roachy

thanks for the help.

i'm not even doing that badly at the moment.. i just feel myself slipping. i've been here so many times before i know all the signs but it doesnt seem like theres anything i can do to prevent getting completely immersed. 

ive tried upping my medication but it just made me sick.

I have been trying to link in with a mental health worker so i guess all i can do is take you advice and ask them to help me find a hobby that is affordable, i think sports sound the best since i believe a healthy body is a good road to a healthy mind. although social anxiety and a vivid memory of being bullied during gym classes doesn't help my motivation.

im just so sick of being called lazy or weak or not trying by people that dont understand.
its a struggle just to get out of bed... but all they see is that i havent done the dishes.

[AGrace]

Hi gremz,

I'm glad Zoe and Roachy have given you some advice that you've found useful.

I like your explanation of depression as a Hurricane, it literally comes by and causes devastation to everything in it's path.

By the sounds of it you have at least seen a GP, as you mentioned that you do take ADs. Are you also seeing a therapist? Or have you done so in the past? I agree that medication helps to a certain extent, but I also find I have to add to this coping strategies like distress tolerance, distraction, mindfulness, and as the others mentioned keeping busy with exercise or hobbies when you can.

In short.

Distress Tolerance - Learning to self soothe by listening to music, doing something calming like reading, writing, having a cup of tea, a muscle relaxing bath/shower, using some positive affirmations "This too shall pass" or "I can get through this".

Distraction - Doing something to distract from your thoughts, feelings, urges. Opposite Actions are a good example of this. I feel like staying in bed, instead I will get up and make my bed, I feel like crying, instead I'm going to watch a funny movie, I feel frustrated, I'm going to go for a walk or run etc. Sometimes you only need to distract for 5 minutes before the feeling, thought, or urge pass.

Mindfulness - A very common coping method which enables us to be aware of the present moment rather than ruminating or worrying. I'll leave it to you to google this, there are apps, youtube clips, and cds available that will guide you through mindfulness practice.

I often find that people pick some of these strategies up when things get bad, but as soon as they feel well enough they stop doing them. It's been my experience that you have to practice these skills daily.

You probably already know that sleep and diet also play a factor.

In regards to work, I'm currently not working, but I do think eventually work gives you a routine, and also keeps your mind occupied. Perhaps you want to try some volunteering to begin with, where hours and days are not so rigid. Then think about some light, part time work.

I also wanted to ask whether anyone has done a relapse prevention/ crisis management plan with you? My partner and I leave mine in a prominent place, and I refer to it to remind me of the things I need to do to stay well just about every day.

I don't know whether it ever vanishes, I've suffered on and off for 20 years and also have BPD, but I do think it can become more manageable.

AGrace

[gremz]

ive seen a lot of therapists in the past. i had a stable counselor for 3 years but she went on maternity leave in January and i have been struggling to find someone new to connect with since.

i think you have a really good point about feeling well so stopping looking after yourself as much. i was diagnosed with bpd 2 years ago but this year i had been doing so well i started questioning if there was even anything wrong with me. i felt fine and so thought i was cured for good or that it was the wrong diagnosis. i suppose next time that will be something to look out for!

i am currently studying and have no car so theres not much work opportunities for me for now. once i get my license i can begin a career in welfare work but i just dont feel ready for that.  

i have been doing that distress tolerance thing. but its the only technique ive been using, just staying safe at home with relaxing music. so ultimately not helping myself at all. i have social anxiety as well, so when i get depressed its pretty easy to fall into the trap of never leaving the house. i have been going out once a day tho, even if its to just get coffee down the street and bring it back home.

i have never done a crisis management plan.. i think i will definately bring this up when i am linked in with a new worker. 

thanks Agrace, its so good to be able to talk to someone

[geoff]

dear Gremz, I'm pleased that you have a few replies, so this makes you feel much more wanted and comfortable.

I can relate to what you are saying, because I am prone for having a relapse, and maybe that's because I live alone and don't have anyone in my life.

I know when any relapse is going to happen, as it starts off with being sad, which doesn't help anybody's depression and it builds up and up until I can't stop it, but I now know that it's only going to last for a few days, which is what it does, and then I'm over it.

It doesn't matter if it lasts for 2 days or even 2 weeks, because this makes no difference, because when you know you will become better, then that's the strong point, so I just let it ride out.

I am on the max. dosage so my doctor wouldn't even think that by increasing it would make any difference.

Why are we susceptible for having them, well we maybe able to control our depression to a satisfactory level, but I'm not sure that we can ever get rid of it. Geoff.

[gremz]

hi Geoff

thanks for your reply.
You have a great point at always knowing it will end. Although mine usually lasts months, so its easy to forget...

I have decided the next time I am happy to write about it, to remind myself what it feels like and how great life can be when i get down.

I guess at least we appreciate the sun a lot more than others who do not experience a storm. maybe it balances it all out.

[gremz]

The hurricane ventures closer and now I'm stuck in the fog.

Three months ago I did the K10 with my psych and scored moderate for everything (which is the best I've ever done)

Now my depression is in the high range again and I havent had any support for 2 months.. Its so exhausting. I have arranged all my own referrals and everything but the mental health system is just so full I keep having to wait a bit more..

Ive found relief in helping others -friends- , although its short lived and drains my energy even more. Its getting harder and harder for my boyfriend to stay supportive of me when I barely get out of bed some days. its hard for him not to see me as lazy and resent me when he comes home from 12 hour shifts - crazy to think only a few months ago I was studying, working and keeping a social life!

I dont think I'm posting this for any other reason than to track my progress and cling to reality - to avoid getting swept away by the whirlwind of destruction. Maybe to get it off my chest, because there is NO ONE to talk to. Maybe because I dont know what else to do. Its so foggy I can't see. Practicing positivity helps..

Going on a healing retreat in November, can't wait. 

What else can I do? I cant even study anymore, I cant concentrate. I can barely sit through class without crying. 

[AGrace]

Hi gremz,

I'm surprised you have to wait for a Psychologist appointment. In the interim have you tried your local community mental health service? Most offer free services for counselling and group therapy. When you say you have done all your own referrals, have you actually been to your GP? 

I'm sure if you asked him, your boyfriend would know that you're unwell. It's not that you are being lazy. If you had a physical problem, you would need to take time off as well. 

It sounds like you have difficulty getting motivated, have you had a look at any of the posts in the threads Finding Motivation or Finding joy when times are dark? 

It might be worthwhile to put your studies on hold for now? Are you able to speak with a student counsellor? 

I hope to hear back from you, feel free to get everything off your chest here. 

AGrace